Standing With Lonely

"If you do not stand firm in faith, you shall not stand at all."  Isaiah 7:9b

Bullet died two days ago.  I am only standing today because I am standing in faith.

She died in my arms, waiting to take her last breath when all of us were home.  It was harder than I anticipated it would be.  It never ceases to amaze me the unexpected force of grief when expected death takes place. 

The house feels strange.  The weight of death has been lifted from the house, you can actually feel the differences in the air.  But now the presence of grief is here.  I keep thinking I hear her just around the corner, but she isn't there.

There are birds in the yard and they were across the street this morning when I was outside running our dog.  It is so cold out - 24 degrees this a.m. - that I was surprised by them.  I am  not sure the kind of bird, but they make this interesting chirping.  It is almost a rolling of r's as though I am attempting to speak spanish and I am practicing the r's.  It is that but different.  My husband can make the chirp.  He used to do it to imitate when Bullet would sit at the window and chirp call to the birds.  She loved her bird friends.  She would sit at the window for hours watching them and chirping to them.

I think her friends came to keep me company today.  I wonder if Bullet knew I was sad and sent them to remind me of her happy days here with us?

I am surprised by the depth of my sadness but my husband reminded me that Bullet has been with me almost half my life.  She was with us as a family before we knew we were a family.  She has been with us through 2 homes, the birth of 4 kids, the death of her sister and of too many of our family members.  She sat with me through joy and lay with me through sadness.  She saw me through so many days and nights.  My 2nd daughter said "I am lonely without my sister."  I think she said it perfectly, we are lonely without Bullet.