It’s been over 3 years
since I have written anything besides a sermon or church newsletter
article. For many of us writing or
journaling, doodling or musing with words and pictures is sacred space to be
with God. Writing was a way for me to
open myself to the Holy Spirit, to meditate on scripture, to contemplate the
ever changing world.
Why the stop? Could it be the giving up of my Sabbath? Did I allow the urgency of the world to overtake
me and convince me I had to keep moving, and moving and moving…until…
Until I became cranky
with my husband, grouchy with my children, hit the wall emotionally,
spiritually and physically. NO, I kept
moving, and moving, and moving…until…
Until I began to self
medicate and motivate with caffeine and sugar, gaining over 25 pounds in 6
months. A sure sign that I was turning
to food instead of prayer and Sabbath to stay awake, to keep moving, to keep
working. NO, I kept moving, and moving,
and moving…until…
Until I began to realize my
mantra was “I’m too busy”, “I can’t”, “Not now”, “Give me 10 more minutes”, “I
have to get this done,” all phrases spoken to God, family and friends. Of course, my 4 jobs and multiple nonprofit leadership
roles and commitments were meant to provide for and serve God, family and
friends, great justification to say NO, keep moving, moving, and moving…until…
Until I sat down during
an unexpected and unplanned time of vacation.
6 months prior I had begun shedding responsibilities. I was self-aware enough to realize I was off
kilter and speeding through life at such a pace that I was no longer feeling fully
present or fully alive. I resigned from
a job and nonprofit, I began saying “No” to new projects and releasing myself
from work that was never intended to be mine.
Small victories, but not enough.
I hadn’t realized what a huge hole of “busyness” I had dug for
myself. I was taking small steps leading back to God.
Until I sat down and
realized that for all my good intentions “busyness” had overtaken “being” with
God. No wonder I was restless in the midst
of activity. Finally sitting down and
immersing myself in quiet and prayer I realized what I already knew. I had given up my Sabbath. I was tired.
Actually, I was exhausted. I had exhausted
my body, my mind and my spirit to such a point that I knew my short vacation
was not going to reboot me this time. I
realized that caffeine and sugar could no longer sustain me and in fact were
hurting me and adding to my exhaustion.
I had exhausted myself to such a point that I no longer had words. Words to write, to speak, to convince myself
to keep moving, and moving, and moving.
In my exhaustion all I
can do is reach for the clothes of Jesus.
I’ve spent all I have and am using the last of my energy to reach, reach
out to Jesus and hope, hope to be made well.
“And a large crowd
followed him and pressed in on him. 25Now
there was a woman who had been suffering from hemorrhages for twelve years. 26She had endured much under many
physicians, and had spent all that she had; and she was no better, but rather
grew worse. 27She
had heard about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his
cloak, 28for
she said, “If I but touch his clothes, I will be made well.” 29Immediately her hemorrhage stopped; and
she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. 30Immediately aware that power had gone
forth from him, Jesus turned about in the crowd and said, “Who touched my
clothes?” 31And
his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing in on you; how can you
say, ‘Who touched me?’” 32He
looked all around to see who had done it. 33But
the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling, fell
down before him, and told him the whole truth. 34He said to her, “Daughter, your faith
has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.” (Mark 5:24-34)
In my exhaustion all I desire
is to be still, be quiet and listen earnestly for God to call my name and tell
me to stand again. All I pray for is to be
nourished by God’s Word and live into the invitation to be fully alive and speak
and move faithfully through this world.
41He took her by the hand and said to her…
“Little girl, get up!” 42And
immediately the girl got up and began to walk about…” Mark 5:41-42
Moving forward I have reclaimed the Sabbath God set for all
of us. I have set my intention to move
towards healing and away from striving.
Tomorrow ends my vacation and I’m moving slowly back into working. The
urgency of the needs of the world have not become any less urgent. I realize the need to work hard and
diligently for the respect and dignity of all people and will continue to advocate for justice
for ALL. And, I realize the work I do is only accomplished
with God’s help.
My prayer for us all is a Blessed Sabbath, a healing, and
the ability to answer the invitation to get up and walk about, walking towards
God and living fully alive, working towards the Kingdom of God being our truth
and reality.
Beloveds,
Your faith has made you well;
Be healed
Take my hand
Get up!
Walk about
Walk towards me, let us go forth in peace!
Amen. Blessed
Sabbath.
