In Between

A Deacon friend of mine has died.  I am not even sure I can grasp that she has moved on to the Kingdom.  Another Deacon friend of mine posted on her facebook page "in between grief and gratitude" and described a day of service that she was a part of while thinking about our friend.  I thought what she said was so poignant and perfect.  In between grief and gratitude is Grace. Grace is found in serving others, more specifically in serving Christ in others.  For even as we serve the wounds in others, Christ is healing the wounds within us.  This is what Deacons know to be true and this is why Deacons serve in the world - to be with Christ in our midst, and serve in the Church - to share with our brothers and sisters the eternal power of this Grace, the life changing, wound healing power of Christ in their midst, just awaiting revelation.

I began a new bible study on Monday; a Beth Moore study on the Book of Revelation.  I love the Book of Revelation, its imagery and depth, meaning behind every Word.  Layers upon layers of Truth, hidden Truth that you can sit with and ponder.  The first week of this study our "homework" was to pray to God daily and ask for God to reveal himself to us and to be on the lookout for the revelation.

I have spoken to a few classmates and they have had their revelations.  I absolutely LOVE hearing their stories about the power and glory of God manifest before their very eyes and in their very lives.  I had my revelation on Friday.  Friday is my Sabbath and I *almost* didn't run an errand.  But I did.  The church I serve has a monthly donation drive for a local food pantry and I had noticed the donation wagon was full.  It was time to make a delivery, I see no sense in the wagon being full in the Church Narthex when the food pantry shelves are running low.  It seemed to me it fit into my Sabbath keeping to make the delivery.  Technically work, but this work produces an altar to God in the world of the hungry.

After making the donation it occurred to me that I had nothing to prepare for dinner at home and my own pantry was running low - which would create cranky kids.  I HATE grocery shopping, the only thing worse is grocery shopping on the weekend!  I decided to run to the store on my way home.  As I was flying up and down the aisles throwing things in my cart without much thought except "so and so will like this", oh "so and so hasn't had this in awhile", I came to a stop contemplating just how many boxes of pasta we might want.

My eye was drawn down the aisle and my revelation began, space out of time, mind in another world.  A woman about my age, wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a hoody sweatshirt with the hood pulled high up, covering most of her face, carrying a grocery sack and in the same hand grasping dollar bills and loose change; alongside her a boy, early high school age, wearing socks with sandals and gym type shorts, with a t-shirt that he had hand written on to look like a jersey, possibly for some type of practice.  The woman was fully focused on her task and the boy, her son possibly? kept looking around, trying to get her to hurry up, in a respectful but urging way.

They moved from one spot in the aisle I was in, to a spot in the next aisle I came to.  It was as if I was drawn to them and couldn't take my eyes away - even as I hoped I didn't appear to be staring or watching.  I was just drawn.  It dawned on me that the woman was struggling to do the math to figure out if she had enough cash in her hand to pay for the items they were looking at.  They would do some math and replace one item for the next, and then put that item back and reclaim the first one.  Let me tell you the biggest hurdle seemed to be how many bags of ramen noodles they could get, how many bags down to the last penny in her hand.

My revelation hit me so hard I thought I would keel over in the aisle, and I struggled to breathe and remain rooted in a place of reality.  My adrenaline began to rush and as quickly as my revelation came I tried to hide from it and wondered how to "fix" this situation for this woman.  You see, my revelation was, and is, She is Me and I am Her.  In my rush of abundance racing through the store, I forgot that my Sister was Hungry.  Her Boy is my Son and my Son is her Boy.  I could feel her clothing wrap around me, her hoody covering my head and my face, covering my shame that my struggle should be openly seen and my pride that no one should pity me in my place of Grace.  For it is in Grace that she was revealed to me and it was in Grace that I was able to connect beyond the moment.

How soon we forget the struggle when we have moments of ease.  How soon we forget the face of hunger and deprivation as we find our needs met.  How soon we traipse the aisles of life as if there are no cares in the world but what we might want for dinner while our brothers and sisters are being oppressed, violated, abused and worse - forgotten, made to feel invisible.  My revelation made my Sister seen to me and never forgotten.  I think of her throughout each day, asking God to reveal to my heart the layers I still do not comprehend.  I wake up in the middle of each night praying for my Sister, her image seared on my heart.  I want to see her again, I want to talk to her, I want to hug her close to me and whisper, "you are treasured, you are sacred, you are loved". 

We checked out at the same time, I had been trying to figure out how to purchase a gift card and get it into her hands without her knowing.  I scrambled and my thoughts ran fast.  I didn't figure it out. I wasn't meant to.  The revelation wasn't meant for me to help her, it was meant for her to save me.  We stood at cashiers next to each other, her handful of items and my basket full, her grasped dollars and change and my whisked debit card.  And then she was gone.  I searched for her as I left, I couldn't find her, I didn't see her son, my revelation was gone.  I practically ran to my vehicle and I sat inside and just cried, tears flowing from deep within that I couldn't have stopped even if I had wanted to.  But I didn't want to, because tears are cleansing, tears wipe clean our sight and give us new vision and I wanted to sit with my revelation and just be with God.

In between grief and gratitude you find Grace.  Grace has the power to reveal itself to us so that we might come closer to knowing the Christ within ourselves and helping us to know the Christ within others.  Grace allows Christ to serve Christ in our midst and redeem our humanity amongst us.  I am because you are!

May God reveal Himself to you today and may my Sister Deacon rest in peace among the Eternal as her witness and example of servanthood continue to reveal Grace in this world.  And may my Sister who is Hungry forgive me my trespasses, known and unknown, may she know the fullness of God as she revealed to me.