My firstborn just turned 12 years old. I have been her mother for 12 years. She made me a mother. Before her I had no idea what the word Mother, Mommy, Mama, Mom...even meant.
The 9 months I carried her within my body seemed to me to last 9 years and yet the last 12 years of living with her and for her has seemed to pass in just 12 seconds.
12 years means she is more vividly her own person than I have ever let myself believe before. She has her own mind, her own talents, her own opinions on the world and me. Her own truths, her own perspectives and she embarks on her own journey with God. I feel as though I am becoming her staff and rod in this life. How much time do I have left with her to teach her, show her, help her experience? I will always love her, my hearts first real love, I pray she will always want my love, always include my love in her life.
I always say God gave me the gift of my first child, my first daughter, to teach me patience. I had to wait to get pregnant with her. I had to wait for her first movement in my womb. I had to wait for her to be born (2 weeks late!). I had to wait for her first breath of air, her first feeding, her first full night of sleep, her first smile (that others couldn't say was just gas), her first word (Dada!), her first steps (14m). Now I hope I can wait so much longer for her first heartbreak, her first voyage out of innocence into the cruel world, her first dose of reality into human nature, her first failure that cracks her dreams of who she can be so that she can become who she is meant to be.
She is a beautiful gift from God entrusted to my care in this crazy, broken world. I pray for patience to guide her in the path of righteousness and right relationship with her Creator, her Savior and Redeemer, her Guiding Spirit. I pray I keep my heart and mind open to the lessons she has to teach me. I pray she knows the earth moved and the heavens rejoiced the moment she took her first breath, I pray she still sees the look of pure, unconditional love on her father's face the way I did the moment she appeared in this world. I pray her footprint is soft and caring, sharing her love and hope and future with all who are blessed to join in her journey.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
surrender to the call
"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
This quote sums up my surrender to my call beautifully.
I've always known there was something I was supposed to do, some purpose I couldn't really put my finger on. I grew up Roman Catholic and for a few tween years thought I was going to be a nun. That seemed my only choice, but then as I grew a little older I knew for certain I was supposed to be a mother, that meant being a wife and that pretty much rules out the convent.
I first worshiped in the Episcopal Church at age 19, an Easter service. I loved it and started hanging around more to see what the church was all about. Then I met a female priest! My life has never been the same. It was in my late 20s I began to suspect God was still calling me to serve him in ministry, not as a nun, but now I had other ways to serve; lay ministry, deacon, priest. All were viable, real options. It took many years of discernment and lots of active ministry work to help me define my call.
I keep praying and listening and trying to follow where God is leading the best I can. But I didn't have the courage to say "Here I am Lord, is it me Lord?" until it was more painful to stay rooted where I was than to take a leap of faith into where God wanted me to be. The risk in telling my family and friends and my church what I knew God was calling me to do felt huge to me, but there came a point when not following God was no longer an option. Now I feel a sense of freedom I have never known in my life before.
This quote sums up my surrender to my call beautifully.
I've always known there was something I was supposed to do, some purpose I couldn't really put my finger on. I grew up Roman Catholic and for a few tween years thought I was going to be a nun. That seemed my only choice, but then as I grew a little older I knew for certain I was supposed to be a mother, that meant being a wife and that pretty much rules out the convent.
I first worshiped in the Episcopal Church at age 19, an Easter service. I loved it and started hanging around more to see what the church was all about. Then I met a female priest! My life has never been the same. It was in my late 20s I began to suspect God was still calling me to serve him in ministry, not as a nun, but now I had other ways to serve; lay ministry, deacon, priest. All were viable, real options. It took many years of discernment and lots of active ministry work to help me define my call.
I keep praying and listening and trying to follow where God is leading the best I can. But I didn't have the courage to say "Here I am Lord, is it me Lord?" until it was more painful to stay rooted where I was than to take a leap of faith into where God wanted me to be. The risk in telling my family and friends and my church what I knew God was calling me to do felt huge to me, but there came a point when not following God was no longer an option. Now I feel a sense of freedom I have never known in my life before.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Dinner with GFs tonight
Looking forward to hanging out with some GFs tonight, dinner and I might be able to talk them into a movie - really I can't be the only one who hasn't seen Eclipse ;-) They might have to prop me up in the corner though as I went to Yoga again today and let me just say it took great courage because just blinking my eyes hurts! Day 3 will be better, this is a good reminder not to take such a long break from yoga.
Monday, July 12, 2010
VBS Day One - Who Am I?
Really? Who Am I is the first lesson for my kiddos at VBS today? I couldn't help but laugh. A question I have been kicking around for the past 4 days and it is the topic today. God has a serious sense of humor!
The kids learned a great song about how God tells them they are special and wonderfully made - how true, how true. There are a lot of people who don't grow up knowing this or forget they once knew during times of teenage angst or the trials of adulthood. Knowing that just who they are, as they are is a good and joyful thing. There isn't anything you "have to do" to "earn" God's Love. Okay there is one thing, and sometimes one of the hardest things you will ever do: You have to accept His Love, His wonderful and perfect and unconditional, extraordinary Love! All for you.
My throat hurts this afternoon. I went back to Bikram Yoga this morning for the first time after a long hiatus. The first (and last) exercise of the class is Breathing. Amazing that just the exercise of consciously breathing for a few minutes, really breathing, inhaling God's Love, exhaling my personal sins and toxins, can cause me to have a bit of a sore throat because I normally don't allow myself the time and space to breathe adequately.
The magnificence of this breathing (and why I am joyful about my sore throat) is that it is enough for God. All He wants me to do is to breathe and Be who He created me to be. It is enough for Who I Am; wonderfully and fearfully made and greatly loved and cherished by my Creator, precious in His sight. Thanks be to God!
The kids learned a great song about how God tells them they are special and wonderfully made - how true, how true. There are a lot of people who don't grow up knowing this or forget they once knew during times of teenage angst or the trials of adulthood. Knowing that just who they are, as they are is a good and joyful thing. There isn't anything you "have to do" to "earn" God's Love. Okay there is one thing, and sometimes one of the hardest things you will ever do: You have to accept His Love, His wonderful and perfect and unconditional, extraordinary Love! All for you.
My throat hurts this afternoon. I went back to Bikram Yoga this morning for the first time after a long hiatus. The first (and last) exercise of the class is Breathing. Amazing that just the exercise of consciously breathing for a few minutes, really breathing, inhaling God's Love, exhaling my personal sins and toxins, can cause me to have a bit of a sore throat because I normally don't allow myself the time and space to breathe adequately.
The magnificence of this breathing (and why I am joyful about my sore throat) is that it is enough for God. All He wants me to do is to breathe and Be who He created me to be. It is enough for Who I Am; wonderfully and fearfully made and greatly loved and cherished by my Creator, precious in His sight. Thanks be to God!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Taste and See
Welcome blessed Sabbath morn, how I love thee!
God is so good. He created a 7th day so that we might rest our weary hearts and minds, ease our sore muscles from our labor and gather together with brothers and sisters in Christ to share our faith, our joy and our woes as we all place them on His altar. As this blog continues I am sure I will spend many a writing breaking down the liturigal pieces but for now I just want share my love of worship.
One of my favorite things to do is walk into an empty church. Have you ever noticed the smells? There is this wood and water smell that I crave to breathe in. The older the parish the more tangy the smell, the newer the parish you still have the sweetness of the polish cutting into the elemental earthy smell. I love to walk in, sit in an empty pew and just breathe. It fills my spirit, revives my soul. Now Sunday morning worship smells with a full church are totally different. The perfume of flowers in the sanctuary, the aroma of coffee in the narthex, the sweet milky smell of new babies, the fresh outdoorsy smell of energized children and the perfumes and lotions of freshly scrubbed parishioners coming to worship their Lord and Savior.
I pray you find yourself at an altar this morning to lay down your week before God, give it all to Him and let it go. Let the Eucharist fill you with the Holy Spirit and transform your heart so that your light might shine the glory of God to all who meet you for the next 6 days!
God's peace to you my friend, Holly
Taste and See Hymn (from a hymnal book -if I find a the one I am looking for on-line I will link it so you can hear it.)
Just taste and see that the Lord is good;
Just taste and see that the Lord is good.
He's good for You, as He is for me;
So whatever you do, just taste and see.
Just call O Lord—He'll change your life;
Just call O Lord He'll change your life.
Amazing grace He will afford;
If in every place You call O Lord.
You'll feel real love coming into your heart;
You'll feel real love coming into your heart.
You'll sense a flow from God above;
And You will know you've found real love.
So praise the Lord for His life in you;
Yes, praise the Lord for His life in you.
Something of Christ He has outpoured
Into your life; so praise the Lord!
God is so good. He created a 7th day so that we might rest our weary hearts and minds, ease our sore muscles from our labor and gather together with brothers and sisters in Christ to share our faith, our joy and our woes as we all place them on His altar. As this blog continues I am sure I will spend many a writing breaking down the liturigal pieces but for now I just want share my love of worship.
One of my favorite things to do is walk into an empty church. Have you ever noticed the smells? There is this wood and water smell that I crave to breathe in. The older the parish the more tangy the smell, the newer the parish you still have the sweetness of the polish cutting into the elemental earthy smell. I love to walk in, sit in an empty pew and just breathe. It fills my spirit, revives my soul. Now Sunday morning worship smells with a full church are totally different. The perfume of flowers in the sanctuary, the aroma of coffee in the narthex, the sweet milky smell of new babies, the fresh outdoorsy smell of energized children and the perfumes and lotions of freshly scrubbed parishioners coming to worship their Lord and Savior.
I pray you find yourself at an altar this morning to lay down your week before God, give it all to Him and let it go. Let the Eucharist fill you with the Holy Spirit and transform your heart so that your light might shine the glory of God to all who meet you for the next 6 days!
God's peace to you my friend, Holly
Taste and See Hymn (from a hymnal book -if I find a the one I am looking for on-line I will link it so you can hear it.)
Just taste and see that the Lord is good;
Just taste and see that the Lord is good.
He's good for You, as He is for me;
So whatever you do, just taste and see.
Just call O Lord—He'll change your life;
Just call O Lord He'll change your life.
Amazing grace He will afford;
If in every place You call O Lord.
You'll feel real love coming into your heart;
You'll feel real love coming into your heart.
You'll sense a flow from God above;
And You will know you've found real love.
So praise the Lord for His life in you;
Yes, praise the Lord for His life in you.
Something of Christ He has outpoured
Into your life; so praise the Lord!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Who Am I? aka "about me"
Does anyone else find it really hard to describe yourself with that large question? It always befuddles me when I get asked "Tell me about yourself." Seems like a simple question right? My response is to normally self-consciously laugh and ask where would you like me to begin? Overwhelming question; Who Am I? Which part of me or my journey did the questioner want to know about, what do I highlight? I am a work in progress discovering new facets of myself everyday, the answer is definitely evolving.
The question makes me think of the song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns, enjoy the video whether you've seen it 100x or this is your first time.
The question makes me think of the song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns, enjoy the video whether you've seen it 100x or this is your first time.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Fridays on the front porch
Hello my friends,
Finally my foray into the blogosphere! I have been tempted to leap on-line with my ramblings for years and here I am. I started a family newsletter hoping to feed my writing/sharing desire. I find myself every month needing 2 extra pages to say everything I want to say ;-) I plan to use my blog "Grace Meets Girl" to digest all my new adventures. In about 6 weeks I begin the formal training as a postulant to become a Vocational Deacon in the Episcopal Church. I have spent the past 2 years in formal discernment and before that years in personal discernment. It was during a Centering Prayer experience that I no longer could try to excuse my way out of my call. It took me a few years to gather the courage to answer His call, but here I am. Once I answered my call and got out of God's way to do His will with my life things have been exciting and daring. Never have I lived so far out of my comfort zone in this life as I have in following my Savior's lead.
I imagine I will spend time here discussing theology, ministry and all things liturgical. I imagine I will share stories of being called to ordained ministry while still honoring my first calling as wife and mother. I will share my love for my favorite book, the Holy Bible, I will pray, share poems, authors, art and music that inspire me. I love the arts and the artists who share their talents with those like me who can only admire their gifts. I will share my favorites and my experiences as I learn to live into God's call for my life. I will share my ministry and invite you to join me.
While it is my story that I will share it is God's story that we all live into. You and I are the Beloved of our Creator. I look forward to your comments and discourse so that we might grow together in God's Love and Truth.
Blessings, Holly
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