Being Content

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:11-13 (New International Version)

As I cleaned off my kitchen table tonight for dinner (re: previous post kitchen table overload) I brought everything into my office and sat down in my comfy chair, looked out my wonderful window and just prayed.  God give me the vision to use what I have wisely instead of complaining.  I had walked through my dining room trying to figure out where I would put all the kids stuff - because currently our dining room is the "Homework/Study/Craft Room" so that the kids have everything they need in one place to do their homework.  I like the no excuse policy, I never want them to have a ready reason they can get out of homework. 

As I was sitting there I realized that yes, my desk could be bigger, but I also could clean the office and I wouldn't feel so claustrophobic.  I have been so busy I have been shoving everything in here and creating teetering piles.  I couldn't even see my "altar".  I set up a little table with candles and prayer pieces that people have given me.  As I was looking at my altar I remembered I was just given an icon - the one I have been wanting to add to my altar - I received it as a gift this week and hadn't placed it anywhere yet, I have been carrying it with me.  Well of course there is a little nail right above my candles on my little altar area - perfect for my icon of the trinity.

I started cleaning, getting all the "stuff" out of the way; recycle, shred, throw, file - and imagine my delight when I found a stack of journal entries and class presentation notes from my EFM days (Education for Ministry).  I was reading over them and just became overwhelmed with the presence of God.  How he has gently opened my eyes, how he has carried the Light in front of me just one step at a time.  How He challenges me to grow, to learn, to step out of my comfort zone and provides me peace, rest and sanctuary every step of the way.

To say I am content this evening as I gather my books to read in my comfy chair and listen to the pouring rain outside, like the breath of baptism floating over and through me, I am content.  Praise God from whom all Blessings flow!

PS check out this Morning Prayer video...

Kitchen Table Overload

I wouldn't say I am uber organized but I wouldn't say I was disorganized either. I have 4 kids to keep track of - their school schedules, library days, lunch money, homework, projects, sports schedules, after school programs, friends and social events, doctors, dentist...Then there is my husband's schedule which apparently I keep track of that too. Then you have my schedule which I seem to keep adding to instead of subtracting from. Not wise.

I have been using my kitchen table for study central. It's a great location, I can see the trees outside, get a nice breeze, have access to music and the family can find me whenever they need me. The problem is how much time I am spending setting up my environment and then breaking it down for each meal - AND my bookshelves, printer and filing system are in my office. Which calling it an office is rather generous. I just call it that because the realtor did. It is a room - again with wonderful windows overlooking trees, gets a nice breeze and all my "stuff" is in there. But here is the problem - my desk is really my husbands and uhm he got it in elementary school. It's a homework desk from 35 years ago. Match that with a kitchen chair - not all that comfortable after a few hours of work and add in some odds and ends tables to hold various "stuff" and you've got the idea.

What I really need is someone who can come in here and see all my stuff spread out in the kitchen and the office and my bedroom and make a good study and work space for me. I have my really super, duper comfy chair in my office - I LOVE it - and you know I really love it because the upholstery is ripped in more than one place but I can't bear to get rid of it. I use that for reading and the arms are big enough to hold notebooks so I can make notes. I have it set so I can look out the windows and watch the sun rise - actually the other wall might would be even better for my sunrise prayers. But what I really need is this someone to somehow find a desk or table that is the same size as my kitchen table and figure out how to fit it in my office. I would save so much time if I could just plop down at my desk and resume business instead of feeling like a commuter student/worker in my own home.

Top that with someone who enjoys filing and let's celebrate!

And that my friends is good procrastination as I have a workshop to co-teach tomorrow that I need to prep for, 2 bible studies to work on and oh yes did I mention DFI is next weekend and I have numerous books to read, articles to critique, papers to write, services to develop, reflections to organize...and I know I am leaving something out. I just would love one place where I could totally spread all my work, school and ministry stuff out that I didn't have to clean up in time for the dinner bell and then pull back out after the clean up crew (yes me) finishes up for the evening ;-)

If my dining room had a nice view of outside it would be perfect...hmmm can I give up the view and make it work? We never eat in the dining room - which I think is the purpose of having a dining room, we aren't very traditional in this home it seems.

Love Costs All We Are

Touched By An Angel by Maya Angelou

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

By Grace You Have Been Saved

Genesis 11:27 really begins the story of Abram, Sarai and Hagar. Abram is a descendant of Shem - who is a son of Noah and whose life was saved during the Flood of the world by being on the Ark.

Most of us - even if we never attended sunday school know about Abraham and his son Isaac. Usually if we know about Sarah it is because we learned of when she laughed at God when he was a visitor to Abraham.

"They said to him, "Where is your wife Sarah?" And he said, "There, in the tent." Then one said, "I will surely return to you in due season, and your wife Sarah shall have a son." And Sarah was listening at the tent entrance behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women." So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, "After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?" The Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, and say, "Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old? Is anything too wonderful for the Lord? At the set time I will return to you, in due season, and Sarah shall have a son." But Sarah denied saying, "I did not laugh"; for she was afraid. He said, "Oh yes, you did laugh." Genesis 18:9-15 (NRSV)

This is so reminiscent of last week studying Eve:

"Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent tricked me, and I ate." Genesis 3:13

There is SO much I want to unpack and talk about with Abram (Abraham), Sarai (Sarah) and Hagar - but here is where I have to sit for awhile. Here is where I have to ask myself - when have I sinned and then tried to either deny my sin or blame my sin on someone else? When have I done what I know is wrong in the sight of God and justified my actions through thought, word or deed? And even enlisted others to support me? Asking others to join in my justification. It reminds me of the saying "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

Unfortunately I can answer those questions. Look at Eve - she is just down right scared of the repercussions of her sin when God so blatantly asks her what she has done so she plays the blame game. Look at Sarah she is thinking - I am old, I am in menopause, my husband is old, I have accepted that I am barren and lived with that my entire life (please remember in Sarah's life - her very worth was determined by her ability to bear children, her thoughts and daily life were consumed with the fact that she was barren and I am sure she was constantly reminded of this fact by others). I am not surprised she laughed, how many times have we laughed when we thought something was out of this world and had no chance of happening? The interesting part is God has heard her - and she knows he has heard her - he is outside with the men - she is inside the tent, God tells her what she said and she automatically denies it. How many times have we been faced with our sin by someone who sees us do it and calls us on it and we knee jerk react with a "no I didn't do that, you saw that wrong, you heard that wrong, you didn't examine my intentions, you don't know the whole story."

What I find interesting is God does not let her off the hook. He replies "Oh yes, you did laugh." You can't fool God. You can fool the whole world anytime you really want to try, but you can NOT fool God. And there is no ambiguity He is very specific about what he is calling Sarah out on.

This week I studied Sarah on Monday and Hagar on Tuesday. There is so much more to talk about, I haven't even touched on Hagar yet - but God used these two bible studies to call me out. About 2-3 years ago I broke a relationship with someone and justified my actions by claiming I was providing this person Autonomy. Autonomy as I had been taught:

Autonomy

You are unique. God created you with specific gifts and talents. God entrusts you with the abundant blessing he pours into your life. God honors your personal freedom. The choices you make determine the shape of your life. God honors your personal freedom. So do we.

Now reading this you must wonder, how could I screw this up. It sounds great, right? But the way I was taught autonomy - or the way I perceived autonomy was being taught to me - it meant that to honor someone I had to leave them alone to do their own thing and not bother them, especially if their own thing didn't match up to my own thing or what I thought their own thing ought to be.

I had someone in my life who needed help and I ran to help. And when I say ran, I mean I didn't stop to pray to God and ask any questions. Not the question of "do I help?", "if yes, how do I help?" I just rushed in acting as though I was going to save this person; physically, emotionally and spiritually. They didn't like my help, in fact they got very angry and told me where I could go and I responded with "fine, I respect your autonomy, I am out of here." Everyone in my life knew both of us and sided with my response - so I felt justified. I really did have good intentions. I sincerely wanted to help them and I had no problem seeing what needed fixing and knew exactly how to do it. The problem is - I didn't ask the person's permission before I started fixing. I didn't treat this person with respect or dignity in regards to the decision making process. Instead of walking alongside this person on their journey and being a support person, I tried to drag them down the path I thought was perfect for them. I felt this person was in the mess they were because of poor decision making, I judged their choices. When they needed help I swooped in to show them the error of their ways and was going to make decisions for them until they "got it" on their own.

How presumptuous, how judgmental, how disrespectful and how sinful to God. I might have had "good" intentions but I did not have "God" intentions. Well of course the whole thing backfired - this is part of Sarah and Hagar's story too - I will have to do another whole blog. When you don't listen to God and seek His counsel and you just run on forward with your own plan - well I know what happens to me, my plans backfire. My good intentions became a broken relationship.

God gave me Sarah and Hagar and Eve this week to show me the error of my ways. To call me forth to surrender my pride and my ego. God walked next to me and said "Where are you?", "What is this that you have done?" and "Oh yes, you did." I will go deeper into Sarah and Hagar's stories in another blog about running away, doing your own thing and then calling out to God; about answered prayers and surrendering to what you can not understand - trusting in your faith.

What I know to be true is this - when God walked next to me and spoke to me this week He also demanded I step up my game and repent. I called this person with whom I had transgressed and I invited them out to lunch and in their grace they accepted. I was given the opportunity to say "I am sorry" without justifying my actions, without trying to redeem myself, just "I am sorry". And when they had heard that from me I asked "Please forgive me." I have admitted to you how hard this is for me, just ask my husband. This person has not changed their life choices and in loving them as Christ loves them I accept and acknowledge that and afford them the dignity and respect they deserve as a Child of God. I do not know that the two of us will ever have a real relationship. I am not sure if we can as our life choices are so different. But what I do know is this:

"But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great love with which he loved us even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved."

Ephesians 2: 4-6 (NRSV)

"For by grace you have been saved through faith,

and this is not your own doing;
it is the gift of God."

Ephesians 2:8 (NRSV)

Still Emerging

I am continuing my thoughts for the Episcopal Village Mission Event. I was so caught up in my last post about the excitement of the role of the diaconate in this movement that I really didn't pay proper attention to all of our roles.  And not to use this as an excuse but for background - my diocese has not had Ordained Deacons that are licensed to work for about 25 years.  I do not know every detail, but I do believe at this time we have 1 ordained deacon that is licensed to work in our diocese and I know of an ordained deacon who is licensed in another diocese but lives here and has access to living out her call in worship.  What this means to me and for me, is I don't know any deacons - I don't have a role model, a mentor.  I don't know what the Deacon will look like in our diocese.  I can dream.  I have personally only met three ordained deacons.  The Order of the Diaconate really kind of fell out of the Church for about 300 years...at least this is what I am reading about.  While this Order is ancient in a lot of ways it has been forgotten.  Every time I begin to awaken to Who I am and who I am called to be as a Deacon I get very excited ;-)  Forgive me if in my excitement I didn't finish the conversation, I do realize I got caught up.

I didn't talk about the laity at all - for non-church folk the laity are the people of the church. The Episcopal Church has a very strong laity, very strong leaders and very active in the whole life of the church. The laity does, well pretty much everything in the church and takes the church into their workplaces. There are people who feel called to be Lay Ministers in the church, some attend formal formation processes and I know quite a few who have gone to seminary and much of our laity says - hey I have a talent, a gift from God and I want to give my time to you in the church and share that gift to enhance, enrich and grow the Kingdom of God.

The laity has a profound statement to make on this movement because they are sitting in the pews and worshiping with their community. The laity is in a unique position of "hear"ing what is really going on in the pews. Where are people embracing worship and finding God? Where are people gathering in the parking lot feeling as though they just left a church and didn't worship. Where are the people? Period. Where are their neighbors and their friends? Where are the people they passed in the grocery buying coffee for church on their way into church? And quite frankly - what are they feeling about God? Have they always wondered what Centering Prayer was? Would they like to sing the psalms? Would they like to experience a candlelight Taize service? Would they like to have a traditional seder meal and worship together at table? Would they like to move around more in church and express worship in new ways? What do they want/need to enrich their relationship with God, how would they like to serve others so that they might experience serving Jesus and where in their "church" experience would they like to explore new ways of discovering the Holy Spirit?

And here is where I feel I downplayed the work of the priests in my earlier post - because of course priests and seminarians are leading this movement. Priests are our spiritual leaders, our visionaries, our missionaries. Priests can sit with the laity and discourse on what they are "hear"ing and experiencing in the life of the church. Priests can tap into the liturgy and ancient practices, the creeds and the prayers and expose them to their congregation, they can breathe life into the prayerbook and bring it alive for their flock. Priests can be facilitators and living examples of how scripture, the Word of God, deep tradition and ritual bring into your life radical transformation. If I didn't have priests proclaiming the Word of God to me, exposing to me the story behind the story and showing me how the Cross intersects every moment of my life now - I wouldn't be who I am or where I am. 

Together the laity and priests welcomed me, introduced me to a deeper relationship with God, taught me, guided me, inspired me and challenged me.  I am like the baby bird - they fed me, strengthened me and at some point kicked me out of the nest to fly and then began to fly with me and we journey onward. 

So my earlier post was my "aha" moment of discovering for myself the integral role that Deacons will play in this movement, as the bridge between the church and the community and understanding the very real needs of those who do not sit in our pews. But the truth is, we all have an integral role - Bishops, Priests, Deacons, Laity, those in the pew, those not in the pew, those who desire God and those who disregard God.

God is God. The Alpha and the Omega. The Great I AM. The Source, the Light, the Creator. The One True God, the Unknown God. And we are all God's children. It doesn't matter if we know the truth, recognize the truth or dismiss the truth - the Truth is the Truth, as it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever.

What I know for myself is this - the Truth set me free and in my freedom I pursue the Truth. I love because I am Loved. I create because I am Created. And how could I ever contain that within myself and not want to share it with everyone?

Finding God In Church

I just came back from the Episcopal Village Mission Event. A very interesting and wonderful way to spend 2 days. The presentation or purpose was to talk about Anglimergence - or how the Anglican Church can embrace the Emergent Movement happening in Christianity in our post-modern culture. In other words, how can the Episcopal Church embrace a culture of Seekers who don't believe they can find God in a church that has existed for hundreds of years? How can those of us who love the rich traditions and are inspired by centuries of beliefs, creeds, prayers and practices open up (or break open) our church doors (and our prayer books) and truly Welcome All.

I love the Episcopal Church precisely because it does proclaim All Are Welcome - and it is meant. But how do you extend welcome to people who have stepped into a church for the first time and people who do not want to step into church for the first time due to negative presupposition? How do you share the Eucharist with people who aren't at the table? How do you become the alive body of Christ, the living, breathing Church to an Emergent Generation - the Facebook generation of relationship? How do you do this and keep in tandem your creeds of belief and liturgical tradition?

First let me say this about the conference - for me personally I have been totally excited to go. I have been reading about the Emergent Church and Fresh Expressions for about 3-4 years and every time I have a chance to hear Diana Butler Bass, Phyllis Tickle or Brian MacLaren speak - I go. This was my first opportunity to hear Brian MacLaren and he was great.

Second - for me I had the blessing of running into priests who have radically changed my life and my relationship with God and I had the time to sit down with one of them in particular and thank her. I also had an opportunity to meet up with some fellow DIFs (Deacons-In-Formation) that I just met recently who are further in their journey than myself and it was great to assess this conference from a Deacon's point of view.

Third - from the DIF point of view (in my humble opinion) - this is exciting because this is part of the work of Deacons. This is who we are - this is our call. Go out into the community and find those who are on the margins and invite them to join into relationship with God. Go into the church and help in worship in a way that you educate the parish as to the needs of the community; ask them to pray for those in need and lead them out into the community to share their story and invite their new neighbors to be in relationship with God and a community of Believers. Now don't get me wrong - there is more to the call, the action of social justice is not to be forgotten - we need to mobilize and care for the needy, the marginalized, the weak. But not only do we need to feed the physically hungry, we also need to feed the spiritually hungry. There is bread and then there is The Bread of Life (the body of Christ, the bread of heaven).

What surprised me the most from the conference is that Deacons were not brought up once in the conversation. It was asked if there was a Deacon present to help with Eucharist - but there were no case studies, no evidence of any Diaconal movement in these pioneer and pilgrim missions. I have said to some friends I feel that if God had called me to the Priesthood I would have been a missionary but I have never felt called to be a missionary. I couldn't always make sense of that statement - I wonder if I can now. God has called me as a Deacon because I do have a heart for Mission - not just mission in the sense of Outreach, but also Mission in the sense of bringing the Word of God to those who have never heard it and those who haven't heard it in a way they can make God's story their story. God has called me as a Deacon because He has put in my heart the desire to set the table for All God's people and to help find those people so that the Church can invite them to the table. My church friends laugh at me because I love the Eucharist at Christmas and Easter - and I wish it was that way every Sunday. I wish we had lines out the door and Eucharist took more time than the sermon. I wish every 7 days the whole world stopped what they were "DOING" and became still and were just BEINGs who came to the Lord's Table and filled with His spirit. Of course then my wish becomes that they live their whole life in the Spirit and it carried into every moment of their day. Dream Big!

"In the name of Jesus Christ, you are to serve all people, particularly the poor, the weak, the sick , and the lonely." (BCP pg 543 Ordination: Deacon) Who are the poor in spirit that do not know their Creator, who are the weak in knowledge of their Redeemer, who are the sick at heart because they have a place to fill in their core that only the Holy Spirit can accomplish, who are the lonely in this world that want a community to accept their authentic selves - their selves without their titles, labels, coverings and worldly image - their true self that wants to embrace a way to love and worship their Lord and Savior?

The answer to that my friends is my call - to find my brothers and sisters who are lost or weary or lonely, who are scared, abused or victimized, who have toiled and are broken, who have sinned and feel forgotten, who have tried to fill their aching hearts with addictions and compulsions instead of their Creator that they seek, who have left institutional Church because they didn't feel welcomed or accepted, who have dismissed a relationship with God because they didn't find God in church. I have the blessing of sharing my life in the Spirit and inviting my neighbors to journey with me.

It seemed to me the presumption of this conference was that Priests must do this all alone. When do they have the time? How is a priest supposed to provide Worship, Pastoral Care, Education, Fellowship, provide programming, uplift and nourish leaders, attend to spiritual formation and shepherd a large congregation - AND then, breathe with me now - go out into the community and find all those who haven't come in the door and nourish them also.

To me I feel we are poised at a perfect opportunity to bring back into the life of the church the ancient ways of being with God, to bring back in the wandering people of God and to better express ourselves as the kingdom of God on earth. There are a lot of voices and distractions in this world, I want to be a part of the choir that is singing the praises of God. So many churches have already begun this work of exploring the Spirit and their work is exciting and fruitful and most important Spirit filled with Jesus the Christ at the center. The Church is not a building, the Church is you and me.

And just in case I make no sense at all - check out this video which highlights Fresh Expressions in the UK.

See you in church!

The Song of God

Parker Palmer wrote a book entitled "Let Your Life Speak", I love the title.

At bible study last evening we talked about:

Who Am I?  (this is one I have been working on - as you know)  One person suggested we think about the top 3 descriptive labels that pop into our mind when we consider the question Who Am I?  Immediately:  Child of God, Secondly:  Servant of Jesus, Thirdly:  Seeker.  Interesting.  It is as interesting to me the labels that popped into my head as much as the labels that did not.  I keep pondering the Hindu meditation "Show me your face before your parents were born."  Indeed Who Am I?  Two questions that kept me up last night:  Who would God say I am?  Who would others say I am?  What matters to me is not so much the actual answer - but do the answers align?

Next question:  Whose Are You?

My Answer:  God's.

Next question:  How do you define yourself as a Christian?  This time an answer does not come so quickly.  Sometimes I really feel as though the label "Christian" has been hijacked.  What Christian means in 2010 is not what it meant in Antioch in the first century. 

"And it was in Antioch that the disciples were first called "Christians".  Acts 11:26

Ask me how I define myself as a disciple and I can easily speak - ask me how I define myself as a Christian and I start to form a defense.  I don't want it to be that way.  I want to speak as a Christian as the desert fathers and mothers did, as people imbued with the Holy Spirit, knowing from where they came and where they were going and living that out as a Thanksgiving to God.  We are back to the topic of radical transformation.  I no longer care to live my life as if my Ego is all that I am.  I no longer care to live my life according to the labels the World would have me embrace. 

Casting Crowns wrote this great song:  Until The Whole World Hears and it sums up a lot of what I feel in words better than I can give you:

"Lord I want to feel your heart,

and see the world through your eyes,

I want to be your hands and feet, I want to live a life that leads"

"and I pray that they will see

more of you and less of me

Lord I want my life to be the song You sing."

"Lord I want to feel your heart" - To feel God's heart - am I strong enough?  Only through God's grace.  Imagine God's heart, Agape - divine love.  We are created out of divine love and then corrupted by the broken world.  Imagine the compassion of the Divine for the Broken.  "It was  very good" (Genesis 1:31) was expelled from God's presence.  Only through God's grace can we find our way back.

"See the world through your eyes" - Seeing with God's eyes demands you wake up!  I can't sleep walk and daydream through this life and pretend to be unaware of the pain and suffering inflicted upon Creation by humankind.  I am not God so I can not judge humankind, but seeing the World through God's eyes I can see more of the story, that behind the anger and the hurt and destruction is the broken and weary.

"I want to be your hands and feet" - Jesus is no longer physcially with us.  His body had to be broken so that I might live.  It was my own hands that broke him, my own feet that walked with him to the cross.  He gave His life for me so that I might have life.  The only loving response I can imagine is to surrender my life to him.  I do not just want my hands and feet to be "busy" for God, "doing" for God.  I want my hands and feet to be "being" for God.

"I want to live a life that leads" - I want to bring everyone with me.  I want all of God's children to know and love God and to "go in peace to love and serve the Lord" (BCP pg 366)  in their daily life.  "Send them into the world in witness to your love.  Bring them to the fullness of your peace and glory."  (BCP 306 Holy Baptism)

"I pray they will see more of you and less of me" - this is part of my morning prayers.  I begin with Thank You and I end with let them see more of you and less of me.  For truly the more of the great I AM that is seen in my life the more "truth"fully I am seen.

"Lord I want my life to be the song you sing" -

"Then God said, "Let us make humankind in our image,

according to our likeness." 

 Genesis 1:26

and

"God blessed them"

Genesis 1:28

then

"God saw everything that he had made,

and indeed, it was very good."

Genesis 1:31

Creation by the Word of God - the Song of God.

Who Are You?  Whose Are You?  How do you define yourself and what does the song of your life sound like?

"Creating God, in you everything on earth and in the heavens

 is bound together in perfect harmony." 

(excerpt from The Web of Life adapted from the preamble of the Earth Charter a document of the ICCRE)

Dearly Beloved

Fourteen years ago today my husband and I were married. Fourteen years! It amazes me to think of the years we have shared together, 4 dating and now 14 married. I have spent half my life with my partner.

"A man shall leave his father and his mother,

and be joined to his wife;

and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24

Both of us were scared to get married. Both of us are children of divorce. Both of us were independent and stubborn. Both of us knew how we wanted life to be and how to get there and "our" way was the right way. Both of us now realize we knew nothing when we got married about what being married meant! What we knew was that neither one of us wanted to get divorced. We lived it as children and we didn't want to re-live it as adults.

Marriage isn't always a lovey dovey honeymoon. There are hard days, hard nights and even hard years. Luckily when I was going through a hard time I had a mentor. She is about 20 years older than me and we met in bible study. She and her husband were like two teenagers and totally in love. The joy they exuded being around each other was contagious and you just wanted to be around them and soak it in. One day she took me out to lunch to give me a break from home, I think I had 2 kids at the time under age 5 and I might have been pregnant with #3. I was still transitioning from working full-time to staying at home (that transition mentally took me a long time - another blog) and my husband was having a hard time with the transition too. It was just not fun in our house. We were sleep deprived, lost trying to figure out our new roles, poor, my husband had a lot of pressure being the sole financial provider and I had a really hard ego time being financially reliant on someone other than myself. We were snapping at each other, both very defensive and ready to pounce on the other one for the slightest transgression.

Back to lunch - my friend took me out to lunch - she talked about her marriage and the ups and downs and the realities of being a whole person and cleaving to another whole person and how that meshing takes years and prayers. And she said she and her husband almost got divorced at one point. While considering separation they sat down one evening and re-read their wedding vows to one another. "until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow." They looked at each other and decided that there was nothing in their relationship - no argument, no fight, no disagreement, no power struggle - that they were willing to die for, to break their vow to God for. She said from that moment forward conflict never became personal attack and never escalated to a point where someone felt they had to walk away from the marriage or back down as though bullied. The control was handed over to God, Christ became their center, they decided to love each other as Christ loved them - whether they deserved it or not.

"Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge.

Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God." Ruth 1:16

I drove home from that lunch knowing it was a pivotal point in my marriage. I would either embrace the knowledge she gave me or I would reject it. Suddenly, I was overpowered with grief over the way I had been treating my husband and our marriage. The pettiness I had brought into our relationship over the silliest and minutest details. I stopped my car halfway home and had a good long cry and asked God to forgive me for my selfishness and pride and to open my husband's heart to me so that he might forgive me.

I am not one to easily say "I am sorry", I am sure my husband could count on 1 hand the times I have actually said it. Saying "please forgive me" is even harder. But over the next few months what is hard for me to say in words I said through my life and my actions. I became a different wife, a different partner. I came to love my husband in a new way and honor my marriage through the heart of Jesus.

Today I am more in love with my husband than is earthly possible. There aren't even words to describe the way I love him. He is me and I am him and We are in God and God is within us and it is good. I have no idea how my radical transformation has been for him. He tells me when he can and sometimes he uses words. I wonder how I would have reacted if he had come to me and said he was going to quit his job and become a missionary - I liken it to the same thing as what I have come to him and said. Every step of the way he has said "of course", "do what God is calling you to do", "you are where you are supposed to be", "you can do this" and "I love you". He is my strength when I am weak, he holds the lantern up so that I can take my next step forward. He is a voice in the wilderness, he is a witness in the cloud and quite frankly he is a saint for putting up with me!

He is my dearly beloved.

"Will you have this man to be your husband; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?" BCP page 424

I will.

On this, the anniversary of our vows, I thank you God for the blessing of my husband.

PS - my husband read this and would like to refute the comment that he is stubborn - he stubbornly reminded me that he is not stubborn ;-)

Monday Monday

It's a monday. My husband does not like mondays, they are pretty hectic work days for him. But for me, I love mondays. Today I am leading Morning Prayer and one of the scriptures is from Esther. Love Esther, she gives a whole new meaning to courage. Then bible study and today we are studying Eve, hmmm. Now Eve intrigues me, Mother of us All. What truly intrigues me is the fact that there are two creation stories and the focus of our bible study today is on the 2nd story where Eve is created for Adam - at least that is the way the bible study book is interpreting it. I prefer the 1st story "Then God said, "Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness"..."So God created humankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."

Love that scripture, could read that all day long. I think I will sit with that scripture today and just let it settle around and within me. See where it takes me. Also, I can't find a book that I love - it is by Madeline L'Engle - she writes an inspired fiction peace on Eve bearing the first child, in pangs of labor. I wonder what it was like to be the only Woman on Earth and first find yourself growing large with pregnancy and then having the baby all by yourself. I wonder if God whispered in her heart to explain all the changes her body was going through and ease her fear when childbirth came. I remember childbirth - very clearly - and I was surrounded by women who knew what was happening to me and coaching me through, plus I had read every book there was and faithfully attended my childbirth classes - probably had too much information. I was still scared and only got through it by surrendering the whole process to God. And God gave me 4 lovely little miracles to share my life with.

Miracle #3 has his follow up doctor appt. today. The neurologist said that it is a 90% chance he has an inherited genetic nervous tic and only 10% chance seizures are happening. I am hanging on to those statistics all day today. We had to sleep deprive him last night to get ready for his EEG today. I think the sleep deprivation was harder on me than him. Now he wants to stay up late every night!

I will keep Eve and Esther in my heart today as I pray for my son. Their courage will inspire me and I can lean on their stories as we experience our own.

Walk For Shelter - part 2

Beautiful day, wonderful turnout.

268 people came out to raise awarness for the growing homeless population in our county. Now to get my apartment building! ;-) Sometimes people just need to know they have a friend, sometimes they just need some cash to get gas so they can get to work, sometimes they need a hand up out of their despair. We can share in our abundance - if you have clothes on your back and dinner on your table, you have abundance. Let's keep walking!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You're on your own, and you know what you know.

And you are the one who'll decide where you'll go.

Oh the places you'll go.

--Dr. Seuss



Walk For Shelter

Today I am participating in a local Walk For Shelter to benefit the local homeless shelter organization which I volunteer with.  I am looking forward to the walk and am praying that whomever God wants to participate is there.  I pray this is an opportunity to raise awareness for the invisible epidemic in our community - homelessness.

I live in one of the richest counties in the US - according to some surveys and magazine articles.  While I understand this to be true I also know this means there is an ever deepening gap of disparity between those who have abundantly and those who have nothing.  And I mean nothing.  I work with men and women who are homeless.  I sit down with the very people who are living in their cars, living in tents, renting extended stay hotel rooms when they can get some money together, living in shelters when there is room for them, living less than one paycheck from being evicted, living in the throes of foreclosure and having no utilities for the past 6 months.

The face of homelessness has changed.  The face of homelessness is children, it is families.  I was watching the news the last 2 evenings, 41% of Americans are living at or below the national poverty level - which is UNDER $22,000 for a family of four per year.  And the statistic is believed to be higher because there are many areas in our country where the cost of living is higher than this amount of money can support.  Honestly when I heard this I thought where are these people living on $22,000/year for a family of 4?  In my county you couldn't even rent an apartment for that for a year.  Much less turn on the lights, have a phone for emergencies, provide food and clothing and transportation needs.  Let's not even talk about school supplies, medications for illness.

In a local paper about a week ago there was an editorial note written by someone who was bemoaning the fact that they could not walk down a certain street in one of our downtown areas without having to pass by day laborers on the sidewalk.  When I read that all I could think about was the fact that the writer could be a person who hires day laborers without even knowing it and instead of bemoaning the fact that they are hoping for a days work so they can hopefully provide for their family, she bemoans she has to share the sidewalk with them.

A majority of the homeless I work with have jobs.  You try working for minimum wage and supporting yourself - much less a family.  Many of them are degreed professionals who have recently lost their job and haven't been able to find a new one.  Every person I have met wants to work and is actively searching and trying to work. 

I think what has happened is we have labeled homeless people as "HOMELESS" people - instead of labeling them "PEOPLE" who find themselves homeless.  Ponder that.  If we think about and talk about a label for a group, it is much easier to walk away, not participate in actively loving our neighbor as ourselves and looking the other way and in the deepest part of our hearts praying it will never be us or in the shallowest part of our hearts "knowing" that will never happen to us, we wouldn't let that happen.  But what if every homeless person has a story?  What if every homeless person was once a small child with a dream?  What if every homeless person was just you and just me, the only difference being shelter for tonight?

I have met women with children who were married for more than 15 years.  They made life choices with their husbands to stay at home with the kids.  They live in a nice house that they are renting because they haven't decided which neighborhood they want to settle into as they are new to the area for about a year.  One day their husband comes home and says "I have been meaning to tell you - I don't love you, I am not sure I ever have, I met someone else, I do love her.  I am leaving you, tonight.  I am living with her.  By the way she doesn't like kids and well you do fine with our kids, so they can't come and live with me, nor can they visit.  I will stop by when I can to see them.  Oh and she and I want to spend more time together, we are going to travel a bit.  I am quitting my job, so I can no longer provide financially for you or the kids.  Bye."  Can you say shock and devastation.  But imagine then being this woman and receiving a certified letter from the bank informing her of eviction because her landlord to whom she has been paying rent every month - has not been paying the mortgage on the house and it is being foreclosed.  Can you imagine?

Maybe I should start a blog series just on the real face of homelessness, because this is only one story.  Over 600 people were turned away from shelter last year alone, in my county alone.  Those are 600 more stories to share.  There are soldiers coming home from Iraq and Afghanistan, there are families who are intact but find out there are no operational family shelters and so they must separate to be allowed in the shelters, there are those who find employment but can't get back to the shelter in time for lock-up at night and so can't come into the shelter or have to quit their job to be allowed in the shelter.  There are those who are suffering life threatening illnesses who can't get adequate medication or the proper food to sustain their health.  And did you know that around 50% of the children who age out of foster care (meaning they have not been adopted by age 18 and the state cuts off any support at age 18) end up homeless?

I dream of an apartment building.  I pray to God for an apartment building.  It needs to be in the heart of things - walking distance to jobs, walking distance to grocery stores, walking distance to bus transportation.  I would have a computer center, a job skills center, a bank and financial planner, a daycare, a small free clinic, an open kitchen and dining room for communal meals, a chapel, education rooms for ESL classes and life-skills and parenting classes.  I would have AA, NA and Al-anon meeting rooms.  I would have a set of apartments for homeless: singles, family, elderly.  I would have transitional apartments for those who are ready to move into their own place but still need some time to establish their address, their credit, to sustain the good work they have begun rebuilding their life.  I would then have graduate apartments that are affordable as people build up a savings account and work towards renting or buying their own home.  I keep praying.  It is a big prayer, it is overwhelming and exciting to think of the answered prayer.

I have met people who are homeless who only meet me because they are finally ready to ask for help.  I have found that is the hardest part for many people.  Asking for help.  Some people try to keep up appearances of being "just fine".  The man who doesn't tell his wife he lost his job until the sheriff shows up at the door with the eviction notice.  The woman who doesn't tell her kids her hours were cut back and she lost her benefits because she is no longer full-time until they are so sick and they want to go to the doctor and she can't take them.

I could go on and on.  I am just beginning to shed light on why I am so passionate and I am beginning to understand why God is calling me to minister with my homeless friends.  They are me and I am them.  We are the same.  From dust we came and to dust we shall return and in the journey of this life we should all be afforded an opportunity for a decent wage for decent work, shelter to keep us safe, food to sustain our bodies, access to health care when needed, access to education, dignity and respect and opportunity to worship God, coming to Him as we are, where we are so that He might love us.  We all deserve to be seen.  No one deserves to be the invisible among us.

"I have written your name on my hand."  Isaiah 49:16

My Sabbath - My Son

It is Friday again.  It is my Sabbath again.

It is gorgeous out.  A nice breeze, cool air, beautiful skies.  A day made for being outside and enjoying.  A drive to the nearby Abbey would be nice.  Dropping a blanket on the grass and reading scripture or some of my books for class, especially the social ministry books.

Instead today I am taking my oldest son (8 yrs next week) to the neurologist.  My son developed a facial tic over a year and a half ago.  It began as a blinking of the eyes.  Sometimes after the blinking he would stare into space and seem to be in his own world.  Not so unusual for him.  Sometimes that happens for him, he finds his own place to be in the midst of all the noise around him.  Through the course of the school year he seemed to do fine.  This summer the blinking increased to a full squeezing of his facial muscles from his eyes down to his mouth.  The doctor had said to observe him and if the tic did not go away and increased we should come back.  We went back and our doctor has advised going to see a pediatric neurologist. 

The first thing they thought this could develop into was turrets - but his tic seems to increase just in one place, not an adding of another physical or verbal tic.  So they have pretty much ruled that out.  The second worry is that he is having minor seizures.  Which might explain the onset of headaches he is having. 

He is not scared - he was so brave at the last appt. when they had to draw blood.  His courage is a wonderful example to me.  He is angry that he has to go to the doctor today and miss part of school, especially a friday at school.  I love that he hates to miss school, what a testimony to his teacher.

I opened my prayer book this morning, wanting to say an extra prayer for him and his doctors.  I opened up to a bookmarked spot for collects that I use for Morning Prayer.  The page that is bookmarked has the collect "For The Sick" and the bookmark - it is my son's picture!  One of my daughters had a school project to make a collage and she wanted pictures of each family member so we had printed a bunch of pictures and I had cut out a picture of my son, she didn't need this particular one and I used it as a bookmark in my prayerbook. 

Of course God would already know my prayers for my son.  Of course He would lead me straight to the prayer I needed this morning as I get ready to go:

"Heavenly Father, giver of life and health:  Comfort and relieve your sick servant, and give your power of healing to those who minister to their needs, that my son for whom my prayers are offered may be strengthened in his weakness and have confidence in your loving care; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.  Amen."

Amen.

Ember Day Letter

I just wrote my first Ember Day Letter.  Once accepted as a Postulant for Holy Orders you are provided the opportunity to write your Bishop 4x a year.  We are supposed to discuss our personal, spiritual and academic lives and the changes/transformations we are experiencing.  There is a whole history behind what an Ember Day letter is, why it is called that and the dates they are due.  What matters to me today is that mine was due, I wrote it and I sent it in, phew!

My first official meeting with my Bishop I was so nervous - and this is strange because I have met the Bishop before.  However, I was nervous.  I dry cleaned my suit (note I have been a SAHM for 9 years - my normal attire consists of sweatpants or yoga pants and t-shirts and my fave flip flops).  I was so pleased with myself as I got myself together, got my kids all squared away and got in the car and on the road on time.  Traffic was light and I was hopeful it would stay that way.  It is normally a 2.5 hour drive for me, however traffic can turn it into a 4-5 hour nightmare if you reach parking lot status on the highway.  Next prayer was not to get lost (re: previous post on my map handling skills). 

About an hour into my drive all of a sudden I looked to the passenger seat - hmmm no suit jacket, quick peek to the backseat...no suit jacket, serious swivel of the head, OMG I forgot my suit jacket!  Panic set in and I began to seriously sweat - no more calmness.  I had left half of my suit at home - didn't wear the jacket to get in the car because I did not want to wrinkle it, was going to hang it in the backseat until I got there!  For about 5 miles I debated turning around and going home to get it.  I had two choices: be a few minutes early and no suit jacket or risk being late, sweaty and stressed in my suit jacket.

I chose to keep driving and bear the humiliation of wearing half a suit.  I was so embarrassed.  I have no idea if the Bishop noticed but I am still in the formation process.

Next time I see the Bishop, I have no idea I am seeing the Bishop.  I am on retreat - this time I am stuck in the 2.5 hour drive traffic that makes it a 4 hour drive and the 1.5 hours I hope to have to relax before the retreat started is non-existent.  Add this to the fact that my mapquest directions give me an exit marker that is wrong and I take the wrong exit and have to figure out where I am - lucky for me I did, unfortunately it stressed me out and once again I am sweating.  No suit jacket to worry about, all I bring are my normal sweats and yoga pants - I am on retreat right?  Time for comfy because I am getting down to the serious business of spirituality.  I walk into the room and 10 minutes later the Bishop walks in.  *sigh*  "whoops I did it again" is running through my head!

Hopefully my first attempt at my Ember Day letter is better than my track record with knowing what to wear and keeping the whole outfit together.  I was very nervous hitting the send button.  But I have let that go and leave it all in God's hands now.  All I can really do is share who I am and what I am doing and hope that who I am is enough.  And I am seriously considering purchasing 2 Albs - one to keep in the car so that the suit jacket incidence doesn't repeat itself.

Beloved- Tenth Avenue North

God is so good - shortly after I wrote my last post - not saying anything I thought I was sitting down to say - a friend shared this song with me. There is no coincidence, only Godincidence! Enjoy...

Feast of the Holy Cross day

"Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death—even death on a cross." Phillipians 2:5-8

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." Teilhard de Chardin

We try to do a scripture meditation with the kids everyday. We got out of the practice for awhile but want to bring it back. We either do it at dinner or at breakfast. There was a lot of bickering happening at breakfast so I decided to break in with the devotion for the day. For me, stopping them, making them sit down, be silent for a moment and then having prayer - well it works better than counting to 10 or sending them to their rooms. This morning the devotion was on making choices, good or bad. If you make a bad choice tell God you are sorry and God will forgive you and will always love you, no matter the choice. My almost 8 year old son said "I don't believe that, God can't be with you when you are bad." My other son broke in with "well He always loves me!".

See how kids can open up the dialogue! At our essence who are we? And how can we be in relationship with God our Creator, Jesus our Redeemer and empty ourselves so that the Holy Spirit can work through us? God is Love and God can not be anything but Love and cannot abide where there is no love. Interesting. It reminds me of a magnet. God is one magnet we are another - do we gather God within us or do we repel him away. The choice is ours. We have the freedom to be self-righteous or God bearers. A lot of people think Christianity is for the simple-minded, the weak-willed. Is it? Have those same people really seen the Cross? In my opinion self-righteous is easy. In this world living an ego-driven life is easy, and this world is so good at distracting us from who we really are that it can be even easier. So what if living for Self makes you sad, lonely or depressed, anxious, fearful or bitter - take a pill, take a drug, take a drink, take a stab at someone else by gossiping or ridiculing or even bullying, be judgmental to build yourself up, be aggressive to tear them down. Really it is easy, it is even simple. I have met people who live with their master Bitter and Anger, who expect nothing more from themselves than human emotion.

But I would want to ask them if they ever considered they are not their emotions, they are not their labels, they are not their possessions. I wonder if they ever considered they are spiritual beings created by the thought and Word of the Creator of all. And the Creator is Love, constantly searching out for Love, healing the broken, spreading the Light ever farther to break the darkness.

What I say to my son is this: You can not be in right relationship with God when you make sinful choices, you can not even be in right relationship with your own soul. However, God always Loves you, always. And God is waiting for you to choose to make the wrong choice right and hopeful that you will make better choices as you move forward. Love is never the issue. You are wonderfully created by Love. But you have to be willing to empty yourself, to receive Love and then to be Love.

Can you empty yourself? Can you be the vessel? Do you want to? "For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son." For God so loved YOU he gave his self up to become you so that he might die for you so that he might save you! The question is not does God love you but rather do you want to be loved? Because accepting God's love changes who you are and you can never go back. Once you know this Love you can't forget it, even if you try to walk away from it and pretend you didn't or can't have it. Love created you to Love and always desires a relationship.

First Day of School - Me!

I survived my first day of DFI!! And it was amazing~simply amazing!

My first exercise of the day was to not get lost ;-) I should let you know early on I am directionally challenged and a serious mess with a map. I am going to ask for a GPS for my bday because I can get lost in my own neighborhood. But it doesn't help that I live in a state where the same road can change names 3-4 times AND what in the world is a Turnabout - I drove through 3 yesterday and that was just the weirdest thing - but I didn't take the wrong road off the turnabout so all is well. I have to tell you the best part about the drive. I was going south a majority of the way and I had the mountains on my right hand side and the sun rising up out of the valley onto the mountains. At one point I looked out and there were two church steeples just standing out against the mountains in this fantastic wave of blazing sun, you know when the sunrise is like fingers reaching out to grab the earth? Glorious. If there had been 3 steeples I would have had to stop and take a picture, gotta love the trinity.

I was the first one there, no surprise as I gave myself an extra 45 minutes in case I got lost. It was great though because there was a farmers market right next to the church where my classes are being held and there were some really neat farmers, bakers and artists to mill around and talk to. And I discovered a quaint, very bookish coffeeshop with two really neat women opening up. It was so fun to talk to them and watch them cook and they had some great teas to choose from. I have a feeling this will be my favorite little place to catch my breath after my drive and just get centered before classes start.

We all met in the sanctuary for Morning Prayer. It was so neat to be there with everyone, there are 19 of us in the formation process. It was great to be in a room full of people who are sharing the same journey with you. It is almost as if a new language starts to form immediately. I am sure it is that way with any schooling or profession, my husband uses acronyms like they are air and I listen to people debating their college teams knowing mascots and players like they were their kids favorite toys.

Morning Prayer is a great way to start the day. I love Morning Prayer and I am so blessed to help lead it at my sending church 2x a week - if you have never tried it, you should. Then we had a few business items to discuss and then class! My first class was on the Book of Common Prayer - which I could write ad naseum about my love of the Book of Common Prayer. Next class was History of Anglican Spirituality and Theology. Awesome stuff - it never ceases to amaze me that a lot of what is considered "new age" is really ancient. We did a lot on contemplative prayer; centering prayer and lectio divina, which are two of my favorite ways to pray - add in gospel contemplation and let's have a retreat! Then we did another class on the BCP - this time being instructed on how to lead morning and evening prayer. Then we did a class on the History and Theology of the Diaconate. This was my favorite of the day just because I want to inhale everything about "what is a Deacon?" Everytime I am given a new book to read, a new website to visit or a new scripture to read and take in about the deaconate I feel myself understanding who I am more and more.

"I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church at Cenchreae, so that you may welcome her in the Lord as is fitting for the saints, and help her in whatever she may require from you, for she has been a benefactor of many and of myself as well."

Romans 16:1-2

The connection I am making right now is that I am to serve my God by serving within my church, leading people to prayer and then challenging them to act on their prayer, to join me out in the world. It is a good and joyful thing to pray for the hungry, it is a necessary thing to then feed them. I am the bridge between the church and the community, it is my responsibility to know the needs of the community, to live in communion with the community and then go inform the Church of who the community is and how they need us to serve them, minister to them and with them. I need to keep doing what I am doing and pray for Christ to be in the midst of all I do and all I am.

I can't wait for my next class - in the meantime I get to place a massive order on amazon and start inhaling books. I have the best life!

My Sabbath Friday

Fridays are my sabbath days.  This was very hard in the summer but now that the kids are back in school  I can get back to a true Sabbath on Fridays.  Now I should probably explain that I celebrate a sabbath on Sundays also - but I am working.  While I am blessed that my work is about God and for God, it is still work.  I know many clergy who take Monday as their Sabbath, some even who intentionally leave town after that last Youth Group sunday night so they can truly disconnect and just focus on God.  If you do not fill your lamp with oil, how can your light shine?  This is all a topic for another post - I really want to talk about something else...I just wanted to preface why on fridays I do no work and I am getting back to that commitment to myself - no e-mail, no mtgs, no ministry work, no church work.

My sabbath today my focus is God and my husband (today is his RDO - Regular Day Off, so we can Sabbath together).  I haven't spent much time introducing you, even on his birthday - I was so engrossed in my kids going to school and the transition of our lives that his birthday was not properly celebrated.  I don't know where to start to explain how extraordinary he is.  Talk about radical transformation - the 18yr old girl he met is not the woman he is married to 18 years later.  I work with many homeless women and many who are on the verge of homelessness.  A lot of them are single mothers who are struggling to make ends meet with no extra time to increase their education or earning potential.  I always drive home knowing "but by the Grace of God go I."  I could have been in their situation so easily; for many of them it was just a wrong-choice guy that were part of their journey.  When my husband met me I was a broken child living an adults life.  I was on my own and had been before I even graduated high school.  None of my teenage years are anything I want my kids to repeat or live through.  There are many stories I will probably share at another time.  All I need to say here is I never should have met my husband.  In fact when I did meet my husband for the first time we were attending a  tech school.  He sat next to me in class and we got to know each other during breaks - and then we went on dates with other people because we were just friends.  He thought I was cute, but way too young and I didn't actually think of him as someone I would date, not my type.

Then one day I was talking to my roommate and I was telling her all about this guy in my class and how one day I wanted to marry a guy just like him.  I loved how he spoke about his brothers and his family, I loved how he spent time with his friends, and I loved how he cared about stuff that most guys didn't admit to caring about.  And then I went on a date with a wrong-choice guy and I saw him on a date with a wrong-choice girl. 

Then it was the last day of class, just a final exam.  A majority of our class went out to lunch afterwards and he was sitting next to some girl and I was sitting next to some guy (who was a worse choice then that last date if you can imagine) and it was my birthday, Christmas Eve.  Someone produced mistletoe.  I have no idea how he got the mistletoe and I will never know why or how he got up and walked across the very large table and came over to my side, leaned down to me and looked at me and then he kissed me.  The most chaste quick mistletoe kiss.  And I knew I would spend my life with him.  That quick kiss lasted mere seconds, but really it lasted forever.  I have never, ever felt anything like I felt in that moment.  It was this deep knowing, this fantastic joy felt all the way from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes.  It was as if I had been drowning in a well and I saw the sunshine up at the top and someone leaned over and grabbed my hand and pulled me out into the light and held me tight and said, 'it's okay, your life really begins today."

And it did.  He left that evening for a trip and I didn't talk to him for 10 days.  I had a lot of time to think and to act.  I purged my life in that 10 days, saying goodbyes, cleaning out closets, journaling a lot, very jittery and on the move and really not knowing why - until I saw him 11 days later.  Then I knew I was preparing my heart for it's new home.

So-today I celebrate the man who loves me more than I can know and more than I deserve.  I am going to take him out to breakfast and we can do our bible study (we have a great time debating the Word together), then I am going to take him on a hike - he loves to be outside, he loves to be active and I hear this hike is gorgeous and today should be perfect weather.  Then we are having lunch with fantastic friends who are mentors and role models for us on how to live a Godly life and how to have a strong Christ-centered marriage in this crazy superficial world that does anything but support loving, committed long-lasting relationships.  Then we will get the kids from school together and spend a wonderful evening, probably laughing and talking and maybe even throwing in a game of cards or two.  And you know all of this before he does!  This blogging stuff is a little strange.

Why all of this today?  I woke up singing a song - a song with a double meaning for me - my broken road led me to God, my broken road led me to my husband and of course this is not a coincidence - they were walking the road together when God introduced me to my husband and my husband took my hand and brought me back to God.  There is a greater plan than either of us know or can understand, but I thank God with all my heart that my husband and I were given each other to travel this road together.



God Bless the Broken Road - by Rascal Flatts

Radical Transformation

"If anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who observes his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself and then goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But he who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, not being a hearer that forgets but a doer that acts, he shall be blessed in his doing."

James 1:23-25

DFI is this Saturday and I am studying. One of my classes is "Anglican Spirituality and Morality" and we are going to discuss prayer and identity. What a glorious day to study "radical transformation" as defined by Beatrice Bruteau. I am sitting outside with 70 degree temps, a gorgeous blue sky with barely a fluffy, white cloud to ponder an image, a nice breeze, and background sounds of kids and laughter and some type of flute music that I am loving. I always did want to play the flute, never got the hang of it, but I digress ;-)

Radical Transformation - I have been undergoing transformation and it becomes more radical every footstep into the Light I take. I have to admit I am pretty much a nerd. I have been dubbed (lovingly, I think) a book nerd, a church nerd, an introvert, the quiet one and one of my favorites: a tree hugging granola. You are probably wondering who my friends are at this point. I don't think I am unique, I believe we all undergo transformation our entire lives - if we don't we could become stuck and we might become bitter and desolate. We are constantly reinventing ourselves based on new knowledge, new information, awakenings if you will.

It can take a single word to transform your whole life - that was the case for me. I have a friend who shall remain nameless - although if he is reading this he knows who he is and I should preface this story that I love and adore him and I thank him for beginning an awakening for me. One evening I was at church and a program was about to begin and I went to set up a room I was using - that was reserved for me. There was a group in the room who were still knee deep in meeting. I went to a different space to see how I could set up and then passed my friend and asked if he might know when this particular meeting would end so I could use my original space. Instead of answering my question he threw one to me, "have you been a doormat your whole life?" If I remember correctly I sort of laughed, said something like, "no, I am just nice" and we parted ways. And then I went home and cried. I continued to go between anger and wanting to punch something to crying and feeling like a loser that someone would call me out as a doormat for being nice and considerate.

Then one day I stopped crying and ranting. I sat down, got quiet and I prayed. I asked God to help me understand the definition of doormat and did my name appear in that definition. As I prayed I began to think of the word Meek. I remember how I used to view Meek as Weak. A definition I held onto for years and I mean years. I was in my 30s when I revisited the word Meek and realized it does not mean weak but rather it means humble strength. I began to embrace Meek. If I took doormat and flipped the word around I began to let go of the weak connotation and embrace the spirit of humility and compassion, the strength it takes to step back in line, to let a meeting run over, to let others speak first, to let someone proclaim to be right, to listen to another perspective, to give space to grief, to allow time for Grace to step in and work miracles.

I know I cannot change the worlds definition of doormat - except by being a doormat transformed. I can embrace my inner nerd and bring it forth in boldness for my Creator. I can take God out of my limited human box and I can step out behind Him(Her). I can boldly go where I never have been before. I can write a newsletter, I can write a blog, I can lead a prayer service, I can share the Word as I understand it. I can be vulnerable to the world sharing my story because I know that God is my strength and my stronghold.

This is radical transformation - taking what you think you know to be true and asking God what is really true. It is looking in the mirror and not forgetting who we are when we step away. It is looking in the mirror and seeing God and stepping away from the mirror and behaving in a manner that glorifies God. It is hearing the Word and living the Word into this world through our actions. "Fear not for I am with you".

In the West we talk a lot about the Authentic - Living the Authentic Life, being our authentic selves. I like the way Zen Buddhists put it "Show me your original face, the face you had before your parents were born." This speaks directly to our scripture and "observe your natural face". We are created beings living in a created world that has been broken. In our broken-ness we need to search for our natural face, our God within. If your natural face, your true created beingness walked past your image-clad broken world face - would you recognize each other?

If not you might want to consider a Radical Transformation of your own, I know I am enjoying mine. I am looking forward to the day my broken heart meets my natural face and the two walk as One and travel this journey called Life together.

First Day of School - The Kids

Really - I am supposed to be happy.  I am supposed to be excited.  I am supposed to be partying this morning with mimosas and laughter.

Really - I am crying.  I am sad.  I am struggling to remember why I was so excited for this day.

My kitchen is clean, my prayers are said, my funky jazz that everyone hates to listen to but me is playing.  It is even my husband's birthday (Happy blessed birthday!). 

I was fine, a few butterflies while we got ready this morning.  I was fine walking to school, all routine and normal.  Then we got to school and my youngest son (1st grade) asked his brother (2nd grade) to walk him to his room and he looked like he might cry.  My 2nd grader said "of course" and grabbed his hand and they walked into the school holding hands.  Then the tears came.  I tried to hide them and stop them, I didn't want to scare any of the kids by bawling at the back door.  They looked so tiny and that door looked so big.

But here I am with my new life.  12 years of my life have just flipped into a new life in a matter of 12 minutes.  12 years ago I was dancing around my living room with a newborn in my arms (to that funky jazz I might add!) I can still smell their sweet baby milky smell, feel their tiny breath against my neck, see their silly baby grins, hear their gurgles and coos, even their feisty hungry baby cries.

Today I can remember every moment of their adventures like a movie montage playing through my mind.  wow.  So here I am, with my blessed life, kids growing exactly as they should; me heading into my new adventures exactly as I should.  But not feeling anything like I thought I would.

What a gift today is, a wonderful reminder of how each of my children is really a Gift from God, just in my care for a short time of my journey, just a short time of their journey.  Just a short time but a full time, with so much love I feel my heart could burst.  How thankful I am.

Father of all mercies

We ask that you would bless

the youngest and littlest of learners,

the most helpless and powerless of persons,

with Your infinite and loving mercy,

granting them the strength to learn, concentrate,

and act appropriately towards their teachers and fellow students.

We also ask that You would watch over them,

at home and at school

and grant them proper direction so that they may learn

of Your wonderful virtues.

We ask this in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen

(prayer written by David Bennett)

Labor Day

I never really gave much thought to labor day until I began to view it through the prism of God's work.

There are so many scriptures that reference labor but the one that is speaking to me most clearly this year is Matthew 9:37-38 "Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore ask the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.""

This is the work, this is the meaning. Everyone is called. It isn't just ordained ministry that is a call. Each of us is created with unique gifts and opportunities to use our gifts. The question may not be "are you called?" rather the question might be "are you working for the Lord?" Colossians 3:23-24 tells us "Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done for the Lord and not for your masters, since you know that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you serve the Lord Christ."

What if...we actually worked for the Lord instead of our masters? Who can our masters be? The Job. The Mortgage. The Boss. The Contract. The Commission. The Vacation. Why do you toil and strive and for whom do you toil and strive? How many of us will show up for work on Tuesday working as if the Lord himself were sitting in our cubicle, our classroom, our kitchen and our sanctuary?

My kids often groan when I ask them to clean their rooms but I love to remind them that this is not their house, this is not their bedroom - this is the Lord's house and what if the Lord showed up today for a sleepover - would He be comfortable in their room? I ask the same of myself, especially after a long day, the snail trail of childhood "stuff" is trickling through every room, dinner dishes still needing to be cleaned, more laundry to fold, bills to sift through. I wonder, what if God sat down on my couch right now, would He be pleased with how I care for the blessings He has given me? Or would He wonder how I spend my time? If I take the time to consider this question the loving response to all my blessings is to pick up my shovel and make a path! I may not have a talent for home decorating but I surely can scrub a sink.

My dentist is a great example of Christ in the workplace. I love going to the dentist. I love walking into his office. You at once feel as though you have been welcomed, it is almost as if you are in his home. You are treated with respect and dignity in a loving and true way. I believe my dentist has been given the gift of healing and he uses that gift to glorify God. I have never sat down and asked him his priorities but it is evident in his office; God, family, work. He doesn't pray over me (well maybe he does silently?) but I feel his work (and that of all of his staff) as a prayer. This is a true example of our Colossians 3:23-24 scripture. He is serving Christ.

We can all do this. We can go into our meetings asking God to listen with our ears and be present in our words. We can treat all people that we encounter with the dignity and respect they deserve just because they are children of God and He loves and adores them just as He loves and adores us. We can have a welcoming spirit and bring everyone to the table, for it is not our table, but the Lord's table. My husband and I talk all the time about not having an intended effect or being married to the outcome or pushing our own agendas. If we are truly doing God's work we don't need to convince anyone or manipulate any situation or control all the details. God's will be done. Period. We can share our talents, our time, our treasure and we can invite people to join us on our journey and serve alongside of us. If you are striving and spinning your wheels like a hamster in a cage, check your priorities. Take a moment to discern where you are and where you are going. Does your will align with God's will? If it does, cheers my friend because the banquet has begun and you can rest in your toil. God will make it happen. You just have to show up and put a little sweat equity into the job. If your will is not in alignment with God's will don't despair, for today is a new day, a new opportunity, a fresh start, a new chapter in your life. God is waiting for you to co-create with Him.

I leave you with this thought on this particular Labor Day - how do you want to spend your life, striving for a career or living your vocation? And what might your guiding scripture be today?


Collect of the Day

Almighty God, you have so linked our lives one with another that all we do affects, for good or ill, all other lives: So guide us in the work we do, that we may do it not for self alone, but for the common good; and, as we seek a proper return for our own labor, make us mindful of the rightful aspirations of other workers, and arouse our concern for those who are out of work; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

• For the Unemployed
Heavenly Father, we remember before you those who suffer want and anxiety from lack of work. Guide the people of this land so to use our public and private wealth that all may find suitable and fulfilling employment, and receive just payment for their labor; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.