Pray in the Holy Spirit

"But you, beloved, must remember the predictions of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ; for they said to you, ‘In the last time there will be scoffers, indulging their own ungodly lusts.’ It is these worldly people, devoid of the Spirit, who are causing divisions. But you, beloved, build yourselves up on your most holy faith; pray in the Holy Spirit; keep yourselves in the love of God; look forward to the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life. And have mercy on some who are wavering; save others by snatching them out of the fire; and have mercy on still others with fear, hating even the tunic defiled by their bodies.

Now to him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand without blemish in the presence of his glory with rejoicing, to the only God our Saviour, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority, before all time and now and for ever. Amen." 

Jude 1:17-25

Our calling as humankind is to be in community with other humankind.  Which is not always kind.  We not only are called to be in the midst of others but to intentionally create community together.  Whether it be a work environment, a neighborhood, a sports team connection, a school connection, a hobby or volunteer connection and hopefully a church connection.  It is only when we live in community together having to love one another as Jesus loved us that we begin to understand fully who we are and who we are not.

Plain and simple we are sinners, we are not perfect and we certainly are not God.  We stumble around in the dark knocking into things and people, breaking things and hearts, bruising ourselves and others.  Every single moment we breathe we are making a choice to live and we either use that breath to bless or to curse.  Every single action we commit has consequences, good action has good consequence and bad action has bad consequence.  The ripple effect is beyond our own limited imagination.

You see it on the news every day - more the stories of those who have been unloved, ignored, disrespected, ill treated, abused, oppressed, afflicted, victimized with terror.  The ramifications can be devastating.  It isn't until the shocking happens that we sit back and ponder why?  The media generally finds a finger to point - if so and so hadn't, if this group would have.  But do we ever grab a mirror and examine our own conscience?  What if I hadn't, what if I would have?

Less of what we see are the positive choices and the everyday heroes.  I spent a portion of my sabbath morning at the county's homeless shelters yesterday.  Amazing work is being done there.  Facilities for a drop in day shelter, an emergency cold weather shelter, an emergency 89 day shelter, a transitional shelter on-site and off-site.  Access to case workers and every program the county, state and federal government offer alongside all the non-profit programs.  Most of the programs are sustained by a very small staff and countless volunteers.  These people put so much time, effort and heart into their work.  Providing dignity and respect for every single person who walks in the door. 

And yet - how many people in my community even know this exists?  How many people realize that the needs continue to grow and the resources continue to dwindle and while no one wants to turn anyone away, sometimes it has to be done.  And how many people do not reach out for help because the indignity of being homeless itself is too much for them to reach out further. 

The need has increased rapidly this close to Christmas.  It does every year.  It's cold.  People see this artificial display of joy and abundance the media and advertisers display and they begin to covet the life in the commercial.  My friends, the commercial isn't real.  Real community knows this.  Real community deals with what is instead of what has been or might be.  What is your life today?  What is your reality?  Who do you turn to share your reality, your joy and your grief, your abundance and your struggle?  Who has your back?

This heightened time of year, this stress to be the "perfect" family and for everyone to "love" each other like a hallmark card is dangerous to real families and people.  People begin to lash out angry words to one another, to behave in response with careless acts that break hearts deeper or with violence that violates safety and destroys trust.  People begin to turn to alcohol, drugs, random sexual encounters, working overtime, shopping to the point of being in debt, eating too much, exercising too much, binging, purging, hoarding - you name it, I could go on and on.  We each have our own shadow of despair that we turn to when our reality crashes our dream life.

Where is Jesus in this?  Did God himself humble himself the point of taking on human flesh so that we might destroy each other?  Is this what Jesus taught us while he was physically present with us?  NO!

"But you, beloved, build yourselves up on your most holy faith; pray in the Holy Spirit; keep yourselves in the love of God; look forward to the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life. And have mercy on some who are wavering; save others by snatching them out of the fire; and have mercy on still others with fear, hating even the tunic defiled by their bodies."

It is okay to struggle, it is okay to hurt, it is okay to cry and beg for mercy.  It is okay to ask for what you need.  Pray, pray, pray.  But be careful of that slippery slope where you allow the world to dictate what you "should" feel, what you "should" do, who you "should" be.  You are created by God for a greater calling than just this earthly life.  Turn first to your Father in Heaven.  You will find the love you desire and the guidance and help you need.  I didn't say "want", I said "need".  God has set you apart for so much more than you can even fathom that your answered prayers may not even make sense to you, but they make perfect sense to the One who created, redeemed and loves you still.

Take a breath, make a choice.  Live with intention instead of reaction.  Imagine the ripple you create as you walk and talk through this world each moment.  What would your ripple look like if you could take a picture of it?  And what happens when you allow Grace to drop into your ripple?  What do you imagine God is thinking as he watches your ripple explode through this life, is it washing into people and lifting them up towards Him or are you drowning people in your thoughts, words and deeds? 

Go in peace today my friends to love and serve the Lord - start at home, with your own family, sometimes the hardest ones to love with the grace of God are those who are closest to you.  Practice forgiveness, humility, faith, hope and above all love.  Watch your ripple.

Standing With Lonely

"If you do not stand firm in faith, you shall not stand at all."  Isaiah 7:9b

Bullet died two days ago.  I am only standing today because I am standing in faith.

She died in my arms, waiting to take her last breath when all of us were home.  It was harder than I anticipated it would be.  It never ceases to amaze me the unexpected force of grief when expected death takes place. 

The house feels strange.  The weight of death has been lifted from the house, you can actually feel the differences in the air.  But now the presence of grief is here.  I keep thinking I hear her just around the corner, but she isn't there.

There are birds in the yard and they were across the street this morning when I was outside running our dog.  It is so cold out - 24 degrees this a.m. - that I was surprised by them.  I am  not sure the kind of bird, but they make this interesting chirping.  It is almost a rolling of r's as though I am attempting to speak spanish and I am practicing the r's.  It is that but different.  My husband can make the chirp.  He used to do it to imitate when Bullet would sit at the window and chirp call to the birds.  She loved her bird friends.  She would sit at the window for hours watching them and chirping to them.

I think her friends came to keep me company today.  I wonder if Bullet knew I was sad and sent them to remind me of her happy days here with us?

I am surprised by the depth of my sadness but my husband reminded me that Bullet has been with me almost half my life.  She was with us as a family before we knew we were a family.  She has been with us through 2 homes, the birth of 4 kids, the death of her sister and of too many of our family members.  She sat with me through joy and lay with me through sadness.  She saw me through so many days and nights.  My 2nd daughter said "I am lonely without my sister."  I think she said it perfectly, we are lonely without Bullet.

Give Thanks In All Circumstances

My daily office readings today: 

Psalm 26, 28; 

Isa. 5:13-17, 24-25;

1 Thess. 5:12-28;

Luke 21:29-38

What do you do with death?  What?

Two friends of mine came to me in one day struggling with grief during this heightened state of emotional blissness - we are supposed to be happy and merry and with kith and kin during the holidays - why?  Where in scriptures during Advent does it say we must pretend to be making merry and set up artificial moments of celebration?  Advent calls us to Journey, to repent, to seek God before anyone else, to celebrate in the Incarnation so that we might rejoice in the mystery of the Resurrection.  Death overcome; a grief fully lived out and acknowledged.

A woman with whom I was blessed to provide some pastoral care has died.  She is around my age, she has a young child who still needs her mother.  What do I do with this dear God?

My beloved cat is dying as I sit here and I spent the night with her in my arms praying that God take her quickly because I fear her pain is growing.  I held her, hummed songs to her so she could feel the vibrations because I am no longer certain she can see or hear.  Her body is giving out at a rapid pace.  It's too hard dear God, what do I do with this pain?  Hers and mine and my children's who have never known a life without her?  She is 17 and has been with me through everything, everything.  Her sister died 7 years ago and her death was not easy for her or us.  Now my only consolation and hope is in God and the imaging of her sister waiting to draw her into Life Eternal and the joyous scampering that will ensue.  What do I do with this dear God?

And my readings, my prayer time this morning at once uplifts and strengthens me even as it guides me.

¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray without ceasing, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ¹⁹Do not quench the Spirit."  1 Thessalonians 5:16-19

At first I cry out how God, how do I rejoice?  And yet I do - I rejoice in 17 years of memories and love.

Pray without ceasing comes easier, yes I will and yes I must.  It is only on my knees that I can see clearly.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  This is harder.  It is hard to embrace the pain and say thank you, but I do.  Christ Jesus endured much more pain for me and I will endure this pain for the blessed love that I was able and am able to have.  The point of this pain is that Love was present, Love was real, Love was Incarnate in relationship.

Do not quench the Spirit.  This is my task and I can embrace it.  My marching orders if you will, my answer to how dear God?  God provides always and everywhere.

"To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, do not refuse to hear me, for if you are silent to me, I shall be like those who go down to the Pit. Hear the voice of my supplication, as I cry to you for help, as I lift up my hands towards your most holy sanctuary."  Psalm 28:1-2

Into your hands dear God I commend their spirits, those who have died, those who are dying and those who twist and turn in restless sleep as they grieve.  Embrace them all with your peace which transcends all pain, help me to enter into my grief honestly and purely so that you might be present with me to uphold and uplift me and carry me through it all.  Amen

Ask Me

"Ask me if what I have done is my life".

William Stafford

I had ELI yesterday - Episcopal Leadership Institute.  LOVED it.  Practical, tangible, effective tools for ministry work.  Most of my classmates have multiple degrees and have learned management theories and leadership concepts.  I don't and I haven't.  I generally fly by the seat of my pants.  A wing and a prayer.

You know the movie "Finding Nemo" where Dori the fish is swimming cluelessly and keeps repeating "just keep swimming, just keep swimming."  That is me.  Except my mantra is "just keep praying, just keep praying".

I find the above quote intriguing.  "Ask me if what I have done is my life".  I understand what the author is getting at.  But couple that quote with one from C.S. Lewis "You don't have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body."

What I do is who I am and who I am expresses itself in what I do.  If this isn't true I am not living an authentic Christ centered life.  The day I woke up to Grace and surrendered my life to God I became who I am.  It hasn't always been that way for me.  I thank God for being patient with me and continually seeking me when I was lost - and on the days that I stumble and get lost again.  I pray He never stops reaching out for me. 

Just keep praying, just keep praying!

Nine More Days

Only 9 more days until the new movie based on C.S. Lewis's book "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" comes out.  YEAH!!

Busy day, praying, running around, talking, praying, writing, sorting, delivering, praying, more talking ;-)  I seem to like to pray, talk and write.  You would think I would run out of things to say - but then in that case I use other's words!

In fact I received a fabulous God gift today.  The person who gave it to me didn't know they were giving it to me until I gasped in astounded pleasure when I saw it in their hands.  How could they resist placing it in my outstretched palms...especially when they had no idea why I was so excited. 

"A Mind Awake; An Anthology of C.S. Lewis" edited by Clyde S. Kilby.  It hasn't left my side all day and I crack it open every time I can.  Hardcover no less, copyright 1968 First Edition American printing AND the real gem, as I opened it up out fell a newspaper article from June 1976 entitled "Your neighbor is a Holy Object" quoting C.S. Lewis.  Brilliant!

This is treasure hunting at it's best and I just have to share with you...

"There are no ordinary people.  You have never talked to a mere mortal.  Nations, cultures, arts, civilization - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat.  But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.  This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn.  We must play.  But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously - no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.  And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner - no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment.  Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your senses.  If he is your Christian Neighbour he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat - the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden."  - C. S. Lewis 'Weight of Glory'

Brilliant!  vere latitat - latin meaning 'truly hides'.  God glorified is hiding in you and in your neighbor.  Imagine.  Just imagine how you speak to Jesus every day.  You can either feel shivers of excitement or shivers of dread at how you have been treating the people you encounter.

I met a woman today, totally out of the blue - who was speaking to me as if she had known me my whole life and knew my deepest, most hidden fears and she gave me solutions to my own roadblocks.  Imagine!  Where did she come from?  How did she find me?  I knew our encounter was not random and she might not be who she "appeared" to be, but rather had quite a human disguise going.

Might it have been a Holy Encounter?  Might have Christ vere latitat have overcome my life and transcended into my normal?

I believe.

"Nothing is yet in its true form."  C.S. Lewis 'Till We Have Faces'

It's Not Epiphany But It Is

Paul’s Ministry in Thessalonica

"You know, brothers and sisters, that our visit to you was not without results.  We had previously suffered and been treated outrageously in Philippi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in the face of strong opposition.  For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you.  On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.  You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness.  We were not looking for praise from people, not from you or anyone else, even though as apostles of Christ we could have asserted our authority.  Instead, we were like young children among you.

Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.  Surely you remember, brothers and sisters, our toil and hardship; we worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while we preached the gospel of God to you.  You are witnesses, and so is God, of how holy, righteous and blameless we were among you who believed.  For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children,  encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory."

1 Thessalonians 2

"We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts." 1 Thessalonians 2:4b

It is not Epiphany season but I just had an epiphany.  The day I stopped being a doormat and became a servant was the day I stopped helping people trying to please people.  Instead I began to serve my neighbors to please God.  I surrendered myself to the Christ within me reaching out to the Christ within others.

"Rejoice, Rejoice!  Emmanuel shall come to thee Israel"

There is so much more here in Paul's letter to talk about, but not today.  Today I will sit with this new knowledge and Rejoice!

Mary or Martha

I am wondering this evening if I am being a Mary or a Martha?  You see I spent a little over 10 hours at church today.  Big day.  Regular worship followed by preparing for our annual advent festival and then the festival.

My feet hurt, my back hurts, I think my head might even hurt.  But instead of curling up in bed and sleeping the evening away I have edited two blogs (did I mention I am now helping out with 2 more blogs?  Don't ask how that happened...for some reason I *think* I offered) answered e-mail, written an article, read an article and now look across my desk to see my study book for tomorrow's bible study - the one I had an extra week to prep for but uhm didn't.  The story of Mary and Martha, the "be"er and the "do"er.  The long studied women, the examples set up of who to be and who not to be. 

I wonder why we do that?  Set these two women up?  Jesus very clearly appreciates both women and their unique perspective on life and the talents they have been given that they utilize to bless others.  And who is to say that tomorrow Mary might not act like Martha and Martha might be Mary?  Isn't it a season of our life they represent - even if those seasons are only days and projects apart?

I am not sure who I am tonight that I cannot sleep until I crack open my bible and explore further these two beloved women.  No matter what this study teaches me this evening what I know for sure is Jesus loved both Mary and Martha, he spent much time with both of them. 

No matter if I bring my Mary heart or Martha heart to God tonight I know He will be well pleased that I chose to spend my time with Him.

Advent Music Is Playing

It was about 5-7 years ago that I began to make the switch of celebrating Christmas to celebrating Advent.  I am not sure the process is complete but it really has changed my focus so much.  In just two days the advent season begins.  For me Advent is a lot like Lent.  A preparation.  In Advent I am preparing myself not only for the birth of the Christ Child but the Second Coming of my Savior. 

I heard a sermon a few weeks ago and the priest said "what if Jesus walked in the doors right now - are you prepared?"  As Christians we are called to be prepared at all times, in all places, keeping the lamps lit and our hearts open.  The season of Advent is this reminder.  Prepare!  Hope and Love! Await!

The scripture readings for today are powerful reminders of what we are waiting for:

"Welcome one another, therefore, just as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God. For I tell you that Christ has become a servant of the circumcised on behalf of the truth of God in order that he might confirm the promises given to the patriarchs, and in order that the Gentiles might glorify God for his mercy. As it is written,

‘Therefore I will confess you among the Gentiles, and sing praises to your name’; and again he says,

‘Rejoice, O Gentiles, with his people’; and again, ‘Praise the Lord, all you Gentiles, and let all the peoples praise him’;

and again Isaiah says, ‘The root of Jesse shall come, the one who rises to rule the Gentiles; in him the Gentiles shall hope.’

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." 

Romans 15:7-13

 
and
 

"After he had said this, he went on ahead, going up to Jerusalem.

When he had come near Bethphage and Bethany, at the place called the Mount of Olives, he sent two of the disciples, saying, ‘Go into the village ahead of you, and as you enter it you will find tied there a colt that has never been ridden. Untie it and bring it here. If anyone asks you, “Why are you untying it?” just say this: “The Lord needs it.” ’ So those who were sent departed and found it as he had told them. As they were untying the colt, its owners asked them, ‘Why are you untying the colt?’ They said, ‘The Lord needs it.’ Then they brought it to Jesus; and after throwing their cloaks on the colt, they set Jesus on it. As he rode along, people kept spreading their cloaks on the road. As he was now approaching the path down from the Mount of Olives, the whole multitude of the disciples began to praise God joyfully with a loud voice for all the deeds of power that they had seen, saying,

‘Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!  Peace in heaven, and glory in the highest heaven!’

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to him, ‘Teacher, order your disciples to stop.’ He answered, ‘I tell you, if these were silent, the stones would shout out.’" 

Luke 19:28-40

I pray God make me a disciple and keep me from being a Pharisee as I await.

Music Feeds My Soul

Interestingly enough I have to confess - I cannot carry a tune.  I can't sing, play an instrument, read music, I can barely hum without getting strange looks!  (don't tell anyone but I was in marching band playing the clarinet in my early high school career - you would never know it now!)

But music brings me closer to God then almost any other avenue.  I use music for worship, prayer and really for everything. 

Today is not what I would consider a good day.  I am thankful for the day and it started out promising but everything I touch seems to turn to dust.  From conversations, to writing, to deeds.  It is thanksgiving eve and all that I thought would get done - hasn't.  I have a sick child and now it seems I am getting sick.  Don't you love when people say "I don't have time to be sick" - well I don't!!  ;-)

So I have been saving my new Michelle McLaughlin "Christmas Plain and Simple" CD for next week - Morning Prayer and studying.  I broke it out a few minutes ago.  I wish I didn't have anywhere to be because what I really want to do is close the door to my office, light my candles and turn the volume louder, cuddle under my prayer blanket and read C.S. Lewis.

Sometimes people think Christians aren't supposed to be sad, sometimes even Christians themselves think it.  But sometimes the deepest Joy and Peace are found in the saddest of moments.  I think because I am so busy and I am getting sick that my sadness is deeper today than it normally would be.  I miss people today who have passed on to their Life Eternal.  I want to talk to some of them and they aren't here and it just stinks.

So I envelope myself in my music as I gather my strength for the rest of today.  I pray in thanksgiving for all the artists who bring my sadness into Joy and bring my prayer alive through their gifts.  Thank you!

C.S. Lewis

Yesterday we commemorated C.S. Lewis.

I am really at a loss for words.  I love C.S. Lewis.  I love his life story, his faith journey.  His words and books brought my own faith journey alive in ways I never could have imagined.  I cannot think about Creation without going back to my memories of reading The Magician's Nephew - the end of chapter 8 and into Chapter 9.

"Then two wonders happened at the same moment.  One was that the voice was suddenly joined by the other voices; more voices than you could possibly count.  They were in harmony with it, but far higher up the scale:  cold, tingling, silvery voices.  The second wonder was that the blackness overhead, all at once, was blazing with stars.  They didn't come out gently one by one, as they do on a summer evening.  One moment there had been nothing but darkness; next moment a thousand, thousand points of light leapt out - single stars, constellations, and planets, brighter and bigger than any in our world.  There were no clouds.  The new stars and the new voices began at exactly the same time.  If you had seen and heard it, as Digory did, you would have felt quite certain that it was the stars themselves which were singing, and that it was the First Voice, the deep one, which had

made them appear and made them sing." 

"Glory be!" said the Cabby.  "I'd ha' been a better man all my life if I'd known there were things like this."

Oh and there is so much more!  I can not say the Lord's Prayer without thinking of The Last Battle and imagining the Kingdom of God here on earth as C.S. Lewis portrayed in chapter 13:

"He looked round again and could hardly believe his eyes.  There was the blue sky overhead, and grassy country spreading as far as he could see in every direction, and his new friends all round him, laughing.

"It seems, then," said Tirian, smiling himself, "that the Stable seen from within and the Stable seen from without are two different places."

"Yes," said the Lord Digory.  "Its inside is bigger than its outside."

"Yes," said Queen Lucy.  "In our world too,

a Stable once had something inside that was bigger than our whole world."

Can't you just see Jesus laying in the manger, our chronos and our kairos interlocking and our worlds mingling, our earthly presence with our divine purpose.  Gives me shivers!

I could go on and on, but really you have to experience it for yourself.  Read the Chronicles of Narnia, read The Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity, The Great Divorce and anything by C.S. Lewis that you can get your hands on.  You won't be disappointed.

With total excitement I am counting down the days to opening night of "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" - just 18 more days!!!

I am thinking about having a viewing of the first two movies at my house and then heading to the theatre for the late showing.  Wouldn't that just be a perfect Friday Sabbath!?

Thanks Be To God

"Thank the Lord because he is good.  His love continues forever."  Psalm 106:1

"Worship is when you're aware that what you've been given

is far greater than what you can give. 

Worship is the awareness that were it not for his touch,

you'd still be hobbling and hurting, bitter and broken. 

Worship is the half-glazed expression on the parched face of a desert pilgrim

 as he discovers that the oasis is not a mirage.

Worship is the "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.

...

Worship is a voluntary act of gratitude offered

by the saved to the Savior,

by the healed to the Healer,

and by the delivered to the Deliverer."

(excerpt from In the Eye of the Storm by Max Lucado)

I am so thankful for worship.  I am so thankful for those God has called to serve him through the Church.  Today I am so thankful for a pew to kneel in, a choir to raise their voice to heaven, a congregation to slip into and gather with to say my confessions, to share the Peace of the Lord, to gather in remembrance that Christ died for me and that my life is my offering, my Thank You.  I am thankful for all those who came before me in the history of the Anglican Tradition who developed these liturgies of Holy Eucharist and Evensong so that I might sit and just be and open myself to the Spirit moving through this world, as it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever. 

Thank You and Amen.  Thank You and Amen.  Thank You and Amen.



Laundry Homework Lattes Amen

I have class tomorrow and tonight is the final preparation.  The "did I print that?", "did I write that?", "which book do I pack?"  I have numerous books, papers, litanies and even a liturgy this time.  I do not want to show up and be asked for a paper and only have a look of dumbfounded confusion on my face!

Laundry is the perfect respite between preparing for each class.  The monotony of folding and hanging and putting away gives you ultimate freedom to pray and release.  Give it all to God, knowing I am putting in my full effort and doing the best I can at this moment in time.

Lattes are a perfect sweet ending and pick me up!  I don't normally splurge but my hubby saw the piles on my desk and noticed I never quite looked up when he was asking me a few questions hence his running out and getting me a Gingerbread Latte - very yummy and just the thing I needed to then move forward and read over my Morning Prayer notes.  I am leading tomorrow for my class - and for critique.  Some moments I get nervous because I want to do well and then moments where I am not nervous at all knowing I just want to offer my classmates an opportunity to worship in the morning before we begin our studies.  I want their prayer time to be fruitful and get them centered on the Spirit.  Why else do we even gather?

So as I sipped my latte and folded my laundry and pondered my last paper on Richard Hooker and the via media I began to think again about the Cost of Discipleship and our possessions.  I spoke last about our tangible physical possessions and how they can rule our lives and take us away from God.  What I didn't explore were the mental possessions, the heart possessions.  I was thinking about holding on to fear and anxiety, grief and sorrow, disappointment and bitterness, blame and shame, guilt and ego.  Those are possessions too, possessions that can hold on to us and put a stumbling block on our path to discipleship.  How about fear of praying out loud and being embarrassed by our love for God? 

Had the greatest God moment this morning.  It is Friday so the hubby and I went out for breakfast.  We pray before we eat and I could feel eyes upon us and two of the tables took up fervent whispering.  I tried to block out the thoughts in my head that said "what are they saying?" and instead kept refocusing on my husband's voice and his words of thanksgiving and praise.  Letting mental picture images of his words float through my mind and into my heart.  Then we began eating and talking and all was normal.  Until I looked up and noticed a table of 8 men.  Some in suits, some in sweats, all of them earnestly talking and listening and...praising God!  It was a men's bible study/fellowship group who were talking to each other about employee/employer sticky situations and being humbled, about families and marriages, about friendships.  Weaving into it all was glory for God and human responsibility and effort and discerning God's will.

I realized I was the one who was now staring and wanting to witness all that they were sharing.  A witness in the wilderness as they spoke about the costs of discipleship.  Alleluia and Amen!

The Cost of Discipleship

"Now large crowds were travelling with him; and he turned and said to them, ‘Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, saying, “This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.” Or what king, going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? If he cannot, then, while the other is still far away, he sends a delegation and asks for the terms of peace. So therefore, none of you can become my disciple

if you do not give up all your possessions.

‘Salt is good; but if salt has lost its taste, how can its saltiness be restored?  It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure heap; they throw it away. Let anyone with ears to hear listen!’   Luke 14:25-35

I am thankful to host bible study at my house once a week.  It makes me pick up my house!  I want the prayer and study space to be comfortable - therefore it needs to be clean.  I light candles asking God to be with us and I pray in the space before the group shows up.

But something interesting happens to me each week.  Each week I begin my cleaning thinking "ugh this house needs to be painted."  "Good grief this couch is way past its date to be thrown out."  "oh no the kids ate white powdered donuts in this chair again."  "Oh good grief this table leg is wobbly."   And as I go on these thoughts can start to rack up into the chant of "I want".  "I want a new couch",  "I want new carpet", "I want new tile", "I want a new table", "I want speakers mounted in my walls". 

I want then becomes frustration because of "I can't" buy anything because "I don't" have any money.  Then I get a little pity party going Oh woe is me.  I begin to think "why do I host and invite people over when my house is so unworthy."

Then lightening strikes!  ;-)

As soon as I have that thought my soul fights back my ego and tells it to "raphah" - be still.  The ONLY thing that matters is The Word.  Reading the Word, studying the Word, sharing the Word, fellowship with people around the Word.  Then I begin praying to The Word - "Dear Jesus, forgive me my trespasses.  Forgive me for not being content with my life, which you have repeatedly saved, thank you for the air I breath, thank you for my hands and feet that can clean up, thank you for this home that shelters my family, thank you for this mess my children make - they bring me joy and love and laughter and blessings, thank you for this furniture which has served my family and my friends and your children who gather to pray and learn."

Seriously - 7 years ago this furniture was brand new and I loved it - spent time picking it out, spent money on it, got all excited about having it delivered.  Loved sitting in it and moving it around.  In just 7 years it shows much wear and tear and already I wish to replace it.

"So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions."

Nothing in my possession can be more sacred than God.  I can't stop inviting people to my home to share God's Word because of the possessions I have or the lack of possessions I think I want.  I can't spend so much time on my possessions - cleaning them, organizing them, admiring them, bemoaning them - that I take away time I should be spending with God.

I joke often that I wish I had my own little apartment so that I could have a quiet place where no one touches my stuff.  Everything is clean and in it's home.  It would be perfect.

Or would it?

Where there is no mess would I find community and love, tears and joy, grief and happiness?  Would the quiet engulf me and leave my life barren and unable to communicate God's great deeds?

What is the cost of discipleship?  What do you have to give up, where do you have to let go and let God?  Possessions are just one tiny fraction of the conversation.

The Great Dinner

"He said also to the one who had invited him, ‘When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbours, in case they may invite you in return, and you would be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you, for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.’

One of the dinner guests, on hearing this, said to him, ‘Blessed is anyone who will eat bread in the kingdom of God!’  Then Jesus said to him, ‘Someone gave a great dinner and invited many. At the time for the dinner he sent his slave to say to those who had been invited, “Come; for everything is ready now.” But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, “I have bought a piece of land, and I must go out and see it; please accept my apologies.” Another said, “I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I am going to try them out; please accept my apologies.” Another said, “I have just been married, and therefore I cannot come.” So the slave returned and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and said to his slave, “Go out at once into the streets and lanes of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind, and the lame.” And the slave said, “Sir, what you ordered has been done, and there is still room.” Then the master said to the slave, “Go out into the roads and lanes, and compel people to come in, so that my house may be filled. For I tell you, none of those who were invited will taste my dinner.” ’  Luke 14:12-24

I would not want to be the person sleeping in and missing church when this scripture is read!  How many times in a day - a single day - does this scripture play out in our own lives.  "Dear God - oh hold please, someone just called."  "Okay, God, back to praying I was saying - oh wait a minute I forgot I had an errand to run."  I wonder what would happen if you actually sat down with a pen and piece of paper and broke our 24 hour day down into the hours and documented your day.  Sleep, eat, bathe, commute, work, play, homework, family time, entertainment, chores...on and on. 

When do you pray?  When do you worship?  What are you going to do when the Great Steward of the The Great Dinner comes to you and says "All are welcome and All is prepared, please join me."  Will you need to make one more phone call, read one more e-mail on your blackberry.  Will you not be able to miss one more "emergency" meeting or fix one more "to do" list item?  Will you be ready?  Will you understand that you must drop everything to join the Eternal Word for the Feast of your life?  Do we ever understand that the minutes of our busy day, all the minutes we claim we can't spend with God or for God are speedily adding up to account for our Life?

This week is busy for me, chaotically so.  I have all my normal routine and I must prep for school this weekend and my church visit.  The best part of this "Holy Chaos" is that all of my work and all of my study is grounded in God, grounded in the Spirit.  I am so blessed.  I did my grocery shopping early this week so I don't have to be distracted by what we need for dinner every evening.  While I grocery shopped in the empty store I spent many good moments with God.  Praying in Thanksgiving for this blessed life and the ability to be able to purchase groceries and prepare a home made meal for my family each evening.  There will come a time in my life when it is just me and my husband and our kids will be too busy to come home for dinner with us - hmmm what does that remind you of in the scripture we just read?

Part of my Holy Chaos is getting ready to church visit this Sunday and I can't wait to go.  I met the Rector of this church at a conference I attended a few months ago and he had some great insights.  I can't wait to hear him preach.

My Sabbath - With Sirach

"The leader of his brothers and the pride of his people was the high priest, Simon son of Onias, who in his life repaired the house, and in his time fortified the temple.

When he put on his glorious robe and clothed himself in perfect splendour, when he went up to the holy altar, he made the court of the sanctuary glorious.  When he received the portions from the hands of the priests, as he stood by the hearth of the altar with a garland of brothers around him, he was like a young cedar on Lebanon surrounded by the trunks of palm trees.  All the sons of Aaron in their splendour held the Lord’s offering in their hands before the whole congregation of Israel. 

Finishing the service at the altars, and arranging the offering to the Most High, the Almighty, he held out his hand for the cup and poured a drink-offering of the blood of the grape; he poured it out at the foot of the altar, a pleasing odour to

the Most High, the king of all.

Then the sons of Aaron shouted; they blew their trumpets of hammered metal; they sounded a mighty fanfare as a reminder before the Most High. Then all the people together quickly fell to the ground on their faces to worship their Lord, the Almighty, God Most High.

Then the singers praised him with their voices in sweet and full-toned melody.  And the people of the Lord Most High offered their prayers before the Merciful One,

until the order of worship of the Lord was ended, and they completed his ritual.

Then Simon came down and raised his hands over the whole congregation of Israelites, to pronounce the blessing of the Lord with his lips, and to glory in his name; and they bowed down in worship a second time, to receive the blessing from the Most High.

And now bless the God of all, who everywhere works great wonders, who fosters our growth from birth, and deals with us according to his mercy. May he give us gladness of heart, and may there be peace in our days in Israel, as in the days of old. 

May he entrust to us his mercy,

and may he deliver us in our days!" 

Sirach 50:1,11-24

I have studied the Old Testament and the New Testament - I have never really read more than bits and pieces of the Apocrypha.  Sirach is a new discovery to me and it has been wondrous.  The past few weeks my readings have been a combination of Sirach and Revelation and WOW!  Sirach talks about practical ways of following Jesus example:  don't gossip, don't slander, tithe with joy not grudgingly, etc.  Then follow it up with the imagery of Revelation and what is to come...

This portion of Sirach reminds me of Anglican and Episcopal worship today.  The beauty, the intention, the prayerful peace of giving back to God what He has given us and blessing it for us.  This particular passage reminds me of the Offering and Eucharist, the Blessing and Sending.  Part of the deacon's role in liturgy is presenting the gifts of the people to God and the gifts of God to the people.  The give and take of abundant blessing.  Deacons also get to do the Sending.

"Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.  Alleluia.  Alleluia."

"Thanks be to God."  Alleluia.  Alleluia."

Hidden Homeless

I just met a man who is one paycheck away from being homeless.  He is a single father trying to raise two kids.  He got hurt on the job and was out of work - with no pay - for a few weeks.  When you live paycheck to paycheck you can't afford to miss work.  Missing work means missing a payment.  This month it meant not having enough to cover his rent and still be able to put food on the table.  His work hours are such that he can't make it over to the local food pantry. 

This work can be so frustrating and so joyful all at the same time.  I can't "fix" anything.  I can offer a hand up and a hope for particular situations but I can't make anything better for the long run.  By the grace of God I was able to help him secure funding to keep from getting an eviction notice but what happens next month as the weather gets colder and his heating bills rise. 

"Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever."  Psalm 28:6-9

There is nothing I can do.  I can only pray.  I can only drop to my knees and cry for mercy and beg for strength.  This "work" I do it pulls me and shapes me and drains me and invigorates me.  The calls keep coming, the need keeps growing.  I work with great people who spread the resources as much as they can, but it never feels enough.  There are still so many people who need shelter, food, clothing, safety, mercy and love.

I am so blessed, beyond blessed.  I spend my days caring for God's children, sharing God's word of Hope and Redemption.  Every breath I take is a gift, every moment spent with someone who walks away feeling loved and cared for is sacred.  I want so much, sometimes it makes my stomach hurt and my breath grow quick for all the work there is to do and how much I want.  I want every child to know the feeling of security and love and a full tummy, to have the opportunity to go to school and just play and be and imagine and learn and grow - without fear, without angst, without growing up too quickly.  How different would our world look if people felt heard and loved?  Isnt' that what we all want, at our core? 

Love.  To be heard.  To be seen.  How many are hidden amongst us?

Jesus saw them.  Jesus called them by name.  Jesus healed them.  Jesus saved them.  Jesus loved them.

You could re-write that to say:  Jesus saw Me.  Jesus called Me by name.  Jesus healed Me.  Jesus saved Me.  Jesus loves Me.

Thank you Jesus!

My Own Little World

My Own Little World by Matthew West

Behind every news story there is a life story.  Behind every application for assistance is a human being.  Behind every ambulance and police car flashing lights is a family drama or tragedy playing out.  Behind every played out scene in literature, on the movie screen, reality tv and real life scenes in grocery stores, libraries, walking paths is a dynamic that had years in the making - we see only a glimpse, catch only a thought.

Perspective.  You can live in a world where the only perspective you filter life through is Your Own.  Or you can live in a world where you add the perspective of the One who created all of our lives and knows all of our stories personally.  The One who waits for us on the front porch with open arms, no matter how far away we have traveled and no matter how long it took us to get home and truly no matter what shape we arrive in - the more in need we are, the more welcoming our Host.

What is your perspective?  Do you live a life of scarcity and keep your hands tightly clinging to all that you have, even though all of it is perishable?  Or do you live a life of abundance, in thanksgiving for all that you can be a part of, hands open to receive the Eternal and all the blessings just waiting to pass through your life into all the lives you can possibly touch and imagine?

Dreaming of I AM

The other morning my youngest son said to me "Mommy did you know that you can talk to God when you are asleep?" A few weeks ago at a bible study entitled "Let Your Life Speak" an adult said they can't imagine God entering their dreams.

I have met people who say they do not dream. I have met people who have visions.

One of my bible study workbooks professed that there are no longer prophets in our world. I know Christian mystics who have shared with me words that could only be prophetic and of God.

Do we live in the mists? Are we behind the veil? Do we forsake the mystical for fear of the magical? Is the Truth so real that we escape into the designed reality of this world - our own human making?

I read a blog by a RC priest who alleged that practicing Centering Prayer is akin to opening the front door to the devil. I heard a christian radio host allege that reading the Twilight series is a sin. I read a news article about a SB preacher who told his congregation that practicing Yoga was not a viable christian practice but fraught with evil teachings.

What I wonder the most is when these particular people began to believe in a god who is so small? God the Creator, Jesus the Savior and Holy Spirit the giver of Life transcend all human knowledge and understanding. Why can't God enter our dreams? Why wouldn't God use visions to reach us? Why couldn't the voices of Gandhi, Desmond Tutu, Maya Angelou, Mary Oliver, C.S. Lewis and Madeline L'Engle be prophetic? Why couldn't christian mystics still surround us and prayerfully keep a tangible hand in the World of Eternal? Why must we not practice quieting our heart, mind, souls and bodies through yoga and meditation, song, dance and Centering Prayer so that we can "be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10? When did we become so afraid that we forsake the power and grace of our Almighty? Or is it not fear? Is it arrogance in thinking we hold the answers, that our language speaks volumes and we understand all?

I am in Awe of the great I AM, of YHWH, of Yahweh, of Jehovah, Adanoia, El Shaddai, of the One who can not be imaged in human characteristic, who can not even be named, who tells me to "raphah" - be still. This life of mine only exists by the grace of this God. I am but dust molded by the infinite mercy of Love itself. I can be calm and serene in the spirituality of the All knowing, All giving, All merciful, All patient source of All Being, All Creation. I have nothing to fear as I sit in the mists of I AM. I welcome the dreams, the visions, the prophetic voices, the stillness of body, mind and soul, the darkness and the Light that shall overcome it all. God can move and be through it all.

Where is God in all this we call life? is a question uttered every day by many. I AM is within it all, is my response. Dream big today.

Poverty

"We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry,

naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty."

Mother Teresa

The front page of our local paper has an article on the growing need for help among the working poor in our county. Unfortunately I think this will be received as new information to a lot of people. Unfortunately it is not new information and the numbers are growing. Unfortunately money to help them is also running out. It is running out of the county budget and it is running out at the non-profits who are the second line of defense and some times the first.

Being poor is very new for a lot of people. How do you learn to be poor and ask for help? How do you maintain your dignity and respect while you are desperate to keep your heat on and feed your children? Who do you call? When do you call? How do you even make that first call? How do you humble your life into an open book that is poked and prodded by strangers and paper forms that declare whether you are "poor enough" to receive assistance?

I have a friend who is working poor and on the verge of being homeless. My friend has children and is working two jobs to support the family. There is no family network of help to sustain them. My friend is reliant on the kindness of strangers - or as we have spoken - open hands to receive the grace of God. My friend is very aware of the blessings in their life and that the company of angels that surrounds and protects them and leads them to the next safe haven each time crisis beckons at the door. My friend also works very hard, to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. And yet the economics of the situation are not getting better. God forbid one of the children gets sick, they have no health care and the cost of even finding out what the illness is can be detrimental. Not to mention time off of work for care giving.

My friend has gotten some assistance or helping hands - normally at Christmas when there just is no money for presents or food. There is something about the fierce protection of our children and their reality and feeling of worth that enables parents to fill out forms that have the potential to crush their spirit. There are not many programs available that do not probe all of your finances and ask you many personal questions. From the institution aspect it is understandable. There are limited resources and many people in need of those funds, good stewardship is essential.

From a human stance, from a Christ within us stance, we fall to our knees asking God to preserve and protect His children. I would gather to say there are people in your life that are struggling and scared and they do not know how to ask for help without feeling shame or judged. I wonder if the next time you see a child who is struggling- instead of wondering "What is wrong with this kid's parents, what a horrible job they are doing with this kid"; wonder "Where is this child's parent? Did they have to be at work before school even begins? Did they cry on their way to a job as they prayed that their child would be safe and cared for? Did they pray in thanksgiving that their child would be given breakfast and lunch at school as they knew there was no hope for dinner this evening because the heat bill is due and there isn't quite enough, will they be able to get overtime? Can they leave their child for yet another evening, with yet another friend, pretending it is a playdate so no one knows their circumstance?" or ponder another possibility "is the child's one parent running late to work because their spouse is terminally ill and fell trying to get from the bed to the bathroom without asking for help because they did not want to be a burden, knowing their medical bills were such that the family is falling deeper and deeper into debt and chaos as they lay dying and have no possibility of helping and feel ever more a burden even as their body betrays them and gives out."

As individuals we can not help everyone all the time. We can't know every story behind every life. We can not control the outcome of our own day, much less someone else's life, this is the burden that God alone carries. What we can do is empty ourselves to allow God into our lives so that we might live a life free of judgment and full of Love for our neighbor. We can supply the dignity and respect due to every Child of God. We can smile and we can offer a hand up. We can say You are Worthy as you are and just because you are. We can sit with the child who is struggling and ask, "how is your morning going?" We can offer a smile, an open door, a hug, a word of compassion. We can guard our thoughts to keep from saying "I would never and thank God I am not them" (remember our gospel from Luke about the Pharisee and the tax collector) and instead "thank you God that I know them and how would you like me to serve in this moment on this day, let me be your hands and feet, guide my actions in loving my neighbor".

How different would your life look?

How different would your neighbors life look?

How does it make you feel to consider looking beyond what you can see?

How would your spirit feel if you walked by faith and not by sight?

My Sabbath - My Office

Success indeed! 

I went to the Habitat for Humanity Re-Store yesterday and had such a God moment.  I must mention - I HATE shopping, I mean HATE it.  I would rather do just about anything than go shopping.  That being said I enjoy going to the Re-Store and the Thrift stores run by our non-profit homeless shelters to financially sustain our shelters.  They have quirky stuff and you can tell some loved and treasured items. 

You know how I have been praying about a desk and you know that thrift stores of any kind are hit or miss.  I walked in and there it was - my hope chest!  For a year my family has been trying to create just the right hope chest for our front porch.  Every month we put out a family newsletter that shares a tidbit about our family, a tidbit about our county homeless needs and then we do a monthly donation drive for urgent needs.  I found the "just right" chest at the Re-store.  It is perfect.  We are going to paint it.  I am hoping my oldest dd stencils hope chest on it and then I want all the kids to do their hand prints on it.  I can't wait!  All in God's time.  Who would have thought it would take a year to find what we had envisioned from the beginning.

Then, right behind the chest was my desk.  I am not sure I had anything exact in my mind but this desk has 4 filing drawers in it (which I desperately need more filing space for all my ministry and school work, I find the greatest pieces of paper where I have notes written or prayers typed up and need a file to stash everything before I lose it.)  It has a long top surface so I can have my monitor on it and spread out papers to study and still have books on it.  It is not as deep as I would have liked but hey, can't be too picky - especially considering it is the same exact wood and color of the filing cabinet I have in the office!

I thought I would just throw the desk in when I took out the smaller desk, mmm nope.  My hubby thought we needed to completely rearrange the room.  I am wiped out, moving furniture all around the house but he was completely right.  The room isn't "just right" yet, but that just gives me more opportunity to pray about what is missing.  ;-)  I am very excited to work in here.  I am sad to see my comfy chair go.  I know it needed to move out of the room but I miss it already.  It was the perfect sit in with my tea or coffee and watch the sunrise chair. 

Since we were sorting through all my "stuff" here is a prayer I found written on a random piece of paper - definitely filing this one:

"God of superabundant gifts, you return many times more than I can ever dream of.  I am blessed to share in a give-and-take where I can never match in my giving the blessings that return.  All glory and thanks to you."

Amen!

I Love Thursdays

Thursdays I wake up late. I literally roll out of bed just in enough time to throw some type of lunch into the kids backpacks, make sure something has been inhaled for breakfast and walk them to school. Thursday mornings are usually my most tired mornings, it is the only morning I don't have to be up and showered and ready to go. An example of this tired morning - one of my sons started walking to school with no shoes on and I didn't even notice ;-) Thank God he realized! I can already imagine the teacher conferences next week.

I made myself some coffee, lit my candles and have sat in my office/quiet room watching the sun rise higher and light up the day. This room is really in the best spot of the house. I am going to the Habitat For Humanity Re-Store today to see if they have any office desks on the floor. I really need to figure this room out. I am spending more and more time here, praying, prepping and planning, praying. Always praying.

I did a homily this past Sunday based on Luke 18:9-14

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

"To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector.

I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." Luke 18:9-14 (NIV)

My first question to the congregation was "Raise your hand if you pray." I got the exact response I expected - only a quarter of the people raised their hand. First - you have to remember we are Episcopalians and being physically demonstrative in any way is an interesting concept ;-) But what struck me as I read the scriptures and prepared my message is that many people don't know what prayer is. Such a common word with extraordinary meaning.

What is prayer?

What is the meaning of prayer?

Why do we pray?

Who should pray?

When do we pray?

For me - prayer is a conversation with God. Now I study prayer, so there are a ton of "formulas" and regimens and acronyms you can follow, I know this to be true. However, for me, my whole life is a prayer. I wake up, in that sleep hazed world of between here and there and my first thought response is "Thank you God for bringing me safely into this new day." "Thank you God for the very breathe I take that sustains my life." And then we go on from there, my God and I talking.

Some days all I can pray is "Thank You". Some days all I can pray is "I surrender". Some days my prayer is pleading for help, for courage, for strength. Some days it is cry of grief and pain for the suffering that abounds in this crazy, broken world we live in. Some days I am in my prayer dancing and singing with such wild abandon that I want to be in the kingdom right then. Some days I realize I am in the kingdom already - if I just had the courage to open my eyes to God.

I pray throughout the day, always and everywhere, sometimes with words, sometimes with actions, sometimes out loud, sometimes silently, sometimes leading others so they might open their heart and mind to God and sometimes so secretly it is just a whisper from my soul to my Creator.

My prayer today is that you might join me. Even if all you say is "Here I am God, I don't know about this prayer stuff." Stay quiet, for just a moment, just 60 seconds and let your prayer rest upon the wind and see where it carries you.

Balance Beam

Today I went into a meeting to begin to say "No" and to let things slide off my plate. I walked out of the meeting having said "No" and "Yes Yes" and adding to my plate. Hmmm...

Insanity or Radical Balance? I don't feel overwhelmed (yet). I feel as though I have just been given another gift of opportunity for ministry. I know there aren't enough hours in the day to keep adding and never deleting activities. But on the other hand I keep praying to God and asking "Where is your spirit leading me?", "Where do you want me?", "Am I where I am supposed to be?" Often after asking these questions I will begin to daydream (not very effective for the Almighty To Do list). I dream about worship and classes and conversations and sermons and serving and helping. The project I agreed to help organize today I have been pondering for 4 years. Today the opportunity arose.

Do I cling to the balance beam and think to myself "I can't" or do I jump off hands raised to heaven praising God for an answered prayer and ask Him for strength and courage to do this work in His name? I will have to let something go and this is okay. I can't do everything for everyone and this is also OK. It is time to drop to my knees again and begin to pray in earnest as to what has to go. But I probably already know. God can be very clear to me working with my energy - the task that wakes me at 4am and sets my adrenaline rushing is good, the task that I procrastinate and put off until the last minute and dread every second and then feel as though the sun burst open when I am finished is not good.

Surrendering your life to God is a daily balancing act - don't be afraid to fall. God will always catch you and raise you up!

New Discovery

I have just discovered the music of Michele McLaughlin.  Her music is haunting and ethereal and transfixing.  I can't stop listening to her - this one in particular "the druid's prayer" - I feel as though I am dancing within the clouds as I listen to it and yet I haven't left my chair!

What a splendid way to end this sabbath day and begin preparing for the work of tomorrow - I just keep hitting replay.  I hope you enjoy.




Michele McLaughlin - The Druid's Prayer

The Sunrise Beckons Me Alive Again

There are days when being "in" this world but not "of" this world is a daunting task.  Days when all I really want to do is sit and breathe, watch the sunrise and the magnificence of Creation awakening, surround myself with the beauty of music and inhale the words of those who bring the mystery of life alive.  There are days when I want to so fully embrace the Spirit and dance together that the rest of the world is a mere mirage.  And indeed isn't it?  This running around, this frantic pace, this have to do and have to have life - what is it really but a mirage.  What are we running from instead of dancing into?

"If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the furthest limits of the sea, Even there your hand shall lead me and your right hand shall hold me fast."  Psalm 139:9-10

"Should I have led a more simple life?

Have my ambitions been worthy?

Has the wind, for years, been talking to me as well?

Somewhere, among all my thoughts, there is a narrow path.

It's attractive, but who could follow it?

Slowly the full morning

draws over us its mysterious and lovely equation.

Then, in the branches poling from their dark center,

ever more flexible and bright,

sparks from the sun are bursting and melting on the bird's wings

as, indifferent and comfortable,

they lounge, they squabble in the vast, rose-colored light."

(excerpt from Crows by Mary Oliver)

Cry To The Lord

What do you do when a friend is in pain?  What do you do when relationships break, when someone's heart breaks, when someone's will to fight breaks, when the diagnosis is terminal, when the interview doesn't result in the much needed job, when a child can't be rescued from life's struggles, when time doesn't heal, when there aren't any answers only mounting questions, when someone's only prayer can be "do not forsake me"? 

All I can do is pray.

"Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry for help;

be not deaf to my weeping."  Psalm 39:12

"I cry aloud to the LORD;

I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy."  Psalm 142:1

"Hear my prayer, O LORD;

let my cry for help come to you."  Psalm 102:1

"Hear my prayer, O God;

listen to the words of my mouth."  Psalm 54:2

Present Time

I bought myself a present ;-) and it came today.  Such a nice surprise!

I was going to ask for this for my birthday from my husband and kids but I am leading Morning Prayer and will receive critique and feedback at my next class, so I splurged.  It is a Prayer Book and Hymnal combined!  Leather bound and I am going to have my name put on the cover (at some point).  I am as excited as 4 year old on Christmas morning.  I am leading worship tomorrow for Morning Prayer and I think I will use it.  I have always used my little paperback version with my photograph bookmarks - I think I will still have to stash a few photos in it.

Also...since this feels like true confession Tuesday - I got Celtic Daily Prayer; prayers and readings from northumbria community and Celtic Prayers From Iona by J. Philip Newell and A Contemporary Celtic Prayer Book by William John Fitzgerald.

I keep feeling called to an evening worship service - for about a year and a half now.  I haven't discerned what it fully means yet.  I am trying to be patient.  But I have used some prayers out of these books and thought they would be perfect for my little growing library.  A feast for my soul.  Happy Birthday (early) to me!



The Celtic Service

St. Stephen's Episcopal Church, Richmond, Va

Now We Are Awake

"Now we are awake

and now we are come together

and now we are thanking the Lord.

This is easy,

for the Lord is everywhere.

He is in the water and the air,

He is in the very walls.

He is around us and in us.

He is the floor on which we kneel.

We make our songs for him

as sweet as we can

for his goodness,

and, lo, he steps into the song

and out of it, having blessed it,

having recognized our intention,

having awakened us, who thought we were awake,

a second time,

having married us to the air and the water,

having lifted us in intensity,

having lowered us in beautiful amiability,

having given us

each other,

and the weeds, dogs, cities, boats, dreams

that are the world."

Matins excerpt from Her Grave Again by Mary Oliver

Another Glorious Sabbath

I have loved this song and wanted to share -what better day than today as I head to worship.  Another blessed sunrise, another opportunity to live a life that glorifies the One who created and saved me!

Overcoming Self

I am studying Deborah and reading through Judges learning about the cycles of sin and how God transcends into every life and every culture.  One of the quotes in my workbook has just taken a hold of me this week and won't let go "Victory is not me overcoming sin, or the devil, or the world.  True, lasting victory is only found when Jesus overcomes me." (Wayne Barber, Eddie Rasnake, Richard Shepherd)

Faith is a Verb

This week I am studying Rahab and Rachel.

Rahab the Canaanite prostitute who was savvy in business and wise in the world and who turned her whole life over to God. Rachel the Shepherdess who was so physically beautiful that Jacob was awestruck the moment her saw her walking down the pasture surrounded by sheep; she used her beauty to manipulate those around her who loved her but ended up living and ending her life in sorrow.

Outer beauty, Inner beauty - one quickly fades as time marches on, one glows ever brighter as Jesus dwells deeper and deeper in the heart. Where does Faith play a part in one's beauty? Remember God is no respecter of persons - you can show up shiny as a brand new penny in your designer suit with your designer shoes, smelling of expensive lotion and wearing the mask of the perpetual smile to Sunday Morning Mass or you can walk in off the street, smelling of need and hunger, dressed in poverty and loneliness, wondering if you can ever truly smile again in your desperate need for compassion and friendship. You both will stand in front of your Savior and who will be truly seen? Do you really want to be seen or is the social mask on so tight, are you so beautiful in your own sight, that you can't begin to imagine the beauty the Savior has abundantly blessed you with? Who will glow with the glory of God within - whose faith will shine forth as a beacon in this world?

We do not know if Rahab was beautiful in physical person or not. We know she was on the margin of society, so much so that her "Inn" was in between the two walls of Jericho. Her family did not live with her, she had no husband and no children. She was a business woman who worked hard and supported herself in a male dominated society where if you were a woman who did not belong to a man you most likely would starve. We do not know if she was deprived of society or not because Canaan at this time was a place of moral depravity and idolatry, sorcery and human sacrifice; there may have been no social moral code that would keep Rahab the Harlot from moving among her people.

"Then Joshua son of Nun secretly sent two spies from Shittim. "Go, look over the land," he said, "especially Jericho." So they went and entered the house of a prostitute named Rahab and stayed there. The king of Jericho was told, "Look! Some of the Israelites have come here tonight to spy out the land." So the king of Jericho sent this message to Rahab: "Bring out the men who came to you and entered your house, because they have come to spy out the whole land." But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them. She said, "Yes, the men came to me, but I did not know where they had come from. At dusk, when it was time to close the city gate, the men left. I don't know which way they went. Go after them quickly. You may catch up with them." (But she had taken them up to the roof and hidden them under the stalks of flax she had laid out on the roof.) So the men set out in pursuit of the spies on the road that leads to the fords of the Jordan, and as soon as the pursuers had gone out, the gate was shut. Before the spies lay down for the night, she went up on the roof and said to them, "I know that the LORD has given this land to you and that a great fear of you has fallen on us, so that all who live in this country are melting in fear because of you. We have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to Sihon and Og, the two kings of the Amorites east of the Jordan, whom you completely destroyed. When we heard of it, our hearts melted and everyone's courage failed because of you, for the LORD your God is God in heaven above and on the earth below. Now then, please swear to me by the LORD that you will show kindness to my family, because I have shown kindness to you. Give me a sure sign that you will spare the lives of my father and mother, my brothers and sisters, and all who belong to them, and that you will save us from death." "Our lives for your lives!" the men assured her. "If you don't tell what we are doing, we will treat you kindly and faithfully when the LORD gives us the land." So she let them down by a rope through the window, for the house she lived in was part of the city wall. Now she had said to them, "Go to the hills so the pursuers will not find you. Hide yourselves there three days until they return, and then go on your way." The men said to her, "This oath you made us swear will not be binding on us unless, when we enter the land, you have tied this scarlet cord in the window through which you let us down, and unless you have brought your father and mother, your brothers and all your family into your house. If anyone goes outside your house into the street, his blood will be on his own head; we will not be responsible. As for anyone who is in the house with you, his blood will be on our head if a hand is laid on him. But if you tell what we are doing, we will be released from the oath you made us swear." "Agreed," she replied. "Let it be as you say." So she sent them away and they departed.
And she tied the scarlet cord in the window." Joshua 2:1-21

Faith is a Verb. Rahab is our example. The One True Living God - was not Rahab's god, she was not a member of the Chosen Tribe. Rahab had heard of the Exodus, of The One True Living God of Moses who brought His people out of slavery, opened the Red Sea and destroyed the Pharaoh's army. She knew that Moses and his people lived in the desert for 40 years and survived, not only survived but thrived and more generations were born. Stop with me here - we mean the desert - we mean extreme heat, no water, no sustainable food sources, we mean wandering and not setting up tent in any place for too long. I don't know about you but I can't imagine living in the desert for even a day! Rahab knew that the only way a people could survive in the desert for a day much less 40 years was by the hand of a powerful God. When the spies came to her from Joshua's camp - they had already utterly defeated two armies, they were not weak from the desert but strong. Don't you wish you had some Manna now?

Opportunity. Every day we experience opportunity, literally every breathe we take is opportunity. Rahab welcomed two spies into her home and beheld her opportunity. In one breath she had to decide - shall I follow my people and these idol gods we claim, all that I have known my whole life to be my reality OR shall I seize the day "Carpe Diem" and tell these two spies - I know your One True Living God and I give my life to Him, I will stand with you and use my gift of savvy and wisdom to keep you free from danger so that you might come and take the land your One True Living God has promised you. My only request is that you allow me to live the rest of my life for your God, to surrender my life to Him so that I might be His also. Faith in Action, she was not going to let the Lord just pass her by she was going to shout out "I am here"!

Now let's turn back time to Rachel.

"While he was still talking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she was a shepherdess. When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of Laban, his mother's brother, and Laban's sheep, he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle's sheep. Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud. He had told Rachel that he was a relative of her father and a son of Rebekah. So she ran and told her father. As soon as Laban heard the news about Jacob, his sister's son, he hurried to meet him. He embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his home, and there Jacob told him all these things. Then Laban said to him, "You are my own flesh and blood." After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, Laban said to him, "Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be." Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel." Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me." So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her." So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her. And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant. When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?" Laban replied, "It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. Finish this daughter's bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work." And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. Laban gave his servant girl Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maidservant. Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah.
And he worked for Laban another seven years."
Genesis 29:9-28

My heart breaks for Rachel. How wonderful to be young and beautiful and adoringly loved by a strong man. So loved that Jacob worked her father's lands and herds for 7 years to have the opportunity to marry her. How anticipated this wedding night must have been. Have you ever dreamed of something for 7 years? The last day of those 7 years must have crept along eternally as both Jacob and Rachel prepared to be wed. And then morning comes and joy and bliss quickly turn into anger and frustration. Jacob wakes up in the morning married to Leah. Oh poor Leah, how must she have felt watching her new husbands face turn from bliss to hatred as the sleep cleared his eyes and understanding dawned on his mind. And Rachel - when did she realize she wasn't the bride? At what point in the evening did she know? Scripture doesn't tell us -did she have to prepare her sister Leah for the betrothal? Did she get prepared herself and wait and wait and wait only towards dawn to realize that something had gone terribly amiss?

How does that next day even unfold as a man realizes he is married to the wrong woman, that his beloved is his sister-in-law and that he must sit at the table and show due respect to the father-in-law who orchestrated this whole betrayal - to Jacob, to Leah, to Rachel "You are my own flesh and blood."Genesis 29:14 - did Jacob's brain ring with these words as his heart remembered his own betrayal of his father Isaac and his brother Esau. Did God use this opportunity to break open Jacob's own heart to see for the first time what he had truly done to his own family?

Rachel at this point takes her opportunity and turns to the gods of anger, bitterness and sorrow. Through the rest of the scripture we watch her burn with jealousy and envy, her sister stole her husband, her sister has her children, the dream of her life was a living nightmare.

"When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I'll die!" Jacob became angry with her and said, "Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?"" Genesis 30:1-2

She eventually gets to marry Jacob, and he still adores and loves her (he worked an additional 7 years to be able to marry her), but it isn't the same. They aren't cleaved as one together because Jacob also lives with Leah (and then with Bilhah and Zilpah). Finally as Rachel gives birth to Joseph she is happy and experiences that joy and bliss of true love again, but in her next breathe she takes the opportunity to re-embrace greed and envy and demand of God more children. Had she even risen from the birthing stool when she cried this out to God?

"Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." She named him Joseph, and said, "May the LORD add to me another son."
Genesis 30:22-24

I believe Rachel is the first recorded death from childbirth in the bible. Not to say it hadn't happened before in history. Just to say that scripture makes a point to show us that Rachel's shining beauty ended early in worn out anger and bitterness, jealousy and envy which all led to sorrow, in bearing the children she wanted out of a competitive spirit, not a loving spirit.

"Rachel began to give birth and had great difficulty. And as she was having great difficulty in childbirth, the midwife said to her, "Don't be afraid, for you have another son." As she breathed her last—for she was dying—she named her son Ben-Oni. But his father named him Benjamin." Genesis 35:16-18

She claimed those truths even to her dying breath when she named her son Ben-Oni "son of my sorrow". She turned from The One True Living God and placed her faith in her beauty and her ability to get people to love her. But isn't the real love she was looking for only possible from God? Can you really ask another human being to fill your heart when your heart cries out for God? That is a lot of expectation to put on the shoulders of another person. And I fear a lot of dissapointment felt within a heart that keeps striving in the wrong places.

Faith is a Verb. Opportunity awaits you today, this moment, to put your Faith in Action. What a glorious adventure you are on, I can't wait to see where Faith takes you! Remember on this Journey - You are Beautiful, You are Treasured, You are Sacred, You are His!

(ps - my heart also breaks for Leah, and I am so thankful that she knew and embraced God in her pain and suffering so that she might live a life of Joy - I will go into her story next week more in depth)