Sister, Can You Spare The Time

A  dear friend called me this morning and left a message.  The very end of her message said "don't forget...in your spare time...". 

I will just keep moving as God redeems my time!

Cafeteria Theology

2nd grader boy, "Do you know what Infinity equals?"

Me, grasping at straws wondering if I have a sign on my head saying 'she stinks at math' answers "uhm, well uhm, uhm nothing?  Infinity doesn't end does it?"  I have learned to repeat the question in some manner when I have no clue what a 2nd grader is asking me.

2nd grader boy, "Well...", scratching his head wondering how to explain Infinity to me.  "Infinity doesn't end, your right, it goes on and on and on and on and on.  Infinity equals forever."  Smiling at me with pity that I must never have passed the 2nd grade.

2nd grader girl, "Human beings do not live into Infinity.  They die."

2nd grader boy, "Unless they go to Hell." 

My youngest son, also a 2nd grader boy, "Mommy, what is Hell?"

Okay, so let me stop here because I can hear the exclamation of "Lucy you have some 'splaining to do" playing in my head.  I am sure we have talked about Hell at some point in our house but my girls call it "the place down there" since they know Hell is a curse word.  So my youngest's only reference would be "the place down there."  However, I think it also speaks to my theology.  I don't stress on Hell, I don't even really stress on Heaven.  My focus is The Kingdom and how to surrender to Grace so that the Revelation of the Kingdom here and now on earth can be revealed in the Christ we meet in our midst.  That being said...

Me, "Some people believe that after you die you can go to a place called Hell."

2nd grader girl, "I don't want to go there!"

2nd grader boy, "Me either!"

Me, "Me either!"

My youngest son, "Me either!  uhm, Why?"

2nd grader boy, "It goes on forever and forever and forever and forever and it is not fun, it is so boring!"

2nd grader girl, "yeah, it is horrible, they make you do chores over and over and over and over again!"

My youngest son, "oh yuck, that is horrible!"

Me, "so how was that bus demonstration today...."

And that my friends is your typical? cafeteria conversation.  Some might say eating lunch in the school cafeteria with about 100+ students is a version of one of the circles of Hell.  Today, however, a light from Heaven shined as kids explored the Kingdom in their midst.  How easy it would have been to just answer my new little friend with "Infinity equals Eternity", but then what fun would that have been to shut the door to the ensuing revelation?

"I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child  will never enter it."  Mark 10:15

Hands of Mercy

"hands of mercy won't you cover me"

"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me"  Phillipians 4:13

Are you in a place of Strength through Christ right now? 

I have a lot of new readers lately, WELCOME!  Pull up a chair and your favorite beverage, hot tea for me on these chilly mornings ;-)  I would love to have you comment.  What is going on with you?  What would you like to talk about and explore together?  Have a scripture you want to share or talk about?  Feel lost?  Wondering where God is in all that is happening?  Have a favorite poem, song or quote you want to talk about?  Have questions that you want to bring up?

I get a lot of e-mails asking things, don't stop those from coming - but you can comment here too. Let's journey together through our adventures!

Mommy Business

Ahhh home!  I am home and so happy to be here.  When I travel I don't allow myself to miss my kids - until I get on the plane or in the car home.  Then the feeling of missing them washes over me in waves so strong I am afraid I will get pulled under - now you know why I don't allow myself the feeling until on my way home! 

The whole crew picked me up from the airport and we went out to dinner.  One other thing I have learned - make sure we  are going out to dinner when I get home.  The first few times I came home and the first question in the door to me was "what's for dinner?" I learned to just plan on eating out.  I don't want to cook when I walk in the door and I would like to share some of my trip instead of arguing about what to eat. 

After dinner we came home and I gave the kids their presents, hand made crosses made out of clay from the mountain I had been on.  I had prayed over them and had in my heart which one was for each child.  I laid them out on the table so they could each pick their own - and they picked the one I had thought.  I loved that they did as it made me feel connected to them by prayer even when we are not together. That makes me fall deeper into the arms of Jesus knowing that I can trust God with my children - no matter what, no matter where I go, no matter where they go, our prayers will connect us.

Then it was time for bathes and showers and prayers and bed.  I put on my Mommy voice and got the boys in the bathe and got down to work.  My 9yr old son said, "well you are back to Mommy business now".  I had to laugh. 

He was so right.  At the conference I was the Postulant for Holy Orders to the Vocational Diaconate from the Diocese of VA who serves at my sponsoring Church as Coordinator for Family Ministry and Domestic Outreach, serving the Homeless and those on the brink of financial crisis.  Less than a handful of people learned that I was a wife and mother. 

At home I am just Mommy. Mommy who prays a lot and talks about God a lot and goes to school.  But mostly I am just Mommy.  I kiss boo boos, cook dinner, find lost socks, fold laundry, check homework, make lunches, make people wash their hands and clean their rooms and put their napkin in their lap.  I am the one who insists on please and thank you, doesn't allow the words shut up, stupid, hate and fart in my vicinity and reminds people to brush their teeth and hair and bug them way too much about wearing a jacket, being on time and looking people in the eye when you speak to them.  I am the alarm clock in the morning and the prayer warrior at night, the one who cuddles when the nightmares happen and the one who wakes up to check fevers, clean up vomit and dole out hugs along with medicine.  I am the shuttle bus driver, the grocery shopper, the menu maker, the toilet cleaner, peacemaker and the time out queen.

I am the glue.  You don't always notice me or the work I am doing, but I am holding everything together.  That's my role.

It makes me think about all the roles we fulfill and when they are conjoined and when they are separate - or at least seem to be.  At school my classmates have never met my husband or children, they know me as Classmate, Fellow Traveler.  They know I am married and have kids, we share our stories together, but they haven't seen me, The Mommy.  I wonder what it will be like for them when they see the Mommy Me?  My sponsoring parish has what the Church calls "grown me up", they knew Mommy Me, Seeker Me, Lay Minister Me and now Deacon-In-Formation Me, I wonder which one speaks to them more, I wonder if I am yet combined into just Me?

I had a vision one night months ago - some might call it a dream, but I call it a vision - there is a distinct difference between the two.  I saw myself standing at the altar and my children walked towards me, my husband right behind them.  I can see what the kids are wearing, hear their footsteps, see their faces, smiling and solemn, I can feel my tears forming, trying to hold them in, knowing I will not succeed.  They are carrying my stole.  My oldest daughter puts it over my head and on my shoulder while my oldest son fixes it at my waist.  My other two kids holding my hands and not letting go.  My eyes meeting my husbands and I see the same look on his face as the day we got married, the same look that calms me at once and helps me to know that all is right with the world knowing our hearts beat together and that God has brought this moment to fruition.  This is my vision of my ordination.  It came out of the blue one night.  It was a gift of God. A vision of my roles intermingling and becoming one.

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

A hope and a future.  I made dinner tonight.  I loved walking in and seeing the table set, smelling the smells of home, smells of comfort and hope and future, all together, uplifting one another, gifting one another with Presence.  And the kids didn't even complain about the menu - they declared they were so happy to not be eating out of a box or through a drive thru ;-)  My hubby is awesome at holding down the fort while I am gone, but he just isn't Mommy.

Go

It is time for me to Go.  I awoke early this morning to make sure I can soak every last second of my trip.  This missions conference has fed me in ways that I know I am not even aware of yet.  Ministry work can be lonely and hard.  Yesterday one of our speakers and workshop facilitators Monica Vega said to us "do you feel lost?  GOOD!  That is mission work."  She said more but that struck me as freeing to my spirit.  I often feel lost; God am I doing what you desire me to do?  God where am I going to get the resources?  God who is going to join me?  God I think I have to speak out, grant me courage?  God I see your children and they hurt and I groan under the weight.  God keep me close to you so I can not get overwhelmed by the oppression of your creation and children.  I often feel that I am "supposed" to have answers for people or "know" something and it was freeing for Monica to say "No!"  All you need to do is "be" and be "lost" and rely on God for all and turn to the scriptures for guidance.

Deacons are the ones IN the Church to say GO to their brothers and sisters.  "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord."  It is in the dismissal that we are asking people to walk into this world with God by their side, proclaiming God's Word through thought, word and deed.  It is the Deacons who also must Go into this world to find the oppressed, the lonely, the forgotten, the needy, the poor and bring them the Good News that Christ walks with them.  We Go.

"Mission starts in the burning heart of God."  Rev. Susan Hope 

As we leave this conference may our hearts burn also with God's mission.

"The Church exists by mission as a fire exists by burning..."  Emil Brunner 

May we leave this conference sharing with our parish families the burning so that they might feel it, know it and live it.

I have been taught this weekend by many amazing people and I share with you:  Mission does not belong to the Church - the Church belongs to God's mission and We Go.  We are invited to Go - to come and see - the Divine is waiting for us to reveal itself to us.  Parishes need to be places of nourishment, but we can not stay in the parish!  Come to the table, be nourished by the bread and the wine and the Word of God and then GO!  Go into the world and join the Holy Spirit who has been waiting on you.

Go!

Goodnight and Amii-na

"Guide us waking, O Lord, and guard us sleeping; that awake we may watch with Christ,

and asleep we may rest in peace."

My final day at the conference has come to a close.  The time went so fast.  I am exhausted, I am exhilarated - depending on who you talk to both can be attributed to the elevation we are at.  I have learned so much, met so many amazing people.  I have been surrounded by Deacons, so many Deacons, so much ministry work, community building and organizing, so much Gospel Witness. 

I am uplifted, rested, recharged and enlightened.  I have been out of my comfort zone and in my happiest of places in deepest prayer.  I have laughed and cried, listened in awe, seen humility in action and witnessed relationship building.  "Networking" is not a word I embrace very often but here I witnessed networking in the purest sense - a sharing of story, of life, of vulnerability, of exchanging resources, of offers to help build sustainable and fruitful mission.

I have a notebook filled with ideas, questions, quotes and inevitably a new book list!  Today's session was outstanding, the speakers were just wonderful, I didn't want them to stop and the workshops were very informative and creative.  My sponsoring church has two global missions and I met someone from each of them!  Sat with one over dinner and in a workshop with another.  I even did some networking on behalf of my fellow DIFs at home ;-)  It was nice to be in the midst of the wider Church community.  We get so entrenched in our busyness, not seeing outside of our parish walls, our community gates, it is easy to forget there is a Church full of witnesses ready to invite you in, practice Radical Hospitality and join you in ministry. 

I didn't want to say Goodnight tonight, knowing for many it is already Goodbye.  I might have to leave half way through Holy Eucharist in the morning, makes me very sad.  Tomorrow it is going to be spoken and proclaimed in English and French and Vai, a language of Liberia.  I began this journey not knowing anyone and I leave with friendships built and mentors recognized.  I still have so much to process from what I have learned and I look forward to returning home and sharing what I have experienced and putting into action what I have been taught.

As I say goodnight I leave you with the Lord's prayer in Vai, for my brothers and sisters in Liberia who still await the results of their presidential election, hold them in prayer:

Mu Fa, mu beh a je ne

Moi ye ta nu

Ya maja-jaai na

Dun-ya lor, kee mu a beh a je ne

Mu kor tay mei moi lung fei lor

Amu ye haketo moi fien yama nu la

Ke mu moi haketo moi nu mu tar

Fein yama mu la

Ye ma tar mu lah fein yama bah

Ye mu kuma fer

Beh ma ya maja jaai beh

Ya gangan

Ya manja ja

Jor-for a mu jor-for

Amii-na

Savoring The Silence

The mountains are silent this morning and so am I.  I describe my household as organized chaos.  Children flowing in and out, friends coming and going, constant movement and voice.  It is never silent in my house - even in the darkest of night I have the dog snoring!

What I treasure whenever I have the opportunity to experience retreat or conferences is silence.  There is no tv anywhere on this campus, there are no radios.  And this morning even the breeze, the flowing river and the Elk are silent.  I treasure this time with God.  I sat for two hours yesterday in the most comfortable Adirondack Chair I have ever sat in and just stared at what I am calling my God mountain. 

All of us have an image of God, some of us have a few images.  My image of God is Light.  Awesome Light, colors that we have not defined in words, so bright I have to turn my eyes away and yet I keep looking again because I want to See.  In my image this Light comes from behind a mountain range, there are two peaks and in the middle of them the Light is streaming upwards and outwards.  There is much more to this image, there are paths and water and a garden - these are the places I meet Jesus.  Each place seems to have different meaning.

My God Mountain here has the peaks as I have imagined them.  Yesterday I just kept staring at them, wanting to memorize them.  I forgot my camera, just have my phone and I have tried, oh I have tried, to capture this mountain in a picture.  But it never looks the same on my phone as it does in my heart.  The camera version is so bland compared to the vision in front of me.  So I stopped trying to capture the vision and instead just sat in the presence.  In silence.  Grace extended, Grace received.

"Yes everything is for your sake, so that grace, as it extends to more and more people, may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.  So we do not lose heart.  Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day." 

Accidental Arrival

First, I have to share waking up this morning to the sunrise over the mountains, amazing!  I could just sit here for my 4 days and never tire of looking at this glorious creation.

Second, Morning Prayer was adapted from the Iona Community - which I will share always brings me to my knees and sheds my tears.  If you have never had the opportunity to experience a Celtic Prayer service or any worship from the Iona community - find one!  For me, there is something so elemental, so pure, so life giving about the prayers from Iona; they convict me and uplift me in one fell swoop.  They fill me with love for my Creator and demand a passionate response and witness from me.

Later today I will share one of the hymns we sang - it seems a perfect hymn for any congregation about to enter the community in mission and also perfect for an ordination service.

I am not that good at math - I think I have shared that before, I recheck my timing and calculations ad naseum.  I am also directionally challenged.  I recheck and recheck my directions a thousand times and still manage to get myself passing the turn I just needed to make.  I woke up this morning way too early - on VA time instead of CO time.  I was fretting about which workshops to take, there are so many and I want to attend them all.  So I got out my book of workshops and I prayed over it asking God to just tell me where I should go because I obviously couldn't figure it out on my own.  And then I repeated the Lord's Prayer until I fell asleep.  Interestingly my alarm clock did not go off - but I wake up on time!  Thank you God!

I starred the workshops I wanted to attend - reread descriptions, double starred the ones I thought I really should attend.  Heard an amazing plenary speaker and decided at the last minute to attend his workshop to delve deeper into what he was speaking about.  I find the lodge name and room name, even stop a facilitator to get directions.  I go to the appointed room, take a seat and the Facilitator of the Workshop says, "Welcome to ABCD 101" - oh seriously, I am in the wrong room!  This is not the workshop I had planned on attending.  What in the world - I can't get up and walk out, totally rude, but this is not one of the workshops I even starred.

Well go figure that being directionally challenged is a Gift from God and I was in the exact workshop God intended me to be in.  Just this morning we talked about how the Holy Spirit is always ahead of us and expect the unexpected.  Well Here I am Lord!  I learned all about Asset Based Community Development - instead of looking at the needs of the community and being a "service provider"  I was challenged to look at the gifts and assets of the community and Acknowledge, Affirm and Activate the gifts already abundantly surrounding me.  There is so much more to share - but know this to be true "Your gift is the key that unlocks the door to community."  If we want to grow our churches into the Kingdom of God on earth we need to stop just serving our brothers and sisters in need and we need to build relationship with them so that we might empower their God given gifts so that they might give and receive blessing!  Powerful!  And this is something I have already known, but didn't know how to practically apply in the ministry setting.

I could go on and on - but instead I am going to run to lunch ;-)  I don't want to be late for the next plenary session.  Hopefully I can find the dining hall and auditorium without too much trouble ;-)

"May Christ's warm welcome shine from our hearts And Christ's own peace prevail through this and every day, Till greater life shall call."  Amen.

Heleluyan (Alleluia)

What an amazing evening.

On my walk to Holy Eucharist I almost bumped into the Presiding Bishop and then I passed 3 Elk.  They were in the middle of all the people streaming in and just elegantly stood there waiting for the disruptive humans to get inside.  I have been told there is a bear also.  Apparently the bear wanted to escort someone from their car to their room last night, quite the reception!

The Eucharist was an amazing blend of faith traditions and languages.  The Holy Eucharist liturgy was based on the Anglican Episcopal Church in Japan.  The entrance hymn was Sekai no tomo to te o tsunagi (Here, O Lord, your servants gather).  The first lesson Isaiah 2:2-4 was read in Tagalog, a language of the Philippines.  We then responsively chanted Psalm 96 in a Native American Chant.  After the Epistle we sang the Heleluyan which is Muscogee (Creek) Indian for the Alleluia.  The Gospel was proclaimed in Spanish, the Intercessions were read in Mandarin and Portuguese and then confession was offered by the Bishop with the people asking for mercy and forgiveness on his behalf and then the congregation offering confession and receiving Absolution then we gave Shu no Heiwa (The Peace).

The Lord's Prayer we were invited to use any language of our choice.  To hear all those voices lifted up in prayer to God in so many different languages, yet all the same prayer.  Knowing that this prayer has been said from before the time of Jesus in so many languages and so many cultures.  What can you say except Heleluyan, Alleluia!

The breaking of the bread:
Celebrant:  When we break the bread,
People:  We partake of the Body of Christ
Celebrant:  We who are many are one body in Christ,
People:  For we all share in the one bread.

The Agnus Dei in Spanish - Cordero de Dios, a beautiful communion hymn song of Lau Tsu (These Three are the treasures, then a Brazilian Hymn Cantad al Senor (Cantai ao Senhor).  Two Deacons were serving and the dismissal:  Alleluia!  Let us go in peace to love and serve the Lord.  The People responding, In the name of Christ.  Alleluia!  Ending with Muchos Resplandores (Many are the light beams)

Then at dinner I just happened to sit down at a table and met the Director of one of the Young Adult Mission Corps and a few minutes later this very nice Deacon sat next to me and then a few minutes later this other very nice Deacon sat on the other side of me.  Can I just say "Thank you God!".  If that is not a Godincidence I do not know what one is.  They both happened to be from the same Diocese and they told me all about their process and the joys and the struggles and offered to pray for me.  And I still get 3 more days!!!!  I am trying to stay awake for Compline it is going to be an Ethiopian Orthodox Compline with a Cantor and chanting. 

Heleluyan, Alleluia

The Mountain

I arrived safely in Estes Park, Colorado, thanks be to God.  I am here to attend the Everyone, Everywhere 2011 Conference.  It is a conference of the Episcopal Church and our focus is 'on sharing, learning and recomitting to the missional work of our baptismal covenant.'

My room has a little porch, with a chair on it.  A perfect prayer chair looking up into the mountains.  I am having a moment of silence before opening Eucharist.  I was reading over the worship bulletin for our time together this afternoon and evening and must share:

"In days to come the mountain of the Lord's house shall be established as the highest of the mountains, and shall be raised above the hills; all the nations shall stream to it.  Many people shall come and say, 'Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; that he may teach us his ways and that we may walk in his paths.' For out of Zion shall go forth instruction, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem.  He shall judge between the nations, and shall arbitrate for many peoples; they shall beat their swords into ploughshares, and their spears into pruning-hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore."  Isaiah 2:2-4

I couldn't think of  a more perfect setting for a more wonderful reading.  And this afternoon it will be read in Tagalog, a language of the Philippines.  

There is so much opportunity this weekend and I want to share it all.  I plan to blog and I started a twitter account this morning.  I have never twittered before but can't think of a better time to dip my toes into that water.  More and more I am of the opinion what is the point of social media if not to share the Word of God.  And what better way to start than sharing my experience in learning about God's mission?

Stranger In My House

There are nights when I come home from the shelter and I feel as though I am in the wrong place.  I pull into my driveway as if going to a strangers home.  Open the front door as if I am housesitting.  Walk through the rooms on the main level calculating how many people could be sheltered for a night.  Envisioning cooking a family dinner for all, hearing the musical noise of laughter and conversation, hearing the heartbeat of prayer through thanksgiving and petition.  It seems eerily quiet.  I feel absurd and extravagant.  I want to get back in my car and drive back to the shelter.  I miss the ladies already, I miss their children.  I want to sit and talk about nothing and everything. 

The whole ride home tonight I thought about the things I didn't say.  I prayed before I walked into the shelter tonight, Lord give me the words you would have me say.  Either God didn't have much to say or I didn't listen well.  But it is my first night back at this particular shelter in awhile, all new faces, all new stories.  They don't know me yet, not sure if they want to know me, not sure who I am or what I might be to them.  It felt like coming home.  It felt real to sit and watch the news with some of them and every story was tied into the current economic situation.  Every woman in that room understands the reality of the economic situation much more than the person reading the script on tv.

Have you ever made the comment, "I feel like I live in my car!" or "Don't mind my messy car I have been living in it lately."  I have made that comment - especially on weeks where I truly am nothing more than a shuttle service or activity bus.  I make the comment in jest and absentminded.  I was reminded of that comment tonight as I walked into the shelter and I passed the cars of the guests.  I know homeless people who have cars and they store all their valuables in their car - they don't want them stolen in the shelter.  But I also know homeless people who live in their cars.  One car tonight told the story of a life.  She couldn't have crammed one more item in the car.  All her possessions in this world are in that car - her most precious possession and love recently had been sleeping in that car. 

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live in your vehicle?  Where do you park for the night?  Where is it safe from crime?  Where is it safe from the authorities who might arrest you for trespassing?  Do you really sleep or are you on high alert?  What about the bathroom?  Where do you clean up and get ready for your day?  In the heat how do you stay cool?  In the cold how do you stay warm?  What if you have kids?  Where do they do their homework?  How do you wash their clothes?  Can you keep any food?  I recently read a newspaper article about a family of 6 living in their minivan.  Where they lived there were no family shelters and they didn't want to be separated - not now, when they had lost everything, all they have is each other and they didn't want to lose that too.  I worked with a family last year who ended up homeless, living in their car.  You see when they became homeless they had a beloved pet cat - you can't bring your pet into the shelter.  To get a spot in the shelter they had to give their cat up for adoption.  They decided to keep their cat and live in their car, once a week if they could they would stay in a motel for the night so they could shower and wash clothes and sleep laying down.

How do you get mail?  Where do you keep your birth certificate safe?  How much gas do you need?  What do you do to pass the time?  How would you entertain your children?  What if you have a medical condition that requires electricity?

One of my daughters this weekend complained to me that she has the smallest room, no bigger than a closet she said.  She was quite distraught and trying to figure out how to get siblings to move around so she could exchange rooms.  I almost could not even partake of the conversation with her because all I could think about was the story of the little girl who glowed with pride over her new bedroom.  You see she had been living in her car and her mother was finally able to get into a 1 bedroom apartment.  This little girls' new bedroom was the closet in the one bedroom.  Her bed was a sleeping bag on the floor and she had two books and her baby doll placed proudly near her "bed".  She took pride in her "room" and in her mother for providing it for her.  Oh the painful dichotomy!  Where is the true Joy?  The child who has so much she doesn't realize what she has or the child who knows what little she has is so much more than she can ask or imagine?

It brings back the imagery of our hands - when our hands are full we can not grasp anything more, when are hands are empty they can be filled with abundance.  With full hands we still try to grasp and hold on and things fall out and we fall to our knees to try and grab the items.  When our hands are empty we realize how light and burden free we are and we are amazed how how much can be gathered into our arms and if we fall to our knees it is in Thanksgiving to the One who provides.

Tonight I am a stranger in my house, carrying with me in my heart each woman and child who finds safety in the shelter tonight.  I open my outstretched hands and offer up to the Lord my prayers for them knowing that God will answer my prayers as may be best for each woman and the family that she represents.  I pray in thanksgiving for this home that would fit many and I ask forgiveness for the fact that I only house my family tonight.  If you ever find yourself breaking the commandment do not covet your neighbors house, spend an evening at the shelter.  Your evening of service will open your eyes to the abundant life you live and you will praise God from whom all blessings flow!