People Are Watching

I took the kids to the pool yesterday and happened upon an interesting conversation between the lifeguards.  One of the guards was saying to the other "you know sometimes at church during the music I look up and see these people, they have their eyes closed and like put their hands up in the air, rocking back and forth.  And I am like oh my god don't you know people are watching you?  Stop doing that, how embarrassing."

I find this conversation interesting on so many levels.  First, that I would be blessed to happen upon it, not coincidence - Godincidence!  Second, that two teenagers were spending their summer afternoon talking about God and church (yes!)  Third, how many people out there do not worship God the way their bodies and hearts call them to because "oh my god someone might see, what will they think of me?"?  Fourth, how many times today will I deny myself the urge to speak of God, worship God, talk about God because of where I am or who I am with and how they might receive it?  I was in my 30s before I could reconcile that I did not have two different lives, my "real" life and my "godly" life. 

I remember one day trying to explain to someone how I was feeling the nudges of God's call in my life and I said to them "When I am at church I am truly who I am, I am truly happy, I am authentic."  As soon as the words came out of my mouth and I realized how true they were I was scared.  What did that mean?  Was I trying to be two separate people keeping church and state separate?  Was I really living a life outside of the church that had nothing to do with God?  I started to look at every second of my life.  I prayed at home before meals - I didn't pray in restaurants.  What was that?  I was only thankful for the blessings of God inside my home where no one could see me?  From that moment on our family began to pray when we ate out.  But this lifeguard's words convicted me yesterday (the voice of God?) because when I go out to eat with other people - in their home or a restaurant - if they don't know me from church, I don't pray aloud, I pray silently.  Even, I am ashamed to say, with our extended family.  Some of my GFs know my journey and they ask me to bless the food before we eat, but if I am not asked I do not press to do it. 

I pray today that God will help me remember that people are watching and to rid me of my fear of image for my sake.  Help me to remember that the only image important is that "they" see more of God in me than me in me.  I was not created by the world for the world.  I was created by God for His kingdom.