Delivered Again

"My vows to you I must perform, O God;

I will render thank-offerings to you.

For you have delivered my soul from death,

and my feet from falling,

so that I may walk before God

in the light of life."  Psalm 56:12-13

Fasting.  There has been many a Lenten season that I attempted to fast.  Never quite understanding fasting, never quite doing it fully.  I feel though that God is trying to tell me something and I am not getting it.  My sleep is disturbed, visions are being sent into my dreams, my dreams interrupted with wakefulness so that I remember what just occurred.  That is a sure sign that God is trying to reach me.  But I am not getting it.  Something is stirring.  I hear myself speaking phrases that just come out of my mouth as if I never thought of them before and yet they are as true as if I had pondered them for a year.  And yet I still am not sure what God is saying.

At one of the homeless shelters I serve one of the guests and I were talking about fasting.  Of clearing the mind and body of any preoccupation of this world so that we can empty ourselves and open up a channel of understanding.  Complete focus on prayer.  It is hard in my loud house and busy family to get absolutely quiet.  In fact that kids only went to school one day last week which really hampered my prayer time.  Plus I was preparing to help facilitate a retreat and my homework on top of those things in life we call small crisis moments that need pastoral care. 

Prayer must come first.  If my prayer life gets derailed I can not abide in God's will.  If I am not praying I start developing my own ideas and strategies and goals and visions.  Poof, off the path I can fall.  Pray, always and everywhere, unceasing, guarding the thoughts of my heart and mind.  For what we think, we say and what we say, we act upon and others might act upon.  Thought, Word, Deed.  My thought must be of God, the Word guiding my words and then my deeds can abide.

So I am going to fast.  I am going to pray.  I am going to empty myself and ask for the grace of understanding.  My vows I will perform, thanksgiving for every moment, those perceived good and those perceived not good.  For I know my God has saved me, time and time again, beckoning me to a path of righteousness - right relationship - with my Creator, a call defined, a life fulfilled.  Born again this new day.

Lightning Rod

I keep wondering why did God choose a girl like me?  I don't get it?  How does God take someone like me - someone who does not like conflict, does not like to speak out, does not like to make waves, who does not like to agitate, does not like to point out what is not true, who does not like to challenge people, who does not like to rock the boat, who does not.... well you get the picture.

God chose me as a Lightning Rod.  A pebble in your shoe.  A wave maker, a fire starter, a rock the boat kind of girl.  More and more I can't keep my mouth shut.  I helped facilitate a leadership retreat yesterday (me, the girl who likes to sit in the back of the room, last to speak up, will ask the question after class, and inwardly groans every time someone says breakout group time).  Now I am the girl at the front of the room presenting ideas and sharing my theology.  Seriously?  I was speaking at one point yesterday and the words weren't planned, but they were what I believe, part of my theology you could say, a spearhead of my own call.  I was just speaking and someone in the group said something to the effect of "gee thanks Holly no pressure there."

In that moment I felt the hand of God and heard "well done good and faithful servant."  That is my job as deacon, to proclaim the gospel and challenge my brothers and sisters to live counter cultural lives and lead by example.

Always before I speak to a group or present a homily I do my homework.  I study, I read, I write, I analyze, I spend hours.  I also pray and meditate.  I do my due diligence, I put in my hard work and my effort.  I prepare as well as I can.  But before I go in front of a group or before I step foot on the altar I pray.  I ask God to bless the work I have prepared and I surrender the work to God, asking God to put the words He would have me to speak into my mouth and to prepare the hearts of those who are in the room that needed to hear what She had prepared for them.  In the end I surrender and get out of God's way.  It isn't my work, it is God's work. 

And this is the only reason I can embrace my role as Lightning Rod.  It isn't about me.  It isn't about whether or not people like me or even like what I have to say.  This is so much bigger than me.  God is shaking things up, all powerful, all mighty, Creator of the world.  I am just a co-creator.  In the end the pot does not ask the potter why did you create me, why did you choose to place me here?  The pot says "thank you" and asks to be filled for a purpose.  It is when I embrace my purpose, my call, that I can enjoy and be enjoyed.  It is in the beauty of the vision of my Creator that I shine.  On my own I am just a pot, sitting on a shelf, gathering dust, seen by a few, who will forget me as quick as they noticed me.  My Creator though, my Creator loves me for the creation I am and rejoices when I fulfill my purpose.  We create quite the energy together - you could even say it's electric!

the devil made me do it

5:50am on a Saturday morning

8yr old son:  "Good Morning Mommy"
6yr old son:  "Good Morning Mommy"

Me - thinking - why is it you all always wake up too early on Saturdays and late on church and school days??
"Good Morning Boys, why are you awake so early??"

8yr old son:  "My devil brain told me to get up, sneak downstairs and play the Wii."
6yr old son:  "But our God brain told us to get dressed, come downstairs and ask permisson."

Me - thinking - the rest of this conversation should be interesting!

8yr old son:  "Sometimes I want to snatch out my devil brain and throw it on the floor and stomp on it!" as he is grabbing at his too long hair.

Me - thinking - these boys really need a haircut.
speaking to the 8yr old "Well the more you listen to your God brain the bigger your God brain gets and it takes up more room and squashes your devil brain out.  All you have to do is listen and follow God and God will take care of the rest!"

Both boys looking at me, sweet angelic faces and I of course say "I am sure God is very proud of you for listening to your God brain and doing the right thing even though it means you aren't playing on the Wii.  I think God would tell me to let you play so go have fun!"

Both boys "yeah!!!!" and scamper out of sight.

7:00am relating the story to my hubby as I get ready to leave for Annual Council.
Me - "I think they are getting it, so wonderful."
My Hubby - "they so know how to wrap their Mommy around their finger, they really love their Wii"  ;-)

I still choose to believe the boys "got it" for the morning, at least in that moment for that choice.  The encounter remdinded me of a story one of my spiritual mentors shared with my class on one of our retreats.  He told us about a native american story about the wolf within us - the wolf of Good and the wolf of Evil and every choice we made resulted in feeding the wolf of Good or the wolf of Evil.  Which wolf did we want to grow?  Which wolf would overcome us? 

My hope is to feed the wolf of Good so that Jesus might overcome me.  And the first thing I did when I got home from Annual Council was take the boys to get their haircut!

The Diagnosis

It seems every week the phone rings and we receive news that makes us wish we hadn't answered the phone.  As if not answering the phone would change the news.  One week it is good friends coming to the painful conclusion that their marriage has ended and they are getting divorced.  One week it is the call that a dear friend has just been diagnosed with cancer.  One week it is the call that a beloved child has died.  One week it is the call that another job has been lost that financially supports not just a core family but sometimes extended family also.

These are the calls that remind us how precious living in the moment is.  How the best gift you can give yourself and your life is being fully present.  We talk about it, read about it, daydream even about being present (which means we aren't being present, ironic!).  How do we do it?  How do we achieve it? Why does it take the phone calls to remind us?

We get so caught up in "stuff" and the "stuff" does make up our lives.  Isn't it amazing though how a phone call can shatter in mere seconds the import of any of the "stuff" we have prioritized as so important. 

I was leading Morning Prayer yesterday and one of our worshipers prayed aloud for the death of a 12yr old child.  The child was leading their normal life just hours before being found unexpectedly dead.  I immediately went to thoughts of my children.  Would I see them at the end of this day?  How did I leave them that morning - if that was our last moment had I treated them in a way they could embrace and remember with love and hope?  Had I prayed with them showing them God comes first?  Had I lived my life with them in a way that would continue to shape who they were in a Godly way, in an intentional way.  Had I given them a foundation and example of living a sacred and treasured life.  Did I let them know they are uniquely and lovingly created, that their very presence on this Earth makes the world a better place?

Then last evening we received a phone call.  cancer.  Another beloved friend faced with the battle.  I hate cancer.  I hate it.  Every year it takes away another beloved from my life.  I try not to hate, but I struggle with my hatred of cancer, I haven't been able to let go and let God in this hatred. 

Then I went to the homeless shelter I am serving this week.  I prayed the whole drive.  I ranted and raved and cried and begged.  One thing about my work is being present.  I knew when I opened the door to the shelter nothing about me mattered.  I had to get it all out in the car and show up as an empty vessel so that God might be with me and I might be fully present.  The women I serve deserve nothing less than my full attention.  I walked in the door and all was well.  Then one of the women wanted to speak with me privately and praise God the angels spoke through her to me.  We talked about praising God through every storm, of placing the Word straight into the middle of all that we do and all that we are experiencing.  We talked about crying out to God and surrendering our will, letting go of control and "stuff".  We talked about keeping in mind always the eternal and how being fully present in this world meant we can't really fit in and if we are beginning to fit in, to be comfortable then we aren't allowing God to truly work in us.  If we are accepting worldly affirmation then we might be straying from our path.  She has been through quite a storm in her life and she talked about how God was her rock and her shield and her stronghold and how her faith couldn't be shaken.  She shared with me she found a place to rent and was approved, her job is going well, her child is healthy and her abusive relationship is officially ended.  Praise God.

I was fully present for her, she was fully present with me and God spoke volumes between us.  And today I do not fear the ring of the phone.  No matter what the call entails I know that if I allow God to be present in my hearing and receiving and my actions follow divine will, all will be well.

All will be well.

I Am A Seed

"Again he began to teach beside the lake. Such a very large crowd gathered around him that he got into a boat on the lake and sat there, while the whole crowd was beside the lake on the land.  He began to teach them many things in parables, and in his teaching he said to them:  ‘Listen! A sower went out to sow.  And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and the birds came and ate it up.  Other seed fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil, and it sprang up quickly, since it had no depth of soil.  And when the sun rose, it was scorched; and since it had no root, it withered away.  Other seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it, and it yielded no grain.  Other seed fell into good soil and brought forth grain, growing up and increasing and yielding thirty and sixty and a hundredfold.’ 

And he said, ‘Let anyone with ears to hear listen!’

When he was alone, those who were around him along with the twelve asked him about the parables. And he said to them, ‘To you has been given the secret of the kingdom of God, but for those outside, everything comes in parables; in order that “they may indeed look, but not perceive, and may indeed listen, but not understand; so that they may not turn again and be forgiven.” ’

And he said to them, ‘Do you not understand this parable? Then how will you understand all the parables?  The sower sows the word.  These are the ones on the path where the word is sown: when they hear, Satan immediately comes and takes away the word that is sown in them. And these are the ones sown on rocky ground: when they hear the word, they immediately receive it with joy.  But they have no root, and endure only for a while; then, when trouble or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately they fall away.  And others are those sown among the thorns: these are the ones who hear the word, but the cares of the world, and the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things come in and choke the word, and it yields nothing. 

 And these are the ones sown on the good soil:

they hear the word and accept it and bear fruit, thirty and sixty and a hundredfold.’"  Mark 4:1-20

Which seed has been planted in you?  Which environment do you live?  Are you blossoming or do you need to ask God to transplant you?

"But who do you say that I am?"

"Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, ‘Who do people say that the Son of Man is?’ And they said, ‘Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.’ He said to them, ‘But who do you say that I am?’ Simon Peter answered, ‘You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.’ And Jesus answered him, ‘Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.’ "  Matthew 16:13-19

"But who do you say that I am?"

Who do you say God is?  Doesn't our entire faith and perspective fall on how we answer this question?  Who is God for you?  Where is God for you?  What is God for you?  How do you answer these questions?  Do you answer them? 

You live your life based on your answers to these questions.  No matter the answers.  I believe God will ask this vital question to each one of us.  It is more important than how we spent our time, our money, did we have a successful career, did we get married or not, have kids or not, go to college or not?  Did we go on vacation to the beach or the mountains, did we achieve our dreams or did we sit trapped in fear of failure? 

If you can answer the question "Who do you say I am?" then you can begin to answer the question "Who do you say you are?"  Are you living your life from a place of blessed abundance or do you live a life reacting to scarcity?  It's all about perspective.  It's the cup of life.  Are you half full or are you half empty?  Or are you overflowing?  People tend to forget the third option. 

I don't believe our answers are static, we grow, we learn, we breathe, we move.  We change, we ponder, we imagine, we dream.  We act.  When we can answer the question "But who do you say that I am?"

We can act on the answer.  Once we begin to live in answer to the question we can shape our life.  As our life takes shape we can take a step back and ask again. 

Do you ever watch the show Intervention?  The show fascinates me on so many different levels.  I don't believe there is an episode I haven't cried through.  Every show begins with the baby picture, the innocence and every show in the middle has the broken life, trapped in some addiction or another.  The life of the baby is gone, it is trapped under layers and layers of "stuff" for want of a better word - that could take a dozen posts to contemplate all the reasons why we accept addiction instead of freedom.  Interesting to me is God sees through the "stuff" in an instant.  He continues to ask us the same question "But who do you say that I am?" 

To break our own cycles of addictions and habits (good or bad) we should take the time to contemplate our answers.  I know some will say "if I only had time to do that" or "when I get time to do that I will" - but isn't that in and of itself your answer to the question?

A Servant Redeemed

"Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts:  I am the first and I am the last; besides me there is no god.  Who is like me? Let them proclaim it, let them declare and set it forth before me.  Who has announced from of old the things to come?  Let them tell us what is yet to be.  Do not fear, or be afraid; have I not told you from of old and declared it?  You are my witnesses!  Is there any god besides me?  There is no other rock; I know not one.

Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you, you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me.  I have swept away your transgressions like a cloud, and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done it; shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing, O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it!  For the Lord has redeemed Jacob, and will be glorified in Israel."  Isaiah 44:6-8,21-23

A servant proclaimed - "for you are my servant". "I formed you, you are my servant", "you will not be forgotten by me".  God created us and he will NOT forget us.  No matter where we walk, no matter how far we travel, no matter how hard we try to hide, to possibly even be forgotten.  "I have swept away your transgressions like a cloud, and your sins like mist" - how far the East is from the West the dear Lord takes our transgressions and shifts them from us.  The cross, the death of the divine, the blood of a savior.  "return to me for I have redeemed you."  The resurrection, new life, abundant joy, washed in the living river of blood so that we might shine clean and without sin so we might even consider to stand before the Lord our God.

Each time I sin I am nailing my God's hands to the cross.  Each time I act in thought, word and deed in a way that does not glorify my king, I am hauling that hammer high above my head and pounding his flesh to the wood of a tree.  I can blame no one but myself.  I can not stand before my God with anything but pain in my heart for every transgression I commit. 

But yet I have been redeemed, the Creator of the universe beckons me "do not fear" "come follow me"!  Stop the shame, stop the sinful hammering, pick up your cross and delight in my presence!

"I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all.

But each of us was given grace according to the measure of Christ’s gift. Therefore it is said, ‘When he ascended on high he made captivity itself a captive; he gave gifts to his people.’ (When it says, ‘He ascended’, what does it mean but that he had also descended* into the lower parts of the earth? He who descended is the same one who ascended far above all the heavens, so that he might fill all things.) The gifts he gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until all of us come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to maturity, to the measure of the full stature of Christ. We must no longer be children, tossed to and fro and blown about by every wind of doctrine, by people’s trickery, by their craftiness in deceitful scheming. But speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and knitted together by every ligament with which it is equipped, as each part is working properly, promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love."  Ephesians 4:1-16

 
"We must no longer be children."  How do we grow and learn?.  We eat the bread of life, drink the cup of salvation.  We get on our knees and confess our humanness, our sin.  We read our scripture and we sit with it ingesting and pondering each Word.  We surrender our will to God's divine will, we serve our brothers and sisters in this world, we embrace our humanness and give it to God as our gift, we free our hearts and minds from evil and idols and meditate on all that is good and holy.  We empty ourselves so that we might be vessels of the Holy Spirit.  We are forgiven and redeemed - we must honor that and move forward asking God "thy will be done" "forgive us our trespasses".  When we acknowledge that we are forgiven we must rejoice, praise God and live an abundantly thankful life to shine the light of Jesus on everyone who encounters us.
 
"The gifts he gave" - what gift were you given?  Do you honor your gift?  Do you embrace and proclaim your gift?  Do you use your gift in service and to "promotes the body’s growth in building itself up in love." 
 
Tonight I meditate in prayer:

"I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all."

Affirmation

"Then Jesus came from Galilee to John at the Jordan, to be baptized by him. John would have prevented him, saying, "I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?"  But Jesus answered him, "Let it be so now; for it is proper for us in this way to fulfill all righteousness." Then he consented.  And when Jesus had been baptized, just as he came up from the water, suddenly the heavens were opened to him and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased."   The Gospel according to Matthew 3:13-17

I had my church visit this past weekend.  I found myself in a small, historical church, filled with welcoming and open people and a spirit for prayer that was palpable.  I found myself kneeling in the pew enveloped in warmth and saturated in prayer.  It was good. 
 
The above scripture was the Gospel reading for Sunday.  A much beloved scripture.  I have spent a lot of time sitting with this scripture.  The image of the veil between earth and the kingdom lifted for a few precious moments, the love of our Savior and Creator enveloped through the Holy Spirit.  It leaves me in awe.
 
The Rector of this little church preached on Affirmation.  What is it?  Is it a forgotten art?  He noted that in this scripture Jesus is being affirmed by God.  "This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased."  I understood that, have always known that, have always desired this moment for myself.  But the Rector next pointed out that this affirmation came before Jesus did a thing.  This was not a "great job" affirmation for a job well done.  This is the type of affirmation we know so well.  We search it out from our parents, spouses, friends, bosses.  We work hard and we want to be appreciated, we want to be noticed and acknowledged.  The first question people often ask when meeting someone new is "What is your name?", the second is "What do you do?"  This question asks us to label ourselves, to put ourselves in a moniker that will allow the questioner to either accept or reject our being based on the tasks which demand the most time in our lives.
 
But is that who we are?  And if the questioner accepts that "what we do" is valid in their perception they are then allowed to affirm our life in their mind and ours.  But what weight does that affirmation really hold?
 
"This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased."  This affirmation is unconditional of tasks or perceptions of activity or worthiness of time spent doing.  This affirmation from the Creator to the Redeemer is unconditional and absolute Love.  "This Is", "Beloved", I AM well pleased".  Jesus is and therefore God is well pleased.  Thus begins Jesus life and ministry. 
 
It is the same for us if we dare believe it.  As we were knit in the womb lovingly created, God was well pleased with us, His beloved.  We did not have to do a thing, we just needed to Be.  We still do not have to "do" a thing, we just need to "be".  Be present, Be blessed, Be willing to be loved and to love in the same fashion.
 
What would it mean in your life if today, this moment you sat quietly, fully present in this specific moment and contemplated God's Love for you?  It could very well be beyond our reason and imagination this precious, all consuming, all powerful, all humble, all encompassing, unconditional love.  The power of this Love is transformative!  Be forewarned it will change you forever if you accept it and live into it.
 
I remember the moment I knew of this Love and grabbed it with my full heart and hands.  It was a pivotal and primitive moment.  I was bared to my very being.  I was baptized as a child, received as an adult, the outward physical sacraments of inward grace and spirit movement.  But the moment where I realized Love was real and for me, that the Holy Spirit which descended upon my Savior also lives and breathes moving amongst my day was private and sacramental between myself and God.  It was the moment I know I surrendered all that I have and all that I can be to God.  There is no going back, you can not be untransformed.  The invitation to be truly, all knowingly loved forever changed who I am and made the question "what do you do" so insignificant I rarely even offer an answer instead asking the questioner 'how do you choose to move through this world? 
 
My dear friend do you choose Love, a peace that transcends all understanding?

My Sabbath, My Procrastination

Hello my friends!  How I have missed writing to you - in fact I am finding it increasingly hard to concentrate today as I prepare for school because everything that I have been wanting to share with you is building up in me.  My fingers can't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts.  There is so much that I haven't a clue where to begin.

My workload is actually pretty light for my school day tomorrow.  I only have one more paper to write and I need to finish a book to do it.  The book is just kind of dense.  I am very interested in the topic - its just that I haven't had a chance to sit down and write in so long that my brain doesn't want to take in any more information.

Really - isn't that just a procrastinator's excuse?  There only about 14 more hours until my school day so I really can't procrastinate much longer. 

In my procrastination I have discovered West African and Arab music.  I have no idea what any of the lyrics mean, but the music itself is so wonderful.  And because I can't understand the lyrics I can just fall into the rhythm and read and write without my mind wandering.  Some of the music is so uplifting I want to just get up and dance, my feet start tapping and my typing gets faster.  What a gift.

And in my procrastination I read my scriptures for the day:

"‘To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand, who walks among the seven golden lampstands:

‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance. I know that you cannot tolerate evildoers; you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them to be false. I also know that you are enduring patiently and bearing up for the sake of my name, and that you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember then from what you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. Yet this is to your credit: you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. Let anyone who has an ear listen to what the Spirit is saying to the churches. To everyone who conquers, I will give permission to eat from the tree of life that is in the paradise of God."  Revelation 2:1-7

When I grow weary is it on account of the scripture that speaks to me today in my procrastination:  "that you have abandoned the love you had at first."?  Does the wear and tear of our daily life in this materialistic world break down our love affair with our Creator?  Do we get so entrenched in our own plans we forget His plan for us?  Do we get so involved with our thoughts, words and deeds that we lose sight of our greater calling and our Lord's thoughts and words and deeds which are so much higher than our own.  Does the face of the intangible sometimes seems so far away that we can't bear to touch our own faith for fear our fingers will pass right through?

Every one of us has to jump through hoops in this world.  If you want the job, the marriage, the raise, the education, the vacation, the dog, the family...there are hoops.  Our society says "if you do that, you get this" and if we want "this" we do "that".  But what does God say?  God says "I AM", "I AM here", "Here I AM"; "come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." 

No hoops, no this or that, just I AM and come to me.  Why do we humans make complicated what God gives us so simply?  I am reading the teachings of Buddha and the concept of Mindfulness, being present or what I would call finding rest in God.  From what I am reading thus far everything the Buddha teaches leads me straight to Christ.  Don't get me wrong I haven't read everything, I am only touching the surface, but I find Christ.  Before I procrastinate further I will leave my thoughts right there, but we will touch on this again because as a person who has been described as a "buddhapalian" I am very interested to see if this moniker fits me or not.  And I am most intrigued that the Buddha calls me to Rest with the Christ within me.  And I love that I have discovered the Soweto Gospel Choir who helps me to do just that!