Waiting...Anticipating...

Seems funny to write a post about waiting after a month and a half of silence.  All the social media and blogger experts would tell me it is in bad form to comment how long I have been off-line - but wow - a month and a half?  Where does the time go?  I have lists of blog titles of things I wanted to write about but no time.

No time is a familiar topic in December, in Advent, in the days before Christmas.  It is the rush, rush, be happy, rush, rush, look happy, rush rush, spend money, rush rush, aren't you happy and broke rushing season.  So that isn't what Advent is really about, but that is what the consumer christmas season is about.

Every year I fall further and further out of love with christmas and deeper and deeper in love with Advent.  Don't get me wrong, waiting is not my forte.  Nope, not one bit.  Patience is not my virtue.  In fact all of Advent thinking about Mary waiting those nine long months to hold the Christ child brings me back many memories of my days of being pregnant, full of life, and waiting, anticipating the new life that would spring forth, the new creation that would change my life forever in ways I could never comprehend nor expect.  Anticipated waiting is even bigger than just plain waiting.  I remember wanting the pregnancy to be over and the baby to be here so badly, like a physical craving.  We want the waiting to be over, we struggle to stay present in the waiting, focused in the moment.  We tend to rush to the event not savoring every moment of getting to the event.  Advent is a time to relish the waiting, to reintroduce our minds and bodies to the stillness and fullness of the moment that is present.  The present of Advent is the Christ mass.

It is my hope this Advent to take time and devote it to the Incarnation.  To grapple with the meaning of my God becoming Human, to show me the way, to patiently walk with me in my blindness.  This first week we light the candle of Hope on our Advent Wreaths.  Hope in our God, hope in ourselves.  You see the Incarnation is a telling sign of a loving God.  We have our flippant saying of "walking in someone else's shoes".  Well Jesus did that.  The Word became Flesh and walked in sandals the very same dirt path we continue to walk today.  Jesus is our true example of Hope.  From His Incarnation, to His example of following The Way, to His Resurrection, and now we await with anticipation his Revelation.

I read something this week that grabbed me and won't let go and I want to share it with you - I know who wrote it but not what context it was written in:

“I suspect that you knew you were different at an early age. Not that you always stood aloof or failed to find friends, but that you carried an awareness of life that was not always easy to share. It was not just your outward sign, how you appeared to others, but like a sacrament, an inward reality, a way of seeing, a sense that the air around you was scented with the fragrance of something sacred. And so you held your secret close, listening, waiting, until your time came, until your name was called by a voice familiar. You are what you were meant to be. 

You are unique.

You have a story to live that must be lived to be told.  But I suspect you know that."

The Rt. Rev. Steven Charleston, Choctaw

 

This gives me perspective in a couple of different ways.  One is the Incarnation of the Christ.  Doesn't that just speak to the Divine fully Human?  But doesn't it also speak to the Divine within each of us?  The Christ within each of us?  We are all created and called to live a life to the fullest in the glory of and for the glory of God.

"Listening, waiting, until your time came"...

Are you listening to the breath of God?

What are you waiting on?  waiting for?

Has the time come?

Is God waiting on you?

"your name was called by a voice familiar"...

Waiting...Anticipating...

Sister, Can You Spare The Time

A  dear friend called me this morning and left a message.  The very end of her message said "don't forget...in your spare time...". 

I will just keep moving as God redeems my time!

Cafeteria Theology

2nd grader boy, "Do you know what Infinity equals?"

Me, grasping at straws wondering if I have a sign on my head saying 'she stinks at math' answers "uhm, well uhm, uhm nothing?  Infinity doesn't end does it?"  I have learned to repeat the question in some manner when I have no clue what a 2nd grader is asking me.

2nd grader boy, "Well...", scratching his head wondering how to explain Infinity to me.  "Infinity doesn't end, your right, it goes on and on and on and on and on.  Infinity equals forever."  Smiling at me with pity that I must never have passed the 2nd grade.

2nd grader girl, "Human beings do not live into Infinity.  They die."

2nd grader boy, "Unless they go to Hell." 

My youngest son, also a 2nd grader boy, "Mommy, what is Hell?"

Okay, so let me stop here because I can hear the exclamation of "Lucy you have some 'splaining to do" playing in my head.  I am sure we have talked about Hell at some point in our house but my girls call it "the place down there" since they know Hell is a curse word.  So my youngest's only reference would be "the place down there."  However, I think it also speaks to my theology.  I don't stress on Hell, I don't even really stress on Heaven.  My focus is The Kingdom and how to surrender to Grace so that the Revelation of the Kingdom here and now on earth can be revealed in the Christ we meet in our midst.  That being said...

Me, "Some people believe that after you die you can go to a place called Hell."

2nd grader girl, "I don't want to go there!"

2nd grader boy, "Me either!"

Me, "Me either!"

My youngest son, "Me either!  uhm, Why?"

2nd grader boy, "It goes on forever and forever and forever and forever and it is not fun, it is so boring!"

2nd grader girl, "yeah, it is horrible, they make you do chores over and over and over and over again!"

My youngest son, "oh yuck, that is horrible!"

Me, "so how was that bus demonstration today...."

And that my friends is your typical? cafeteria conversation.  Some might say eating lunch in the school cafeteria with about 100+ students is a version of one of the circles of Hell.  Today, however, a light from Heaven shined as kids explored the Kingdom in their midst.  How easy it would have been to just answer my new little friend with "Infinity equals Eternity", but then what fun would that have been to shut the door to the ensuing revelation?

"I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child  will never enter it."  Mark 10:15

Hands of Mercy

"hands of mercy won't you cover me"

"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me"  Phillipians 4:13

Are you in a place of Strength through Christ right now? 

I have a lot of new readers lately, WELCOME!  Pull up a chair and your favorite beverage, hot tea for me on these chilly mornings ;-)  I would love to have you comment.  What is going on with you?  What would you like to talk about and explore together?  Have a scripture you want to share or talk about?  Feel lost?  Wondering where God is in all that is happening?  Have a favorite poem, song or quote you want to talk about?  Have questions that you want to bring up?

I get a lot of e-mails asking things, don't stop those from coming - but you can comment here too. Let's journey together through our adventures!

Mommy Business

Ahhh home!  I am home and so happy to be here.  When I travel I don't allow myself to miss my kids - until I get on the plane or in the car home.  Then the feeling of missing them washes over me in waves so strong I am afraid I will get pulled under - now you know why I don't allow myself the feeling until on my way home! 

The whole crew picked me up from the airport and we went out to dinner.  One other thing I have learned - make sure we  are going out to dinner when I get home.  The first few times I came home and the first question in the door to me was "what's for dinner?" I learned to just plan on eating out.  I don't want to cook when I walk in the door and I would like to share some of my trip instead of arguing about what to eat. 

After dinner we came home and I gave the kids their presents, hand made crosses made out of clay from the mountain I had been on.  I had prayed over them and had in my heart which one was for each child.  I laid them out on the table so they could each pick their own - and they picked the one I had thought.  I loved that they did as it made me feel connected to them by prayer even when we are not together. That makes me fall deeper into the arms of Jesus knowing that I can trust God with my children - no matter what, no matter where I go, no matter where they go, our prayers will connect us.

Then it was time for bathes and showers and prayers and bed.  I put on my Mommy voice and got the boys in the bathe and got down to work.  My 9yr old son said, "well you are back to Mommy business now".  I had to laugh. 

He was so right.  At the conference I was the Postulant for Holy Orders to the Vocational Diaconate from the Diocese of VA who serves at my sponsoring Church as Coordinator for Family Ministry and Domestic Outreach, serving the Homeless and those on the brink of financial crisis.  Less than a handful of people learned that I was a wife and mother. 

At home I am just Mommy. Mommy who prays a lot and talks about God a lot and goes to school.  But mostly I am just Mommy.  I kiss boo boos, cook dinner, find lost socks, fold laundry, check homework, make lunches, make people wash their hands and clean their rooms and put their napkin in their lap.  I am the one who insists on please and thank you, doesn't allow the words shut up, stupid, hate and fart in my vicinity and reminds people to brush their teeth and hair and bug them way too much about wearing a jacket, being on time and looking people in the eye when you speak to them.  I am the alarm clock in the morning and the prayer warrior at night, the one who cuddles when the nightmares happen and the one who wakes up to check fevers, clean up vomit and dole out hugs along with medicine.  I am the shuttle bus driver, the grocery shopper, the menu maker, the toilet cleaner, peacemaker and the time out queen.

I am the glue.  You don't always notice me or the work I am doing, but I am holding everything together.  That's my role.

It makes me think about all the roles we fulfill and when they are conjoined and when they are separate - or at least seem to be.  At school my classmates have never met my husband or children, they know me as Classmate, Fellow Traveler.  They know I am married and have kids, we share our stories together, but they haven't seen me, The Mommy.  I wonder what it will be like for them when they see the Mommy Me?  My sponsoring parish has what the Church calls "grown me up", they knew Mommy Me, Seeker Me, Lay Minister Me and now Deacon-In-Formation Me, I wonder which one speaks to them more, I wonder if I am yet combined into just Me?

I had a vision one night months ago - some might call it a dream, but I call it a vision - there is a distinct difference between the two.  I saw myself standing at the altar and my children walked towards me, my husband right behind them.  I can see what the kids are wearing, hear their footsteps, see their faces, smiling and solemn, I can feel my tears forming, trying to hold them in, knowing I will not succeed.  They are carrying my stole.  My oldest daughter puts it over my head and on my shoulder while my oldest son fixes it at my waist.  My other two kids holding my hands and not letting go.  My eyes meeting my husbands and I see the same look on his face as the day we got married, the same look that calms me at once and helps me to know that all is right with the world knowing our hearts beat together and that God has brought this moment to fruition.  This is my vision of my ordination.  It came out of the blue one night.  It was a gift of God. A vision of my roles intermingling and becoming one.

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

A hope and a future.  I made dinner tonight.  I loved walking in and seeing the table set, smelling the smells of home, smells of comfort and hope and future, all together, uplifting one another, gifting one another with Presence.  And the kids didn't even complain about the menu - they declared they were so happy to not be eating out of a box or through a drive thru ;-)  My hubby is awesome at holding down the fort while I am gone, but he just isn't Mommy.

Go

It is time for me to Go.  I awoke early this morning to make sure I can soak every last second of my trip.  This missions conference has fed me in ways that I know I am not even aware of yet.  Ministry work can be lonely and hard.  Yesterday one of our speakers and workshop facilitators Monica Vega said to us "do you feel lost?  GOOD!  That is mission work."  She said more but that struck me as freeing to my spirit.  I often feel lost; God am I doing what you desire me to do?  God where am I going to get the resources?  God who is going to join me?  God I think I have to speak out, grant me courage?  God I see your children and they hurt and I groan under the weight.  God keep me close to you so I can not get overwhelmed by the oppression of your creation and children.  I often feel that I am "supposed" to have answers for people or "know" something and it was freeing for Monica to say "No!"  All you need to do is "be" and be "lost" and rely on God for all and turn to the scriptures for guidance.

Deacons are the ones IN the Church to say GO to their brothers and sisters.  "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord."  It is in the dismissal that we are asking people to walk into this world with God by their side, proclaiming God's Word through thought, word and deed.  It is the Deacons who also must Go into this world to find the oppressed, the lonely, the forgotten, the needy, the poor and bring them the Good News that Christ walks with them.  We Go.

"Mission starts in the burning heart of God."  Rev. Susan Hope 

As we leave this conference may our hearts burn also with God's mission.

"The Church exists by mission as a fire exists by burning..."  Emil Brunner 

May we leave this conference sharing with our parish families the burning so that they might feel it, know it and live it.

I have been taught this weekend by many amazing people and I share with you:  Mission does not belong to the Church - the Church belongs to God's mission and We Go.  We are invited to Go - to come and see - the Divine is waiting for us to reveal itself to us.  Parishes need to be places of nourishment, but we can not stay in the parish!  Come to the table, be nourished by the bread and the wine and the Word of God and then GO!  Go into the world and join the Holy Spirit who has been waiting on you.

Go!

Goodnight and Amii-na

"Guide us waking, O Lord, and guard us sleeping; that awake we may watch with Christ,

and asleep we may rest in peace."

My final day at the conference has come to a close.  The time went so fast.  I am exhausted, I am exhilarated - depending on who you talk to both can be attributed to the elevation we are at.  I have learned so much, met so many amazing people.  I have been surrounded by Deacons, so many Deacons, so much ministry work, community building and organizing, so much Gospel Witness. 

I am uplifted, rested, recharged and enlightened.  I have been out of my comfort zone and in my happiest of places in deepest prayer.  I have laughed and cried, listened in awe, seen humility in action and witnessed relationship building.  "Networking" is not a word I embrace very often but here I witnessed networking in the purest sense - a sharing of story, of life, of vulnerability, of exchanging resources, of offers to help build sustainable and fruitful mission.

I have a notebook filled with ideas, questions, quotes and inevitably a new book list!  Today's session was outstanding, the speakers were just wonderful, I didn't want them to stop and the workshops were very informative and creative.  My sponsoring church has two global missions and I met someone from each of them!  Sat with one over dinner and in a workshop with another.  I even did some networking on behalf of my fellow DIFs at home ;-)  It was nice to be in the midst of the wider Church community.  We get so entrenched in our busyness, not seeing outside of our parish walls, our community gates, it is easy to forget there is a Church full of witnesses ready to invite you in, practice Radical Hospitality and join you in ministry. 

I didn't want to say Goodnight tonight, knowing for many it is already Goodbye.  I might have to leave half way through Holy Eucharist in the morning, makes me very sad.  Tomorrow it is going to be spoken and proclaimed in English and French and Vai, a language of Liberia.  I began this journey not knowing anyone and I leave with friendships built and mentors recognized.  I still have so much to process from what I have learned and I look forward to returning home and sharing what I have experienced and putting into action what I have been taught.

As I say goodnight I leave you with the Lord's prayer in Vai, for my brothers and sisters in Liberia who still await the results of their presidential election, hold them in prayer:

Mu Fa, mu beh a je ne

Moi ye ta nu

Ya maja-jaai na

Dun-ya lor, kee mu a beh a je ne

Mu kor tay mei moi lung fei lor

Amu ye haketo moi fien yama nu la

Ke mu moi haketo moi nu mu tar

Fein yama mu la

Ye ma tar mu lah fein yama bah

Ye mu kuma fer

Beh ma ya maja jaai beh

Ya gangan

Ya manja ja

Jor-for a mu jor-for

Amii-na

Savoring The Silence

The mountains are silent this morning and so am I.  I describe my household as organized chaos.  Children flowing in and out, friends coming and going, constant movement and voice.  It is never silent in my house - even in the darkest of night I have the dog snoring!

What I treasure whenever I have the opportunity to experience retreat or conferences is silence.  There is no tv anywhere on this campus, there are no radios.  And this morning even the breeze, the flowing river and the Elk are silent.  I treasure this time with God.  I sat for two hours yesterday in the most comfortable Adirondack Chair I have ever sat in and just stared at what I am calling my God mountain. 

All of us have an image of God, some of us have a few images.  My image of God is Light.  Awesome Light, colors that we have not defined in words, so bright I have to turn my eyes away and yet I keep looking again because I want to See.  In my image this Light comes from behind a mountain range, there are two peaks and in the middle of them the Light is streaming upwards and outwards.  There is much more to this image, there are paths and water and a garden - these are the places I meet Jesus.  Each place seems to have different meaning.

My God Mountain here has the peaks as I have imagined them.  Yesterday I just kept staring at them, wanting to memorize them.  I forgot my camera, just have my phone and I have tried, oh I have tried, to capture this mountain in a picture.  But it never looks the same on my phone as it does in my heart.  The camera version is so bland compared to the vision in front of me.  So I stopped trying to capture the vision and instead just sat in the presence.  In silence.  Grace extended, Grace received.

"Yes everything is for your sake, so that grace, as it extends to more and more people, may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.  So we do not lose heart.  Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day." 

Accidental Arrival

First, I have to share waking up this morning to the sunrise over the mountains, amazing!  I could just sit here for my 4 days and never tire of looking at this glorious creation.

Second, Morning Prayer was adapted from the Iona Community - which I will share always brings me to my knees and sheds my tears.  If you have never had the opportunity to experience a Celtic Prayer service or any worship from the Iona community - find one!  For me, there is something so elemental, so pure, so life giving about the prayers from Iona; they convict me and uplift me in one fell swoop.  They fill me with love for my Creator and demand a passionate response and witness from me.

Later today I will share one of the hymns we sang - it seems a perfect hymn for any congregation about to enter the community in mission and also perfect for an ordination service.

I am not that good at math - I think I have shared that before, I recheck my timing and calculations ad naseum.  I am also directionally challenged.  I recheck and recheck my directions a thousand times and still manage to get myself passing the turn I just needed to make.  I woke up this morning way too early - on VA time instead of CO time.  I was fretting about which workshops to take, there are so many and I want to attend them all.  So I got out my book of workshops and I prayed over it asking God to just tell me where I should go because I obviously couldn't figure it out on my own.  And then I repeated the Lord's Prayer until I fell asleep.  Interestingly my alarm clock did not go off - but I wake up on time!  Thank you God!

I starred the workshops I wanted to attend - reread descriptions, double starred the ones I thought I really should attend.  Heard an amazing plenary speaker and decided at the last minute to attend his workshop to delve deeper into what he was speaking about.  I find the lodge name and room name, even stop a facilitator to get directions.  I go to the appointed room, take a seat and the Facilitator of the Workshop says, "Welcome to ABCD 101" - oh seriously, I am in the wrong room!  This is not the workshop I had planned on attending.  What in the world - I can't get up and walk out, totally rude, but this is not one of the workshops I even starred.

Well go figure that being directionally challenged is a Gift from God and I was in the exact workshop God intended me to be in.  Just this morning we talked about how the Holy Spirit is always ahead of us and expect the unexpected.  Well Here I am Lord!  I learned all about Asset Based Community Development - instead of looking at the needs of the community and being a "service provider"  I was challenged to look at the gifts and assets of the community and Acknowledge, Affirm and Activate the gifts already abundantly surrounding me.  There is so much more to share - but know this to be true "Your gift is the key that unlocks the door to community."  If we want to grow our churches into the Kingdom of God on earth we need to stop just serving our brothers and sisters in need and we need to build relationship with them so that we might empower their God given gifts so that they might give and receive blessing!  Powerful!  And this is something I have already known, but didn't know how to practically apply in the ministry setting.

I could go on and on - but instead I am going to run to lunch ;-)  I don't want to be late for the next plenary session.  Hopefully I can find the dining hall and auditorium without too much trouble ;-)

"May Christ's warm welcome shine from our hearts And Christ's own peace prevail through this and every day, Till greater life shall call."  Amen.

Heleluyan (Alleluia)

What an amazing evening.

On my walk to Holy Eucharist I almost bumped into the Presiding Bishop and then I passed 3 Elk.  They were in the middle of all the people streaming in and just elegantly stood there waiting for the disruptive humans to get inside.  I have been told there is a bear also.  Apparently the bear wanted to escort someone from their car to their room last night, quite the reception!

The Eucharist was an amazing blend of faith traditions and languages.  The Holy Eucharist liturgy was based on the Anglican Episcopal Church in Japan.  The entrance hymn was Sekai no tomo to te o tsunagi (Here, O Lord, your servants gather).  The first lesson Isaiah 2:2-4 was read in Tagalog, a language of the Philippines.  We then responsively chanted Psalm 96 in a Native American Chant.  After the Epistle we sang the Heleluyan which is Muscogee (Creek) Indian for the Alleluia.  The Gospel was proclaimed in Spanish, the Intercessions were read in Mandarin and Portuguese and then confession was offered by the Bishop with the people asking for mercy and forgiveness on his behalf and then the congregation offering confession and receiving Absolution then we gave Shu no Heiwa (The Peace).

The Lord's Prayer we were invited to use any language of our choice.  To hear all those voices lifted up in prayer to God in so many different languages, yet all the same prayer.  Knowing that this prayer has been said from before the time of Jesus in so many languages and so many cultures.  What can you say except Heleluyan, Alleluia!

The breaking of the bread:
Celebrant:  When we break the bread,
People:  We partake of the Body of Christ
Celebrant:  We who are many are one body in Christ,
People:  For we all share in the one bread.

The Agnus Dei in Spanish - Cordero de Dios, a beautiful communion hymn song of Lau Tsu (These Three are the treasures, then a Brazilian Hymn Cantad al Senor (Cantai ao Senhor).  Two Deacons were serving and the dismissal:  Alleluia!  Let us go in peace to love and serve the Lord.  The People responding, In the name of Christ.  Alleluia!  Ending with Muchos Resplandores (Many are the light beams)

Then at dinner I just happened to sit down at a table and met the Director of one of the Young Adult Mission Corps and a few minutes later this very nice Deacon sat next to me and then a few minutes later this other very nice Deacon sat on the other side of me.  Can I just say "Thank you God!".  If that is not a Godincidence I do not know what one is.  They both happened to be from the same Diocese and they told me all about their process and the joys and the struggles and offered to pray for me.  And I still get 3 more days!!!!  I am trying to stay awake for Compline it is going to be an Ethiopian Orthodox Compline with a Cantor and chanting. 

Heleluyan, Alleluia

The Mountain

I arrived safely in Estes Park, Colorado, thanks be to God.  I am here to attend the Everyone, Everywhere 2011 Conference.  It is a conference of the Episcopal Church and our focus is 'on sharing, learning and recomitting to the missional work of our baptismal covenant.'

My room has a little porch, with a chair on it.  A perfect prayer chair looking up into the mountains.  I am having a moment of silence before opening Eucharist.  I was reading over the worship bulletin for our time together this afternoon and evening and must share:

"In days to come the mountain of the Lord's house shall be established as the highest of the mountains, and shall be raised above the hills; all the nations shall stream to it.  Many people shall come and say, 'Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; that he may teach us his ways and that we may walk in his paths.' For out of Zion shall go forth instruction, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem.  He shall judge between the nations, and shall arbitrate for many peoples; they shall beat their swords into ploughshares, and their spears into pruning-hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore."  Isaiah 2:2-4

I couldn't think of  a more perfect setting for a more wonderful reading.  And this afternoon it will be read in Tagalog, a language of the Philippines.  

There is so much opportunity this weekend and I want to share it all.  I plan to blog and I started a twitter account this morning.  I have never twittered before but can't think of a better time to dip my toes into that water.  More and more I am of the opinion what is the point of social media if not to share the Word of God.  And what better way to start than sharing my experience in learning about God's mission?

Stranger In My House

There are nights when I come home from the shelter and I feel as though I am in the wrong place.  I pull into my driveway as if going to a strangers home.  Open the front door as if I am housesitting.  Walk through the rooms on the main level calculating how many people could be sheltered for a night.  Envisioning cooking a family dinner for all, hearing the musical noise of laughter and conversation, hearing the heartbeat of prayer through thanksgiving and petition.  It seems eerily quiet.  I feel absurd and extravagant.  I want to get back in my car and drive back to the shelter.  I miss the ladies already, I miss their children.  I want to sit and talk about nothing and everything. 

The whole ride home tonight I thought about the things I didn't say.  I prayed before I walked into the shelter tonight, Lord give me the words you would have me say.  Either God didn't have much to say or I didn't listen well.  But it is my first night back at this particular shelter in awhile, all new faces, all new stories.  They don't know me yet, not sure if they want to know me, not sure who I am or what I might be to them.  It felt like coming home.  It felt real to sit and watch the news with some of them and every story was tied into the current economic situation.  Every woman in that room understands the reality of the economic situation much more than the person reading the script on tv.

Have you ever made the comment, "I feel like I live in my car!" or "Don't mind my messy car I have been living in it lately."  I have made that comment - especially on weeks where I truly am nothing more than a shuttle service or activity bus.  I make the comment in jest and absentminded.  I was reminded of that comment tonight as I walked into the shelter and I passed the cars of the guests.  I know homeless people who have cars and they store all their valuables in their car - they don't want them stolen in the shelter.  But I also know homeless people who live in their cars.  One car tonight told the story of a life.  She couldn't have crammed one more item in the car.  All her possessions in this world are in that car - her most precious possession and love recently had been sleeping in that car. 

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live in your vehicle?  Where do you park for the night?  Where is it safe from crime?  Where is it safe from the authorities who might arrest you for trespassing?  Do you really sleep or are you on high alert?  What about the bathroom?  Where do you clean up and get ready for your day?  In the heat how do you stay cool?  In the cold how do you stay warm?  What if you have kids?  Where do they do their homework?  How do you wash their clothes?  Can you keep any food?  I recently read a newspaper article about a family of 6 living in their minivan.  Where they lived there were no family shelters and they didn't want to be separated - not now, when they had lost everything, all they have is each other and they didn't want to lose that too.  I worked with a family last year who ended up homeless, living in their car.  You see when they became homeless they had a beloved pet cat - you can't bring your pet into the shelter.  To get a spot in the shelter they had to give their cat up for adoption.  They decided to keep their cat and live in their car, once a week if they could they would stay in a motel for the night so they could shower and wash clothes and sleep laying down.

How do you get mail?  Where do you keep your birth certificate safe?  How much gas do you need?  What do you do to pass the time?  How would you entertain your children?  What if you have a medical condition that requires electricity?

One of my daughters this weekend complained to me that she has the smallest room, no bigger than a closet she said.  She was quite distraught and trying to figure out how to get siblings to move around so she could exchange rooms.  I almost could not even partake of the conversation with her because all I could think about was the story of the little girl who glowed with pride over her new bedroom.  You see she had been living in her car and her mother was finally able to get into a 1 bedroom apartment.  This little girls' new bedroom was the closet in the one bedroom.  Her bed was a sleeping bag on the floor and she had two books and her baby doll placed proudly near her "bed".  She took pride in her "room" and in her mother for providing it for her.  Oh the painful dichotomy!  Where is the true Joy?  The child who has so much she doesn't realize what she has or the child who knows what little she has is so much more than she can ask or imagine?

It brings back the imagery of our hands - when our hands are full we can not grasp anything more, when are hands are empty they can be filled with abundance.  With full hands we still try to grasp and hold on and things fall out and we fall to our knees to try and grab the items.  When our hands are empty we realize how light and burden free we are and we are amazed how how much can be gathered into our arms and if we fall to our knees it is in Thanksgiving to the One who provides.

Tonight I am a stranger in my house, carrying with me in my heart each woman and child who finds safety in the shelter tonight.  I open my outstretched hands and offer up to the Lord my prayers for them knowing that God will answer my prayers as may be best for each woman and the family that she represents.  I pray in thanksgiving for this home that would fit many and I ask forgiveness for the fact that I only house my family tonight.  If you ever find yourself breaking the commandment do not covet your neighbors house, spend an evening at the shelter.  Your evening of service will open your eyes to the abundant life you live and you will praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Tangled Webs

I began a new bible study this morning, "I second that emotion; untangling our zany feelings", by Patsy Clairmont.  This will be my first study with this author and speaker and so far she has my attention ;-)

Patsy does a visual of our emotions, it is a huge, entangled mass of knotted rubber bands.  I can relate!  She then swung it around her head talking about how she gets up with it in the morning and spreads it around to everyone that she comes into contact with - again I am relating!

The first question of the morning was "when it comes to your emotions, which of the following animals best describes you and why?"  Barking Dog caught my eye because my bark is worse than my bite, in fact I have more of a bark than a bite - and believe me that is NOT a good parenting technique - if you find that one in a parenting book dump that book quick.

Do I really want to be perceived as a Barking Dog.  More good questions followed, how do you feel after an emotional meltdown, how do those around you feel, do your family and friends perceive your actions and behavior the same as you do?  Isn't that interesting - really the most interesting to me today - how am I perceived?  Do I project what I am feeling in the same way it is received - in other words does my hurt come across as anger?  Does my frustration come across as apathy? And so on, fill in the words for yourself. 

Our scripture for the day is Romans 12:2  "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."  Now here is where my joy and excitement want to jump off the page - here is my revelation for today - I hope you can perceive the goose bumps that appeared when I discovered the scripture I was meditating on this morning BEFORE bible study and the one I took in with me for my moving meditation (hot yoga! very, very hot today) was Romans 12:1 ^"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship."

Really?  Do you think God is trying to tell me something?  Let's put it all together for ease of eye:

¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

now let's delve into this further:

 ³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. ⁴ For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵ so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶ We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your^[a] faith; ⁷ if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; ⁸ if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,^[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

and oh my friends just wait it gets better:

⁹ Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

¹⁴ Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^[c] Do not be conceited.

¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[d] says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”^[e]

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Really?  Goose bumps my friends, goose bumps!  This is powerful stuff, this is revelation, this is Spirit moving and life changing!

Now the question I must take before God and sit with, be still with, is this:  What does this scripture say about my emotions and the actions that come out of my emotions?  What does it say about my tangled mass of rubber bands?  I was thinking of another visual, a woven web, a spider web.  I was thinking that from the day we are born we are weaving our webs of emotions, our webs of protection when we have been hurt and our webs of vengeance when we move from the defensive to the offensive to keep our protection elevated.  Did you ever read "Miss Spiders Tea Party?", when my kids were little we read this book all the time.  It is about Miss Spider and she desperately wants to have her friends come over and visit but all the other bugs run away in "mortal fear".  Miss Spider is completely unaware of why anyone would be so scared of her and she just gets sadder and sadder as her invitations turn into fearful runaways.  Then a rainstorm comes and a moth gets caught soaked and Miss Spider saves the day with love and warmth and yummy treats.  Pretty soon word gets around how great Miss Spider is and all the previous mentioned insects show up for a party and friends gather in fellowship and joyful times.

Perception, emotions, revelations and opportunity.  How are we perceived by our emotions?  How are we perceived in the light of others emotions?  How does God reveal Himself in our emotions and our reactions to others emotions?  Where is the opportunity for growth, for Grace?  In the midst of our emotions do we allow God in, to steep us in His love and mercy that we might show others the same?

As usual I have more questions than answers and this I love, this is revelation at it's glorious best, sitting with the Word and having our preconceived thoughts and emotions challenged, tested and transformed in the Light of Christ.  Alleluia!

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

In Between

A Deacon friend of mine has died.  I am not even sure I can grasp that she has moved on to the Kingdom.  Another Deacon friend of mine posted on her facebook page "in between grief and gratitude" and described a day of service that she was a part of while thinking about our friend.  I thought what she said was so poignant and perfect.  In between grief and gratitude is Grace. Grace is found in serving others, more specifically in serving Christ in others.  For even as we serve the wounds in others, Christ is healing the wounds within us.  This is what Deacons know to be true and this is why Deacons serve in the world - to be with Christ in our midst, and serve in the Church - to share with our brothers and sisters the eternal power of this Grace, the life changing, wound healing power of Christ in their midst, just awaiting revelation.

I began a new bible study on Monday; a Beth Moore study on the Book of Revelation.  I love the Book of Revelation, its imagery and depth, meaning behind every Word.  Layers upon layers of Truth, hidden Truth that you can sit with and ponder.  The first week of this study our "homework" was to pray to God daily and ask for God to reveal himself to us and to be on the lookout for the revelation.

I have spoken to a few classmates and they have had their revelations.  I absolutely LOVE hearing their stories about the power and glory of God manifest before their very eyes and in their very lives.  I had my revelation on Friday.  Friday is my Sabbath and I *almost* didn't run an errand.  But I did.  The church I serve has a monthly donation drive for a local food pantry and I had noticed the donation wagon was full.  It was time to make a delivery, I see no sense in the wagon being full in the Church Narthex when the food pantry shelves are running low.  It seemed to me it fit into my Sabbath keeping to make the delivery.  Technically work, but this work produces an altar to God in the world of the hungry.

After making the donation it occurred to me that I had nothing to prepare for dinner at home and my own pantry was running low - which would create cranky kids.  I HATE grocery shopping, the only thing worse is grocery shopping on the weekend!  I decided to run to the store on my way home.  As I was flying up and down the aisles throwing things in my cart without much thought except "so and so will like this", oh "so and so hasn't had this in awhile", I came to a stop contemplating just how many boxes of pasta we might want.

My eye was drawn down the aisle and my revelation began, space out of time, mind in another world.  A woman about my age, wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a hoody sweatshirt with the hood pulled high up, covering most of her face, carrying a grocery sack and in the same hand grasping dollar bills and loose change; alongside her a boy, early high school age, wearing socks with sandals and gym type shorts, with a t-shirt that he had hand written on to look like a jersey, possibly for some type of practice.  The woman was fully focused on her task and the boy, her son possibly? kept looking around, trying to get her to hurry up, in a respectful but urging way.

They moved from one spot in the aisle I was in, to a spot in the next aisle I came to.  It was as if I was drawn to them and couldn't take my eyes away - even as I hoped I didn't appear to be staring or watching.  I was just drawn.  It dawned on me that the woman was struggling to do the math to figure out if she had enough cash in her hand to pay for the items they were looking at.  They would do some math and replace one item for the next, and then put that item back and reclaim the first one.  Let me tell you the biggest hurdle seemed to be how many bags of ramen noodles they could get, how many bags down to the last penny in her hand.

My revelation hit me so hard I thought I would keel over in the aisle, and I struggled to breathe and remain rooted in a place of reality.  My adrenaline began to rush and as quickly as my revelation came I tried to hide from it and wondered how to "fix" this situation for this woman.  You see, my revelation was, and is, She is Me and I am Her.  In my rush of abundance racing through the store, I forgot that my Sister was Hungry.  Her Boy is my Son and my Son is her Boy.  I could feel her clothing wrap around me, her hoody covering my head and my face, covering my shame that my struggle should be openly seen and my pride that no one should pity me in my place of Grace.  For it is in Grace that she was revealed to me and it was in Grace that I was able to connect beyond the moment.

How soon we forget the struggle when we have moments of ease.  How soon we forget the face of hunger and deprivation as we find our needs met.  How soon we traipse the aisles of life as if there are no cares in the world but what we might want for dinner while our brothers and sisters are being oppressed, violated, abused and worse - forgotten, made to feel invisible.  My revelation made my Sister seen to me and never forgotten.  I think of her throughout each day, asking God to reveal to my heart the layers I still do not comprehend.  I wake up in the middle of each night praying for my Sister, her image seared on my heart.  I want to see her again, I want to talk to her, I want to hug her close to me and whisper, "you are treasured, you are sacred, you are loved". 

We checked out at the same time, I had been trying to figure out how to purchase a gift card and get it into her hands without her knowing.  I scrambled and my thoughts ran fast.  I didn't figure it out. I wasn't meant to.  The revelation wasn't meant for me to help her, it was meant for her to save me.  We stood at cashiers next to each other, her handful of items and my basket full, her grasped dollars and change and my whisked debit card.  And then she was gone.  I searched for her as I left, I couldn't find her, I didn't see her son, my revelation was gone.  I practically ran to my vehicle and I sat inside and just cried, tears flowing from deep within that I couldn't have stopped even if I had wanted to.  But I didn't want to, because tears are cleansing, tears wipe clean our sight and give us new vision and I wanted to sit with my revelation and just be with God.

In between grief and gratitude you find Grace.  Grace has the power to reveal itself to us so that we might come closer to knowing the Christ within ourselves and helping us to know the Christ within others.  Grace allows Christ to serve Christ in our midst and redeem our humanity amongst us.  I am because you are!

May God reveal Himself to you today and may my Sister Deacon rest in peace among the Eternal as her witness and example of servanthood continue to reveal Grace in this world.  And may my Sister who is Hungry forgive me my trespasses, known and unknown, may she know the fullness of God as she revealed to me.

Shepherd Creator

A few years ago I studied the 23rd Psalm using the traditional words from the King James Version of the Holy Bible.  It was a fascinating study looking at each verse and word and how it fit into context with the work of an actual Shepherd and how that context could lift more meaning into the psalm.

There is nothing static about the Word of God.  It is a living Word.  Full of meaning today just as it was yesterday.  It also moves and breathes through all cultures and contexts, God transcends All and is able to speak to each.

I am very interested in Native American spirituality - well the truth is I am interested in all spirituality and the more I study and learn, the more our interconnectedness becomes undeniable.  My mom happened to text me the other morning and wanted me to read the 23rd Psalm.  This version came to my mind and I thought I would share it for your consideration and prayer.

Native American Version of the 23rd Psalm

The Great Father above is a Shepherd Chief. I am His and with Him I want not.

He throws out to me a rope

and the name of the rope is Love

and He draws me to where the grass is green

and the water not dangerous

and I eat and am satisfied.

Sometimes my heart is very weak

and falls down

but He lifts me up again

and draws me into a good road.

His name is Wonderful.

Sometime, and it may be very soon,

it may be very long, long in time

He will draw me into a valley.

It is dark there, but I'll be afraid not,

for it is in between those mountains

that the Shepherd Creator will meet me

and the hunger that I have in my heart

all through this life will be satisfied.

He gives me a staff to lean upon.

He spreads a table before me

with all kinds of food.

He puts His hand upon my head

and all the "tired" is gone.

My cup He fills till it runs over.

What I tell is true.

I lie not.

These roads that are away ahead

will stay with me through life and after,

and afterwards I will go to live

in the Big Tepee and sit down

with the Shepherd Chief forever.

So be it.

~Author Unknown

Who Better?

Once a month the church where I serve sends a team of cooks to one of the shelters where I serve.  They come and prepare a meal and sit down and eat and fellowship with the current clients of the 89 day emergency shelter.  Last evening I met a couple of new people.  Once again I met a lady who had been trying to live in this county, working hard, living paycheck to paycheck and making ends meet.  Until one day she got the phone call that the landlord she had been paying rent to had NOT been paying the mortgage on the condo she was renting.  She had 20 days notice that she would be evicted.  This story is becoming more and more prevalent; landlords who are not keeping up with their payments to the bank and renters who have no idea the property they are renting is in foreclosure.  She is one of the luckier ones as she found out before the sheriffs office arrived at her front door to post a notice; usually you only have a couple of days when that happens.  She had a couple of weeks to come up with a plan and was able to get on the waiting list at the emergency shelter. 

Who better to tell their story than the homeless person himself?  And in a lot of cities such as Washington, DC and Philadelphia you can find newspapers written by the homeless about homelessness.  In fact, just recently a homeless man won an international award for his writing contributions.  If you want to know how someone became homeless - ask them.  If you want to know how they feel about being homeless - ask them.  If you want to know how you can help them - ask them.  Who better to share their story?

Timeless

The Lord's Prayer.  AKA The Pater Noster; AKA The Our Father

Our Father who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

and forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us,

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

and the power, and the glory,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

 

1928 BCP Anglican/Episcopal translation

 
Do you know it?  Did you learn it as a child?  Has it been years since you said it?  Does it fall off your tongue as effortlessly as water over a waterfall in times of trial?  I am not sure it was meant to be a memorized prayer, it might have been meant to teach us "how" to pray, but memorize it we have and it provides a unity among all Christians.

The Lord's Prayer was taught to me as a child and I have taught it to my children.  It has always been my "go to" pray along with a Hail Mary, or two, or twenty.  :-)  It is the prayer that whispers itself from my soul without any thought or provocation.  It is my cry to God where I can dispense the words while also lifting outside of reality and letting the unsayable prayer squeeze out from my heart, from my core.  It is a timeless prayer, I know it was uttered by Jesus, but I often wonder if it was uttered in some similar translation by Jews  in times before.  I wonder if it was a conglomeration of Jewish spirituality and prayer to God?  I still have so much to learn.  I was speaking to someone this week who didn't realize Jesus was Jewish.  Yes he was born Jewish, to a Jewish mother and father and he died Jewish.  I was watching a documentary about Mary the Mother of Jesus and one of the Old Testament scholars proclaimed "Mary was a good Jewish girl and she died a good Jewish woman."  Christians weren't labeled until well after Jesus died and His way was still turbulent and stutteringly being followed.  In fact Christians didn't proclaim to be Christians.  Followers of Jesus were Jews following Jesus, they called themselves Followers of The Way.  Christians were labeled as such because they stood out for their strange ways and needed to be labeled by the "normal" masses.

Don't you find it interesting that now Christians are supposed to be a part of the "normal" masses?  What happened to being different?  What happened to standing out in pursuit of following the example of Jesus?  What happened to "they will know we are Christians by our love"?  Do you consider yourself a Christian?  If Yes - how would anyone know?  If No - how would anyone know?  Have we all gotten so caught up in the image of "normal" that we wouldn't know?  You know what I love about Islamic Spirituality the most?  The call to prayer.  A Muslim will stop in their day and pray - wherever they are, whomever they are with to acknowledge God in praise and worship.  It is not for show it is a genuine dedication to the discipline of stopping throughout the day to acknowledge the Almighty Creator.  I wonder if they pray the Lord's Prayer as taught by Jesus.  I wonder what would happen if Christians reclaimed this ancient way of prayer and stopped their day, no matter what they were doing or who they were with at the appointed hours and turned their hearts and minds to the Almighty Creator?

I know the Lord's Prayer.  I could shout it, whisper it, mumble it, sing it; the prayer can pour forth from my soul with no effort of discipline.  But will that make me forget it?  Does this fantastic familiarity and comfort also make rise to inconsequence and take away the import and the power of this sacred prayer.

The Lord's Prayer is timeless; as it was in the beginning, is now and shall forever be.  Today, if you are like me and know the Lord's Prayer as intimately as you know your own heartbeat, try this version.  Say the old in a new way and feel the Spirit guide you.

The Lord's Prayer

Eternal Spirit,

Earth-maker, Pain bearer, Life-giver,

Source of all that is and that shall be,

Father and Mother of us all,

Loving God, in whom is heaven:

The hallowing of your name echo through the universe!

The way of your justice be followed by the peoples of the world!

Your heavenly will be done by all created beings!

Your commonwealth of peace and freedom

sustain our hope and come on earth!

With the bread we need for today,

feed us.

In the hurts we absorb from one another,

forgive us.

In times of temptation and test,

strengthen us.

From trial too great to endure,

spare us.

From the grip of all that is evil,

free us.

For you reign in the glory of the power that is love,

now and forever. Amen.

From A New Zealand Prayer Book (Harper Collins, 1997), 181.

Reconciliation; Jacob and Esau

What does reconciliation look like?  We can talk and write about it but how do we act on it in our own life?  When wondering what to do in our own life it is always good to reach for our Bible.  In thinking about reconciliation in scripture there are many stories; person to person, person to God, people to people, a people with their God.

One that stands out for me today is Jacob and Esau.  Their story really begins at Genesis 25:19 and goes through chapter 33.  Definitely read the whole scripture, but for our consideration of reconciliation let us go through a few highlights.  Jacob and Esau were born twins from Rebekah and Issac.  Rebekah was given a prophecy from the Lord about her twin sons:  “Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples born of you shall be divided;  the one shall be stronger than the other, the elder shall serve the younger.”

What is a mother to do with this information?  What happened in this family was a game of favorites.  Issac loved Esau, the firstborn of the twins and Rebekah loved Jacob.  How must that have been for the boys growing up?  Would they have a time when they were playmates with one another and goofing off and having fun or would they use their position as favorite to manipulate every situation they are in?  In essence tainting every interaction they have?  If we are constantly trying to one-up someone or gain something to the disadvantage of someone else can we truly be authentic in relationship?

As time went on Jacob manipulated and lied; first with Esau to gain his birthright by acquiesce and then lying to Issac to cement the firstborn birthright as his own from his father’s hand.  Lies and deceit brought on the inevitable fear and Jacob had to run for his life.  I often wonder how Issac felt being lied to by Jacob, as we know Issac himself was a liar when he claimed (out of fear) Rebekah was his sister instead of his wife to save his own life.  It is interesting to note family legacy.  What do we learn from our parents that we unwittingly act out in our own life?  Do we even notice the patterns we create?  If we do can we break them?  Is reconciliation the key to breaking legacy that is unhealthy?

Jacob ran far, off to his Uncle Laban and fell in love with Rachel.  And again family legacy, or as some would call it in this case, Karma, came to knock on Jacob’s door.  Laban lied and tricked Jacob into thinking he was marrying Rachel and instead he married Leah.  Eventually Jacob and Rachel do marry.  But in the meantime hearts are broken, sisters torn apart, unrequited love, sorrow, shame, pain and loneliness reign.  So much dysfunction in one little family.  What does Jacob learn?  What is God trying to show us?

God tells Jacob that he has seen what is happening and knows what is going on.  Jacob is given the command to go back home.  There is a lot of hubbub when Jacob and his wives leave, it is a whole other story of deceit, fear and reconciliation with God as witness.  What Jacob has learned and what God might be trying to tell us, show us, is true repentance and forgiveness.  God calls to Jacob to go home.  Jacob answers “Here I Am Lord” and “Yes”.  There is a cost to answering God and saying Yes, it is a complete surrender of personal will and acceptance of God’s will.  Does Jacob know there is reason to fear?  Absolutely, he is walking into a situation where he is certain he will be killed by his brother, he and his whole family.  But walking with God overcomes any fear.  Walking with God sustains you through the fear.  You are able to act abiding in God because God is your strength and courage.  The reward for answering Yes is complete and true freedom.

Jacob had what I call a “come to Jesus” meeting.  Jacob was filled with fear and he laid it before God, crying out to God to save him.  It reminds me of the prayer “Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed. “  “Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.”   Was Jacob wrestling with God as he supposed?  Was Jacob wresting with his conscience and repenting and asking forgiveness for all that he had done to promote lies and deceit and now wanting a clean soul and a fresh start?  Was Jacob wrestling with the Christ within himself?   Was Jacob’s soul, imbued with Christ wrestling with Jacob’s ego so that Jacob might be able to have the strength and courage he would need to fulfill his call from God to return home and reconcile?  

It takes great strength to lay oneself out and say “I am sorry”.  And this is what Jacob did.  It takes great strength and courage to say “I forgive you”.  And this is what Esau did.  We do not know Esau’s walk with God – a man who gave up his birthright for a stew, a man who in the beginning shunned his blessing acting as though he did not need it nor the God it originated from.  Did Esau have his own call from God?  Did Esau have his own “come to Jesus” meeting? 

God can also help us to reconcile.  Often times we get so caught up in being “right”, we can take on the role of “victim” or “martyr”.  Are you a “right” fighter?  No matter the cost of being right do you desire to be right?  No matter the collateral damage do you want people to say “you are right”?  Consider this:  If Jacob and Esau continued in their “right”ness; Jacob being right because of prophecy, Esau being right because he had been deceived; they never would have found wholeness.  They would not have reconciled, had a relationship together or a full walk with God.  God calls us to be whole and one with each other so that we might be one with God.  “I am because you are.”

Today, would you rather be Right or would you rather be Whole?

Blessed be God.

Reconciliation

Reconciliation.  What does it mean to be reconciled to another?  To God?

According to Dictionary.com: 

reconcile  (ˈrɛkənˌsaɪl) 

 1. to make (oneself or another) no longer opposed; cause to acquiesce in something unpleasant: she reconciled herself to poverty
 2. to become friendly with (someone) after estrangement or to re-establish friendly relations between (two or more people) 
3.  to settle (a quarrel or difference) 
4. to make (two apparently conflicting things) compatible or consistent with each other

  [C14: from Latin reconciliāre  to bring together again, from re-  + conciliāre  to make friendly, conciliate ]

And then we have the Book of Common Prayer; Holy Eucharist Prayer C:

“Again and again, you have called us to return.  Through prophets and sages you revealed your righteous Law.  And in the fullness of time you sent your only Son, born of a woman, to fulfill your Law, to open for us the way of freedom and peace. 

By his blood, he reconciled us.

By his wounds, we are healed.”

But what does it mean to reconcile?  Reconciliation is a choice and it can take strength and courage, sometimes so much strength and courage that it is easier to recoil in anger and spite than to take the leap of faith.  Sometimes bitterness and the silent treatment are easier pills to swallow then saying “I am sorry”,  and/or “I forgive you.”  Sometimes we would rather just turn our back and walk away, maybe run away, thinking we can outrun the pain, the hurt, the loneliness of a broken relationship.  Unfortunately a change in location or lack of communication doesn’t heal brokenness.  Just ask the Israelites who cried out to God to save them from Pharaoh.  

We can still be enslaved today, only a lot of our Masters are chosen by us.  We can choose to be a slave to hate, ignorance, intolerance, self-righteousness, bitterness, hurt, anger…the list goes on, choose your own.  There is another choice.  We can choose Love.  We can choose Wholeness through God.  God can give us the strength and courage to reach out to someone and say “I love you”, “I am sorry that I wounded you”, “I forgive you”, “I love you, too”.

“By his blood, he reconciled us”; Jesus gave himself as an offering to us so that we might be reconciled to the Godhead.  Jesus came to us and said “Do not be afraid”, “Come follow me”.  If we are true Disciples of Christ, true followers of The Way we must learn to give ourselves as offerings to others in true acts of forgiveness and reconciliation.  No justification for action, no admittance of wrong with strings attached or admission of forgiveness with strings attached.

“By his wounds, we are healed”;  Jesus was wounded by us, for us, to save us.  “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”  We, yes you and I, my friend, are the walking wounded.  We walk around saying “I am fine”, “things are fine” and we dress ourselves up and take ourselves out and show our “fine” image to the public.  But in the safety of our homes and the quietness of our prayer we can lay before God all the wounds, some bleeding, some new and jagged, some beginning to heal.  And we can be healed.  We can ask God to overcome us and be within the words we speak and in the ears of those who hear us.  We can present ourselves to the one we have wounded or the one who has wounded us.  We can say, “I am sorry I wounded you.”  We can say, “Please know that you wounded me and I forgive you.”  Sometimes we can say this once and we can move forward in relationship.  Sometimes we can say this once and we can move forward ending the relationship, but leaving it with both persons in a state of wholeness.  Sometimes we have to say this daily until the wound has fully healed.  Sometimes we have to say this daily knowing that only God can heal our wound and we must just keep praying for wholeness.

What does it mean to be reconciled to another?  To God?  It means freedom and peace;  A peace which passes all understanding and is only possible through the healing power of a Savior.

Blessed be your reconciliations as you find wholeness in your life, in your relationships and with your God.

And Live Your Life!

No one says it just like Mary Oliver.  Enjoy this reading and then live into the moment!

Mary Oliver » Mary Oliver reads Mornings at Blackwater

"What I want to say is
that the past is the past,
and the present is what your life is,
and you are capable
of choosing what that will be,
darling citizen."  Mary Oliver

Dominus regit me

aka Psalm 23:

"The Lord is my shepherd; *I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures *and leads me beside still waters.

He revives my soul *and guides me along right pathways for his Name's sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; * for you are with me;  your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You spread a table before me in the presence of those who trouble me; * you have anointed my head with oil, and my cup is running over.

Surely your goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, *and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."

The psalm today reminds me of my grandfather's funeral - none of you reading this would be surprised by that.  That is not exactly groundbreaking news as this Psalm is very popular for funerals (although it wasn't used at my grandfathers).  You also find it a lot in books and dramas when people are in dire need and scared beyond reason, reaching into their core for courage.  At our core of despair or weakness we find God.  When we let go of all pretense of being able to control our world and/or anything that happens to us in that world, we find God.  Always with us, never leaving us, standing with us, sometimes carrying us, leading us, guiding us, being our Shepherd.  God our Savior.

I have studied this psalm in bible study - fascinating study, will have to make sure I add the book to my resource list.  The study opened up the psalm for me in whole new ways.  Not long after I went on a women's retreat that used this psalm for lectio divina.  Powerful!  The words that stayed strong for me that day were "You spread a table before me in the presence of those who trouble me;"  

I have worked with that verse a lot in the past year; wondering who "those" were.  Only to discover that "those" weren't who(s) as I first thought - "those" where what(s).  What are the chains that bind me?  What are the fears I hold on to that hold me back from being all that God has called me to be?  It is an interesting examination.  If we take a moment to stop looking at other people and how they effect our life and instead concentrate on ourselves for a moment a whole new perspective can be born.  

I had my church visit today and the sermon focused on the abundant life - not necessarily a life of prosperity as some would have us believe is a life of abundance.  But rather on The Abundant Life that God invites us into - the abundant life that asks to bless us as we stand vulnerable.  Vulnerable - to wipe off the image we present to the world for approval and sit with ourselves as who we truly are, all that we deem good and just and all that we clothe in shame or fear of being uncovered.  When I read "in the presence of those who trouble me" I imagine my fears personified.  I imagine each fear standing on the outside of the table (imagine the table from C.S. Lewis "Voyage of the Dawn Treader") as I have a chair pulled out for me at the head of the table and the table continues to be set abundantly.  I am with God, Three in One, Oneness as whole God.  And those that trouble me can not approach me, they just look on, in awe of the table, in awe of the Presence.  In this imagery I am peace and joy and love and I see "those" but I can't feel those.  I can only feel Wholeness and I am blessed in the knowledge of dominus regit me, my "Lord rules me." 

The Lord is my Shepherd and leads me into The Abundant Life.

Flying Above The Clouds

As I sit on this airplane heading towards home and my grandfather’s funeral, looking out the window through the clouds to the model train looking earth and landscape, I wonder if this in anyway resembles God’s view from Eternity?

Funny thing about death, funerals and grief – the irony – they grant you time.  First is the phone call.  I am not sure which part is harder, the making of or the receiving of the call.  How do you say, “Grandpa died”?  How do you hear and accept, “your Grandpa died”?  Then there is the rush to plan the funeral.  There were plans and decisions to be made.  I have a large family and as the younger generation I do not even begin to make the pecking order.  I just wait for the phone call on place and time and then make my reservations.

Now the rush of details is over and I sit with Time.  I sit and look out my window at the clouds and we are just far enough up that I can still see the outline of houses and roads, farmland and forest.  I think about the fact that all we stake our lives on, all we spin our wheels for, all the time, money and energy we expend on these tangible items and ideas that from the sky look minute.  I think about the tornadoes that have ripped through the country leaving thousands of people homeless and without any tangible pieces of their life to hold in their hands.  How easily what we build can be laid flat.  The time I am given and my grandfather’s death provoke my thoughts to the building of a life.  What is the foundation?  “From dust you were created, to dust you shall return.”  You enter this world taking your first breath away from God and leave it taking your first breath back into God.

On what foundation did my grandfather build his life?  On what foundation shall I build mine?  Getting ready to leave on this trip by myself was very strange.  I love to travel, I long to travel at times, to see the world I do not know except from books and movies.  But the reality of travel is different.  I kept hold of my tiny carry on luggage feeling as though I was missing something.  And I was.  I am missing my husband and his instructions and mapped out directions.  I am missing my kids and their ipods and dsi’s and backpacks filled with snacks and gum.  I began to wonder what if I didn’t return to this normal life, this foundation I had built.  What have I not said to my husband and kids that they need to know from my heart?  What have I not done for my family and my friends and my neighbors?  Where have I not gone?  What have I not proclaimed?

When we die we take nothing with us, we enter the world naked and leave the world naked.  And yet how many hours a day do I expend time and money and energy on all things physical and tangible that have no eternal meaning?  I believe all I truly have is my Spirit.  I also believe my spirit cries out in surrender to the One Spirit, the Creator, the Almighty.  What will my spirit bring home to The Spirit?  What stories will I share, what sorrows will I lay down?  What joys will I uplift?  I can’t imagine falling into the arms of Jesus and saying “well I had about $100 in savings but that won’t help with the mortgage and I totally forgot to clean the bathroom and sweep the floor before I joined you here.”

I have this image of the Eternal as being a time of Rest and Peace and complete and utter freedom.  My grandfather was in the war.  He saw and experienced the dark side of human nature, the stark reality of evil and how it can be used to harm and degrade others.  He was severely injured, what I have recently come to know as a Wounded Warrior.  I believe it was mortar, although I do not know much about weaponry.  What I do know is he went to war a young man, full of life, with a young wife full of love waiting at home for him.  He came home a man who had seen too much and his body severely wounded.  My father said something very striking, that my grandfather had “lived his hell here on earth.”  I took this in as I prayed for my grandpa and his crossing to the other side.  I have this distinct image of my grandpa passing right through many of the stages the rest of us might need to go through; straight into the arms of Jesus.  I see him as that young man before he marched on to war; standing up straight, mischief in his eyes and joy in his heart.  Ready to claim again who he was before life and war created who he was to become.  I wonder how different his life might have been if he hadn’t gone to war?  Or if he had gone but not been injured?  I will never know because he never shared those thoughts or feelings with me.

It is interesting to me today to note that we have a separate identity with each person who knows us.  My grandfather is known in different ways to each one of us who will attend his funeral.  My grandma knows him as a man, a husband.  My dad knows him as a Father, I know him as my grandpa.  I have my sacred memories of who he was to me and how he was with me.  Sometimes as we get older we learn more about people.  It seems as we grow out of childhood people feel they can share stories to help us gain perspective on the whole person.  I appreciate this knowledge of different facets, but another part of me doesn’t want to know.  He is my grandpa.  He would lie on the couch and I would sit on the floor next to him and he would pat my shoulder or tickle my ear and we would sit and watch gunsmoke together.  I tried to find gunsmoke on tv the night he died, I wanted to watch it and feel close to him.  I know he loved me, I have no doubt.  What did he teach me?  Quietness and stillness is strength and that men on the outside can appear strong and intimidating, but can be just as tender on the inside.  And my grandpa taught me we are who we are and the world goes on around us.  I didn’t realize he looked different.  He was just my grandpa, always has been, always would be.  It wasn’t until someone asked me what happened to him that made me do a double take and realize he didn’t look like everyone else.  And the truth is he taught me that it doesn’t matter what we look like, it matters who we are.  It matters how we love, it matters how we care and serve.

I guess now that he is above the clouds and standing on the balcony of eternity he knows all that he taught me.  I don’t know that I ever told him in our life together.  In my heart of hearts I know he knows I adore and loved him and my grief is strong in missing him and my tears also shine with joy for the time I did have with him.  

Hugs and love to you my grandpa until we meet again!