"A man shall leave his father and his mother,
and be joined to his wife;
and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:24
Both of us were scared to get married. Both of us are children of divorce. Both of us were independent and stubborn. Both of us knew how we wanted life to be and how to get there and "our" way was the right way. Both of us now realize we knew nothing when we got married about what being married meant! What we knew was that neither one of us wanted to get divorced. We lived it as children and we didn't want to re-live it as adults.
Marriage isn't always a lovey dovey honeymoon. There are hard days, hard nights and even hard years. Luckily when I was going through a hard time I had a mentor. She is about 20 years older than me and we met in bible study. She and her husband were like two teenagers and totally in love. The joy they exuded being around each other was contagious and you just wanted to be around them and soak it in. One day she took me out to lunch to give me a break from home, I think I had 2 kids at the time under age 5 and I might have been pregnant with #3. I was still transitioning from working full-time to staying at home (that transition mentally took me a long time - another blog) and my husband was having a hard time with the transition too. It was just not fun in our house. We were sleep deprived, lost trying to figure out our new roles, poor, my husband had a lot of pressure being the sole financial provider and I had a really hard ego time being financially reliant on someone other than myself. We were snapping at each other, both very defensive and ready to pounce on the other one for the slightest transgression.
Back to lunch - my friend took me out to lunch - she talked about her marriage and the ups and downs and the realities of being a whole person and cleaving to another whole person and how that meshing takes years and prayers. And she said she and her husband almost got divorced at one point. While considering separation they sat down one evening and re-read their wedding vows to one another. "until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow." They looked at each other and decided that there was nothing in their relationship - no argument, no fight, no disagreement, no power struggle - that they were willing to die for, to break their vow to God for. She said from that moment forward conflict never became personal attack and never escalated to a point where someone felt they had to walk away from the marriage or back down as though bullied. The control was handed over to God, Christ became their center, they decided to love each other as Christ loved them - whether they deserved it or not.
"Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge.
Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God." Ruth 1:16
I drove home from that lunch knowing it was a pivotal point in my marriage. I would either embrace the knowledge she gave me or I would reject it. Suddenly, I was overpowered with grief over the way I had been treating my husband and our marriage. The pettiness I had brought into our relationship over the silliest and minutest details. I stopped my car halfway home and had a good long cry and asked God to forgive me for my selfishness and pride and to open my husband's heart to me so that he might forgive me.
I am not one to easily say "I am sorry", I am sure my husband could count on 1 hand the times I have actually said it. Saying "please forgive me" is even harder. But over the next few months what is hard for me to say in words I said through my life and my actions. I became a different wife, a different partner. I came to love my husband in a new way and honor my marriage through the heart of Jesus.
Today I am more in love with my husband than is earthly possible. There aren't even words to describe the way I love him. He is me and I am him and We are in God and God is within us and it is good. I have no idea how my radical transformation has been for him. He tells me when he can and sometimes he uses words. I wonder how I would have reacted if he had come to me and said he was going to quit his job and become a missionary - I liken it to the same thing as what I have come to him and said. Every step of the way he has said "of course", "do what God is calling you to do", "you are where you are supposed to be", "you can do this" and "I love you". He is my strength when I am weak, he holds the lantern up so that I can take my next step forward. He is a voice in the wilderness, he is a witness in the cloud and quite frankly he is a saint for putting up with me!
He is my dearly beloved.
"Will you have this man to be your husband; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?" BCP page 424
I will.
On this, the anniversary of our vows, I thank you God for the blessing of my husband.
PS - my husband read this and would like to refute the comment that he is stubborn - he stubbornly reminded me that he is not stubborn ;-)
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