The whole crew picked me up from the airport and we went out to dinner. One other thing I have learned - make sure we are going out to dinner when I get home. The first few times I came home and the first question in the door to me was "what's for dinner?" I learned to just plan on eating out. I don't want to cook when I walk in the door and I would like to share some of my trip instead of arguing about what to eat.
After dinner we came home and I gave the kids their presents, hand made crosses made out of clay from the mountain I had been on. I had prayed over them and had in my heart which one was for each child. I laid them out on the table so they could each pick their own - and they picked the one I had thought. I loved that they did as it made me feel connected to them by prayer even when we are not together. That makes me fall deeper into the arms of Jesus knowing that I can trust God with my children - no matter what, no matter where I go, no matter where they go, our prayers will connect us.
Then it was time for bathes and showers and prayers and bed. I put on my Mommy voice and got the boys in the bathe and got down to work. My 9yr old son said, "well you are back to Mommy business now". I had to laugh.
He was so right. At the conference I was the Postulant for Holy Orders to the Vocational Diaconate from the Diocese of VA who serves at my sponsoring Church as Coordinator for Family Ministry and Domestic Outreach, serving the Homeless and those on the brink of financial crisis. Less than a handful of people learned that I was a wife and mother.
At home I am just Mommy. Mommy who prays a lot and talks about God a lot and goes to school. But mostly I am just Mommy. I kiss boo boos, cook dinner, find lost socks, fold laundry, check homework, make lunches, make people wash their hands and clean their rooms and put their napkin in their lap. I am the one who insists on please and thank you, doesn't allow the words shut up, stupid, hate and fart in my vicinity and reminds people to brush their teeth and hair and bug them way too much about wearing a jacket, being on time and looking people in the eye when you speak to them. I am the alarm clock in the morning and the prayer warrior at night, the one who cuddles when the nightmares happen and the one who wakes up to check fevers, clean up vomit and dole out hugs along with medicine. I am the shuttle bus driver, the grocery shopper, the menu maker, the toilet cleaner, peacemaker and the time out queen.
I am the glue. You don't always notice me or the work I am doing, but I am holding everything together. That's my role.
It makes me think about all the roles we fulfill and when they are conjoined and when they are separate - or at least seem to be. At school my classmates have never met my husband or children, they know me as Classmate, Fellow Traveler. They know I am married and have kids, we share our stories together, but they haven't seen me, The Mommy. I wonder what it will be like for them when they see the Mommy Me? My sponsoring parish has what the Church calls "grown me up", they knew Mommy Me, Seeker Me, Lay Minister Me and now Deacon-In-Formation Me, I wonder which one speaks to them more, I wonder if I am yet combined into just Me?
I had a vision one night months ago - some might call it a dream, but I call it a vision - there is a distinct difference between the two. I saw myself standing at the altar and my children walked towards me, my husband right behind them. I can see what the kids are wearing, hear their footsteps, see their faces, smiling and solemn, I can feel my tears forming, trying to hold them in, knowing I will not succeed. They are carrying my stole. My oldest daughter puts it over my head and on my shoulder while my oldest son fixes it at my waist. My other two kids holding my hands and not letting go. My eyes meeting my husbands and I see the same look on his face as the day we got married, the same look that calms me at once and helps me to know that all is right with the world knowing our hearts beat together and that God has brought this moment to fruition. This is my vision of my ordination. It came out of the blue one night. It was a gift of God. A vision of my roles intermingling and becoming one.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
A hope and a future. I made dinner tonight. I loved walking in and seeing the table set, smelling the smells of home, smells of comfort and hope and future, all together, uplifting one another, gifting one another with Presence. And the kids didn't even complain about the menu - they declared they were so happy to not be eating out of a box or through a drive thru ;-) My hubby is awesome at holding down the fort while I am gone, but he just isn't Mommy.
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