This is the Day

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us Rejoice and be glad in it"

Today my journey begins. I leave in (hopefully) just 24 minutes. I wonder how long God has been waiting for me and I thank my God that He(She) never gave up on me!

My heart is so thankful for my husband who is so awesome being not just Daddy, but taking on all that I do too so that I might immerse myself in my calling. I have no worries about disconnecting from family life this weekend knowing all is in his great hands. My kids won't even notice I am gone, except for the fact that they will probably have more fun.

May you feel God's presence surround you this weekend also!

Sounds of Summer

We had a beautiful day today!  For the first time since May no humidity and all my windows are open and all the kids outside - almost all the kids in the court.  I live in the depths of suburbia and there are about 38 kids on our court.  The screeching, laughter and screams of Joy have been wonderful to hear.  Especially since it is all taking place outside!

This is the part of summer I will miss.  I won't miss the "I'm bored", "I don't wanna" and "she is in my seat" and "he won't let me have a turn".

I actually had a chance to sit in my favorite chair on my front porch and enjoy the breeze while catching up on my reading.  In truth I spent more time daydreaming than reading.  My DFI adventures begin this weekend and I can't wait.  I know there will be much time in silence and prayer and contemplation.  I will have time for just me and God.  I will be surrounded by my classmates who have all been feeling the same nudges and call I have been feeling.  Sometimes out here in the "real" world it can be hard to articulate how God has called you.  You don't want to appear crazy and yet you want to be true, you don't want to appear touchy feely and new agey when the call is so sacred and centuries old. 

I had a Holy Spirit moment this Sunday.  I had an opportunity to give the sermon at one of our services, and the sermon was okay.  I started off with my written sermon and then diverged a little when a thought came to me.  So the sermon was alright, no one got up and walked out ;-)  But the powerful part was when I ended in prayer.  I didn't practice the prayer, I didn't think about what to say, how to word it.  I opened my heart and mind to God and out came His words.  I felt completely in the moment of worship, not extending worship to the congregation or prepping a prayer for them, but distended in prayer.  I call those "time out of mind" moments.  Moments where I am in the present and the past and the future, with the Alpha and the Omega, completely surrendered to His will and His time.

I am not nervous or scared about this weekend.  Even though I don't know what to expect.  I don't know anyone, I don't have an official planned out curriculum.  I am so ready for this.  I feel as though I have been waiting my whole life to begin this journey and it is about to begin.  It feels so right and so good and I can't help but smile.  As I sit in my office and watch the twilight come and listen to the last bursts of energy from a gaggle of kids I know they are expressing the very way I feel inside.

Superchick We Live Lyrics

and Jesus wept

We knew the rain was coming, we knew today would be storms and non-stop rain. God brought us the rain to mix His heaven sent tears with ours. Baby D has gone to heaven and Jesus weeps with us, knowing our grief, feeling our pain.

Keep Baby D and his family in your prayers. I am thankful for morning prayer this morning, so thankful to be able to go to church and pray with others, to be wrapped in the arms of the Holy Spirit.

"Hail, Mary, full of grace.
Pray for me, now, in the time of my grief.

You had a son. You lost a son - in the prime of his life.
I, too.

Were your tears bitter, reflecting the injustice?
Were your tears a torrent, reflecting the anguish?
Were your tears hot, reflecting your anger?
Mine are.

Did your soul become barren in the salty river?
Did your faith grow dark, extinguished by tears?
Did your love shrivel as your tears dried?
Mine has.

Did you withdraw to nurse a wounded heart?
Did you curse and shake your fist at God?
Did you retreat into the past grasping at memories?
...
I have.

Did your weeping stop?
Did you live again?
Did you love again?
Did you believe again?

O Mary, full of grace.
Pray for me, now, in the time of my grief."
(exerpts from "A Mother's Prayer" -Mrs. Joanne B. Galbraith)

Darkness Falls

Our friends have learned the battle they have so strongly fought to save their son from cancer has ended. The doctors have told them there is no longer hope, and yet how does a parent ever give up hope? Even after the end do you give up hope? Isn't it a different hope?

There is a candle light vigil this evening. Baby D might still be with us during the vigil, he might be with God. I can't stop thinking about all the candles that he will only get to see from heaven. His 1st birthday candle, candles lit at church in prayer for him, candles at his siblings weddings, candles at his parents anniversaries, candles at the dinner table, candles in celebration, in meditation and in grief. He is a twin and his brother will have to blow out all their candles by himself.

I am thankful for D's life, for his journey, for the love he gave his family and the smiles he shared with our world, the courage he lived with and the grace he showed to more people than we will ever know. People he never met that have prayed for him and known him through his families words and love. I am sad to never see him playing outside with all the other kids, running through yards, riding his bike, chasing the dogs, playing flashlight tag and wondering at the stars. I grieve for his parents, their loss unexplainable. There are no words of comfort. I pray God enfolds them, keeps them strong together, with one another and surrounded by the Holy Spirit to sustain them.

He Leadeth Me

After my meeting with the Commission on the Deaconate I began to ponder an idea of visiting churches. After my meeting with the Bishop I felt this urging to not keep it an idea but begin doing it.

The Episcopal Church is organized by Diocese, within the Diocese are Regions, within the Regions are Parishes. When I am ordained as a Deacon I will serve under the Bishop at the Parishes he sends me. I will do my initial field work while at the Diaconal Formation Institute at my sending parish and then I will be sent to another parish to continue my field work and possibly another parish to do my Practicum.

The Diocese I belong to is huge, in fact it might be the largest in the U.S., in my Region alone there are 20 parishes. I am in just one of 15 Regions. I was thinking I could visit just one parish a month, but even in 2 years I would just see my region and 4 more churches!

I am not sure how to blog about my adventures in church visiting. So I haven't yet. I made my first visit to a church in another state right before I began my blog so I didn't write about it. I made my second visit to a church in another diocese in our state and I didn't blog about it. But last night I visited a church in my Diocese and I really want to blog about it. I think I will call this series of blogs "He Leadeth Me".

I want to experience the hand of God as it is being experienced throughout our Diocese. I want to meet the people who come to worship, I want to feel the Holy Spirit moving amongst the congregations, I want to hear them talk about the way they love and serve their neighbor. It is fine to read on their websites, look at pictures of their church, their work. But I don't just want to research them, I want to know them. I want to be in communion with my brothers and sisters who might live in the mountains, near the river, in the depths of suburbia and the inner streets of our capital city. One of the great beauties of the Episcopal church is how the church holds in tandem its great diversity with its most inner sameness. I imagine it is the beauty of the kingdom, all God's children expressing their love and joy in Him in all their created uniqueness.

Blessed worship to you this morning, Holly

Thank You

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is 'thank you', it will be enough." ~ Meister Eckhart

God has blessed me yet again. Answered prayers, relieved burdens. A gift beyond the mere words of Thank You. I do not know my benefactor beyond the fact that God spoke to their heart and they responded. I am filled with thanksgiving for their prayers and their gift, for one could not give this gift without much prayer.

I am still overwhelmed today by this gift, but the very moment I learned of it I knew it was from God. I know this gift was given to me so that I might be relieved of another rock on my path. God has lent a straight road for me where my focus can be only on Him and His will for the work of my hands and feet. I am truly blessed.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile." ~ Mother Teresa

The Lady With The Lamp

Today we commemorate Florence Nightingale. She is absolutely fascinating from so many different perspectives, a definite force to be reckoned with. At age 16 she wrote in her diary "On February 7th, 1837, God spoke to me and called me to his service."

Yesterday we commemorated Claire of Assisi who at age 18 was asked to lead as Superior and said no until she turned 21.

Both women at a young age heard God, listened to Him and devoted their lives to prayer, tending the sick and changing the world. I don't believe either of them knew they were changing the world through their small acts of mercy. I believe they saw hurt and suffering and waste and they fought to change what they saw. They had hope and they had mercy and they served grace.

They both did all these things in centuries where women had no true voice, they fought to have their voice heard. Boldness proclaimed by humbleness. We have a lot to learn from them.

You may never know the future effects of your acts of mercy - don't let that stop you! Everyday you have a moment that you can change the world, one person, one act of service at a time. Try to notice the moment today. It could be as simple as looking someone in the eye, really looking at them when you speak, when they speak. When was the last time you actually looked at someone and really saw them? Not just spoke at them, not just preoccupied with 100 other thoughts while they spoke to you. It could be the cashier who rings up your groceries, the waiter who asks you for your order, the person holding the door open for you, or the person getting out of the car next to you. Do you even see them? I wonder if it could even be your family? You spend your whole day striving for your family - earning money for them, serving them through laundry, meals, activities, entertainment, praying for them. But when was the last time you looked at one of your family members and talked to them, looked into their eyes and heard them? Not just their words, but their meaning, their need to be heard, to be loved. We fill this world with our voices but how much listening do we actually do?

To hear God you must practice the art of silence and the art of listening. Practicing the skill with your family and your neighbor is a great place to start.

Blessings on your conversations today, Holly

All Registered

WooHoo! I am officially registered for the Episcopal Village Mission Event - East; Brian McLaren is one of the keynote speakers. I have been following the Emergent movement and am intrigued by how it could move within the Episcopal Church, especially the role Vocational Deacons could play. This is an exciting time!

"The gospel is for us a beckoning, a summons, always associated with transitive words like "leave," "come," "go," "follow."" (Brian McLaren, A New Kind of Christianity, pg 28)

"We pray that God will create something new and beautiful in and among us for the good of all creation and to the glory of the living God." (Brian McLaren, A New Kind of Christianity, pg 29)

"Our faith is vain and self-centered if it only brings blessing for us or to us. It also must result in blessing that flows through us to the world." (Brian McLaren, A New Kind of Christianity, pg 29)

I am very excited indeed!

a picture, a poem, a prayer

The Rocky Beach

When first birthed

From its mother rock

Each stone was sharp, jagged, unbending.

Now, eons of storms and pounding surf

Have rounded the edges,

Smoothed the surfaces.

Each stone different.

some black, others white -

Speckled ones abound.

Many flat, more round -

Mica glitters from granite globes.

None shaped like its neighbors

All together make the rocky beach -

A rough-hewn edge to the sea

Sparkled by the sun.

May one stone chosen from many

Be a reminder that we are each like this -

Born of the same Source.

Each is unique,

Each is being worn smooth

By the storms of life.

Together, with our various shapes,

Sizes, colors - and our varied gifts-

We return beauty to God's world.

written by Ms. Susan Mixter Blanchard

Heavenly Father, Thank you for yesterday. A day with my kids running around, jumping rocks, skipping rocks, creating rock masterpieces, discovering every rock is unique and bringing more rocks home to clean and display so that we can remember. Innocent moments, blessed memories, please let me always remember. Alleluia. Amen.

Family of Seven

"I have no greater joy than this, to hear of my children walking in truth." 3 John 4

We were at church this morning having just returned to our pew from communion. I had a few moments to pray. After the end of the communion song and right before our post-communion prayer my youngest son (and youngest child) whispered into my ear, "Mommy we don't have 6 people in our family, we have 7." I smiled thinking he was talking about the dog, but then was surprised he forgot about the cat and the newest member of our family "Charlie" the Fish. But then he continued, wanting me to understand his revelation, "We have Mommy, Daddy, DD #1, DD #2, DS #1, DS #2 and God. God is a part of our family, Mommy." I lit up with a smile of pure joy and said, "yes, yes He is."

And this is why we go to church as a family.

I have many friends who do not go to church and just as many reasons for why they do not. Everything ranging from theology, family of origin, faith disagreements between spouses, religiosity, spirituality, only day of the weekend to sleep in, travel sports and much more. Much of it can come down to the fact that they don't believe they need a church to be with God. And I couldn't agree with them more. God is within them, surrounding them and always beside them, they do not need a building to be with Him.

But what if the church was more than just being with God for an hour on Sunday morning? What if church was a place to discover through thousands of years of tradition all that we are and all that we can be? What if church was a physical place where believers can gather to uphold one another in times of hardship and uplift one another in times of celebration? What if church was who you are and how you are and taught your children who they are and who God desires them to be? What if church was the place that you said "Thank you God", "peace to you my friend", "you are my neighbor and I love you as Christ loves you". And what if church became as ordinary and as powerful in your life as breathing? What if you formed friendships with people who would tell you the Truth in Love and Love you in Truth?

I wonder then if it would be so easy for people to forgo church or to just keep it in the realm of their to do list? I wonder if church would become who they are and how they went out into the world? The sanctuary building would be their place to gather to worship God and rediscover His Word weekly, to rest and rejuvenate, to reach out and to gather close, to be blessed so that they might go forth as a blessing.

Church for me is a place to ask questions and then live out the answers. And I am filled with Joy in the answer my youngest son has found within himself from his shared experience at church.

Transfiguration

Luke 9:28-36
The Transfiguration
Now about eight days after these sayings Jesus took with him Peter and John and James, and went up on the mountain to pray. And while he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became dazzling white. Suddenly they saw two men, Moses and Elijah, talking to him. They appeared in glory and were speaking of his departure, which he was about to accomplish at Jerusalem. Now Peter and his companions were weighed down with sleep; but since they had stayed awake, they saw his glory and the two men who stood with him. Just as they were leaving him, Peter said to Jesus, ‘Master, it is good for us to be here; let us make three dwellings, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah’—not knowing what he said. While he was saying this, a cloud came and overshadowed them; and they were terrified as they entered the cloud. Then from the cloud came a voice that said, ‘This is my Son, my Chosen; listen to him!’ When the voice had spoken, Jesus was found alone. And they kept silent and in those days told no one any of the things they had seen."

I can only imagine! How wonderfully terrifying. It is one of those moments when all that you have been doing and all you have been saying are REAL. Our world is so full of talking and talking and information and searching and talking. 24 hours a day you could literally be stampeded with noise. I wonder how it all sounds to God? I wonder if Peter trembled with fear and new understanding? Did he stop trying to put God in the human box or is it just too much for us to really comprehend?

And they kept silent. The noise stopped. The disciples were able to just be in the presence of God. They didn't have to talk about it, figure out how to expand upon it, debate about it, build three different churches for it. God was and is and for a moment in time His disciples were able to do the same.

My house is quiet

My house is so quiet and I am not sure what to do?

This September all my kids will be in school full-time, for the first time. It has been 12 years since I have had little ones hanging on me and I have been waiting excitedly for this day...hmmm.

My girls are gone to the beach, my boys are with a friend at the waterpark - although a thunderstorm just rolled in so they will probably head home soon. Poor guys they probably only got to swim for an hour and they LOVE this waterpark.

I couldn't wait for this moment of silence today. Then it came and I got lost? I should go to the grocery store (we are still eating poptarts for every meal, except for the occassional bag of popcorn), but I have no list and can't seem to sit down and make one. I really want to read this book, but I should finish this other one first. I sent a few e-mails, worked on a chart, contacted a few places for info for some ministry work I am developing. Folded a load of laundry. Really I paced around my house a lot thinking about how quiet it was. Considered a nap? music? tv? Nope just walking around.

I wonder how I will react this September? It has been so long since I had any free, quiet unplanned time. Knowing myself I will have a plan in place so I can check off items. This would be the perfect time to make that plan...mmm nope.

Watching the thunderstorm from my comfy chair sounds about right.

People Are Watching

I took the kids to the pool yesterday and happened upon an interesting conversation between the lifeguards.  One of the guards was saying to the other "you know sometimes at church during the music I look up and see these people, they have their eyes closed and like put their hands up in the air, rocking back and forth.  And I am like oh my god don't you know people are watching you?  Stop doing that, how embarrassing."

I find this conversation interesting on so many levels.  First, that I would be blessed to happen upon it, not coincidence - Godincidence!  Second, that two teenagers were spending their summer afternoon talking about God and church (yes!)  Third, how many people out there do not worship God the way their bodies and hearts call them to because "oh my god someone might see, what will they think of me?"?  Fourth, how many times today will I deny myself the urge to speak of God, worship God, talk about God because of where I am or who I am with and how they might receive it?  I was in my 30s before I could reconcile that I did not have two different lives, my "real" life and my "godly" life. 

I remember one day trying to explain to someone how I was feeling the nudges of God's call in my life and I said to them "When I am at church I am truly who I am, I am truly happy, I am authentic."  As soon as the words came out of my mouth and I realized how true they were I was scared.  What did that mean?  Was I trying to be two separate people keeping church and state separate?  Was I really living a life outside of the church that had nothing to do with God?  I started to look at every second of my life.  I prayed at home before meals - I didn't pray in restaurants.  What was that?  I was only thankful for the blessings of God inside my home where no one could see me?  From that moment on our family began to pray when we ate out.  But this lifeguard's words convicted me yesterday (the voice of God?) because when I go out to eat with other people - in their home or a restaurant - if they don't know me from church, I don't pray aloud, I pray silently.  Even, I am ashamed to say, with our extended family.  Some of my GFs know my journey and they ask me to bless the food before we eat, but if I am not asked I do not press to do it. 

I pray today that God will help me remember that people are watching and to rid me of my fear of image for my sake.  Help me to remember that the only image important is that "they" see more of God in me than me in me.  I was not created by the world for the world.  I was created by God for His kingdom.

It's all Greek to me

I love kids eat free night - especially when I only need to feed 2 of my kids ;-)  (If you don't have more than one kid per adult in your home there is a secret to kid's eat free night - only one kid per adult eats free!)  We have a little authentic Greek restaurant near us (although they have americanized the menu) - I know it is authentic because my Greek friends told me it is and dine there, otherwise what do I know?  I love going there.  I love indulging in Spanikopita and Baklava; just two of my favorites.  I also love the music and I love Greek mamas.  I have never been around a Greek mama who didn't adopt me and take me right in; loving hugs, plates of food, tons of "wear your coat" "do you have gloves?" "you think you should wear those pants in public?"  If you have seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding you know what I am talking about, according to my Greek GFs that movie is not a parody it is reality. 

I am also an honorary Greek Orthodox godmommy.  I am not Greek Orthodox so I can not be an official godmother, but I was granted a special place in the Baptism ceremony of my goddaughter and it was a wonderful, blessed experience.  I had never seen an infant full immersion baptism before.    I am used to the full congregant participation in a baptism during sunday church (or also Easter Vigil saturday service).  All of my children have been sprinkled.  In the Greek Orthodox church, during a private baptism ceremony, the child is fully immersed in the baptism font naked and dunked three times.  This is after the priest blesses olive oil and blesses places such as the forehead and the back and then the godparents cover the childs body in the oil.  In the Greek Orthodox church the sacrament of confirmation takes places right after the baptism and the child is fully received into the church, then vested in a beautiful white garment, walked three times around the font (symbolizing the angels dancing in heaven) and then partakes in Holy Eucharist as a full member of the Church.  It is a beautiful ceremony (there is so much I am leaving out), each moment based in ancient tradition and meaning, joining centuries of believers together into this very moment of time.  God's kingdom on earth.  Tonight, and every time I see my goddaughter's yaya and papou, I am reminded of that very special day and my very special responsibility to pray for her and support her parents in raising her up as a Christian or "other Christ"; to be an ambassador for God in this world.

It is so funny how God can take my day of "didn't want to"s - didn't want to do my housework, didn't want to do my churchwork, didn't want to write, make dinner, check the mail, water the flowers...and turn it into a "blessed to"day -  blessed to be able to go out to dinner, blessed to be embraced by yaya and papou, blessed to be a mother and godmother, blessed to know God and love Him and share that with all who know me.

Blessings on your day my friend, Holly

Back From The Shore

We are home, the voice mail has been checked, the e-mails read, the calendar pulled out and reviewed, still need groceries (thank God for Pizza Hut!), laundry is almost finished.

I miss the Shore already. I had no internet connection while gone, but I had plenty to blog about. I plan on writing a post for each day we were gone so if I seem to post a lot in the next few days I am really just trying to catch up.

I just finished the family newsletter and am letting a lot of people know about my blog and my recommendation for Postulancy for Holy Orders for the first time...it feels like this is the last time I will say it is my first time sharing. It still gives me butterflies. A new beginning!