My daily office readings today:
What do you do with death? What?
Two friends of mine came to me in one day struggling with grief during this heightened state of emotional blissness - we are supposed to be happy and merry and with kith and kin during the holidays - why? Where in scriptures during Advent does it say we must pretend to be making merry and set up artificial moments of celebration? Advent calls us to Journey, to repent, to seek God before anyone else, to celebrate in the Incarnation so that we might rejoice in the mystery of the Resurrection. Death overcome; a grief fully lived out and acknowledged.
A woman with whom I was blessed to provide some pastoral care has died. She is around my age, she has a young child who still needs her mother. What do I do with this dear God?
My beloved cat is dying as I sit here and I spent the night with her in my arms praying that God take her quickly because I fear her pain is growing. I held her, hummed songs to her so she could feel the vibrations because I am no longer certain she can see or hear. Her body is giving out at a rapid pace. It's too hard dear God, what do I do with this pain? Hers and mine and my children's who have never known a life without her? She is 17 and has been with me through everything, everything. Her sister died 7 years ago and her death was not easy for her or us. Now my only consolation and hope is in God and the imaging of her sister waiting to draw her into Life Eternal and the joyous scampering that will ensue. What do I do with this dear God?
And my readings, my prayer time this morning at once uplifts and strengthens me even as it guides me.
16Rejoice always, 17pray without ceasing, 18give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 19Do not quench the Spirit." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19
At first I cry out how God, how do I rejoice? And yet I do - I rejoice in 17 years of memories and love.
Pray without ceasing comes easier, yes I will and yes I must. It is only on my knees that I can see clearly.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. This is harder. It is hard to embrace the pain and say thank you, but I do. Christ Jesus endured much more pain for me and I will endure this pain for the blessed love that I was able and am able to have. The point of this pain is that Love was present, Love was real, Love was Incarnate in relationship.
Do not quench the Spirit. This is my task and I can embrace it. My marching orders if you will, my answer to how dear God? God provides always and everywhere.
"To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, do not refuse to hear me, for if you are silent to me, I shall be like those who go down to the Pit. Hear the voice of my supplication, as I cry to you for help, as I lift up my hands towards your most holy sanctuary." Psalm 28:1-2
Into your hands dear God I commend their spirits, those who have died, those who are dying and those who twist and turn in restless sleep as they grieve. Embrace them all with your peace which transcends all pain, help me to enter into my grief honestly and purely so that you might be present with me to uphold and uplift me and carry me through it all. Amen
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