Just this morning I was thinking about my Alb. I ordered my Alb at Annual Council and I was hoping it would be here for Easter. Then this morning I was thinking about the Celebration of New Ministry service for my Interim-Rector who became Priest-In-Charge who is going to be my Rector next month. I was wondering if my Alb would be here in time to wear it for her service.
It came today!!!
I have been borrowing one (heaven sent if you ask me, how did an Alb that fits me perfectly just happen to be in our vesting room when my priest-in-charge wanted me to have one?). It has worked very nicely and I am very thankful. But I am very excited to have my own, I ordered a more breathable fabric and it has some bling to it ;-) The deacon with the bling.
I tried it on and it fits perfectly and the sleeves aren't as wide so altar work will be a little easier without cuffs that defy gravity and threaten to knock everything off the table. I want to wear it so badly this next worship. But I feel like I should still save it - what to do, what to do. It is amazing to think that one year ago I was just meeting with the COD (the committee on the diaconate). A year later my first Alb has arrived, I serve on the altar at worship, I help with worship and ministry and my first term of formation is almost over. I have final papers and exams coming up.
Some might say I am a completely different person or rather I am becoming whole, fully who I am. What I have always been on the inside is now visible on the outside. I think it is hard for some who have known me for so very long, it feels like a shock to some of them. Others reply to the transformation as if they have been waiting. Allowing my life to be fully lived and authentic has allowed others to share with me their own truth and journey to being whole. It is such a privilege to share a person's life with them, to truly know someone. I have people in my life who I have known my whole life and yet I do not know them. There are walls put up and only so much is allowed to be known. Then I have people who I have known for only a short time and yet I know their inner most thougths and being.
Some embrace me fully, others are tolerant of me and others run from me as if I am a zealot with all my God talk. It is all okay. I am no longer willing to hide who I am to make others more comfortable and I no longer seek to please any person. The beginning of my day I surrender to God and at the end of the day I confess my sins and ask God to forgive my ignorance and bless my intentions. At the end of my day all that matters is what has pleased God.
One of my homework assignments is to design my funeral liturgy. I would rather call it my Celebration of Life liturgy. As I work on it I think about my friend and classmate Anne. She had to do this assignment one year before she died. I wonder if the liturgy we shared for her was written by her? I wonder if she sat on her front porch, soaking up the sun on a rare warm day for February and contemplated how short life really is? I think about how today might be my last, there is no guarantee for tomorrow. If I meet Jesus on the other side of the veil today have I lived a life I am ready to present? Does my life speak to who I believe my Savior to be?
Wearing the Alb whichever day I do will be special, for I present myself to my God for worship. It is another outward visible sign of the inward grace I have been given. Wearing it proclaims that I have answered my call. And when I present myself to Jesus at the appointed time I hope that Love's light recognizes itself coming forth from me.
"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. I have said these things to you so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete." John 15:7-11
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